Life comes at you so fast sometimes! Things can go from being really good to really bad in a matter of minutes, one phone call, one conversation, etc. This goes vice versa too, but in this case, for this post, things went from good to bad for me. I can't complain too much, because things could have always been worse, but compared to what they were, things took a sideways turn this weekend.
I try not to stay focused on the bad, which is one reason I write. It helps me to release these feelings, leave them on the page and walk away, or just lessen them. My best friend feels like everything we do has consequences, I mean everything. Like some story she told me, can't remember if it was a comedian who said it, that he stole a pack of cookies then was locked out of his house so ended up paying a locksmith $45, so it was like $45 for a pack of cookies. Sometimes I wonder if it's really like that, because I can think of something that I might be being punished for in conjunction with the turn of events this weekend, but I would seriously hope that was not the case.
Now I have to go and clean up the mess. I have to deal with the consequences of everything that has happened, but I can't stop moving, I have to keep going, keep pushing forward. Speaking of which, the guy I met, the one that I don't fully like...he wanted to go out tonight, and I would have, but I just really wasn't in the mood after all this. I felt kind of bad, but I knew if I went, I was just gonna transfer my negative energy to him, and if he tried to cheer me up and make me laugh (like he suggested he would) unless it was really funny, he was just going to annoy me, and it wouldn't really be his fault, so I chose to stay home. He pressed the issue a bit, but eventually he just told me he hoped everything would turn out ok. Whew! That was like a breath of fresh air, like he was giving me a little space to get it together, and it felt great! I don't know whether or not he was cussing me out in his head, or whether he has x'd me off the list or what, but I'm sorry that it just so happens all of this is happening after I met him, and I'm happy that he let me have some space.
This has just been one of those times that I need to exhale. Not like everything is finally right so I cam breathe exhale, or I finally found the man of my dreams exhale, but like, this part is over exhale, and I realize that this may be the calm before the storm, so I will exhale, take a moment, before I draw in this deep breath and prepare my war cry (lol). It's just an exhale kind of moment.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
WHY???
Why don't I fully like this man? I feel like I know the answer, but the question to that answer is whether it's really him, or whether it's me trying to distance myself from him...
Nope! It's him.
Cute man, could be to die for cute, but his personality is losing him major points. We've only even hung out once, and he's super clingy. Not cool. And I'm not being ungrateful at all, because I've wanted this kind of attention from a cute man, but this is getting ridiculous. You don't even know my last name but you want to help me find a job? I think you should be more concerned about paying for your car insurance. Yes, today he told me he's been stuck in the house all week because his car insurance got cancelled, so he was dying to see me again, but if he did, I would have to drive. Y'all, I swear I'm not one of those too-bourgeois broads who doesn't know how to "have fun without funds" or doesn't mind helping her man sometimes. But this is not what I had in mind. Number one, I really still don't know him from Adam, and him asking me to hang out everyday, all day is not making me move any faster. I happen to have job opportunities on deck, and I'm sorry, but even though you say I'm number one on your priority list (yeah, scary, right?) you're NOT on mine.
Why have you been stuck in the house all week if you have a cousin who lives with you with a car? Listening to your history, you've moved quite a few times since you've moved to this state...I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin, I look for signs like these. Is this brother unstable? Is he looking for me to be a sugar mama? Is that why he's being so needy and annoying? Not working on me bro. YOU DON"T KNOW ME!! I DON"T KNOW YOU!! And we can't get to know each other because the little things that I'm finding out about you make you suspect!! And I'm not looking to support you in any way, form or fashion, but by the same token, I'm not expecting for you to do it for me either. Dutch is fine. And when I say call me after 6:30 and you call me at 10:45 expecting for me to come over or to come take you to Taco Bell, it doesn't exactly inspire romance. Then when I say I thought you were going to call, I made other plans (which is actually spending time with my family which I don't get to do very often anymore) understand that! When I take control cuz you're acting like a little bitch to me, and I say, we're going to the movies tomorrow at 9, and I'll pick *you* up, don't text back and say but I wanna see you now! I just told you now's not a good time!!
And please, understand y'all, I am not this hard on men. Especially reading my previous stuff, you'd think I'd be soooo happy to have this interest, but damn, he's coming on way too strong for me, and he seems suspect, and this is not my hometown, this is strangerland, and he is a stranger. Why do I feel this way? I just told you. And I might be wrong, but I don't think so. I really think it's him. He's got a winning hand, but right now he's playing his cards all wrong.
Nope! It's him.
Cute man, could be to die for cute, but his personality is losing him major points. We've only even hung out once, and he's super clingy. Not cool. And I'm not being ungrateful at all, because I've wanted this kind of attention from a cute man, but this is getting ridiculous. You don't even know my last name but you want to help me find a job? I think you should be more concerned about paying for your car insurance. Yes, today he told me he's been stuck in the house all week because his car insurance got cancelled, so he was dying to see me again, but if he did, I would have to drive. Y'all, I swear I'm not one of those too-bourgeois broads who doesn't know how to "have fun without funds" or doesn't mind helping her man sometimes. But this is not what I had in mind. Number one, I really still don't know him from Adam, and him asking me to hang out everyday, all day is not making me move any faster. I happen to have job opportunities on deck, and I'm sorry, but even though you say I'm number one on your priority list (yeah, scary, right?) you're NOT on mine.
Why have you been stuck in the house all week if you have a cousin who lives with you with a car? Listening to your history, you've moved quite a few times since you've moved to this state...I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin, I look for signs like these. Is this brother unstable? Is he looking for me to be a sugar mama? Is that why he's being so needy and annoying? Not working on me bro. YOU DON"T KNOW ME!! I DON"T KNOW YOU!! And we can't get to know each other because the little things that I'm finding out about you make you suspect!! And I'm not looking to support you in any way, form or fashion, but by the same token, I'm not expecting for you to do it for me either. Dutch is fine. And when I say call me after 6:30 and you call me at 10:45 expecting for me to come over or to come take you to Taco Bell, it doesn't exactly inspire romance. Then when I say I thought you were going to call, I made other plans (which is actually spending time with my family which I don't get to do very often anymore) understand that! When I take control cuz you're acting like a little bitch to me, and I say, we're going to the movies tomorrow at 9, and I'll pick *you* up, don't text back and say but I wanna see you now! I just told you now's not a good time!!
And please, understand y'all, I am not this hard on men. Especially reading my previous stuff, you'd think I'd be soooo happy to have this interest, but damn, he's coming on way too strong for me, and he seems suspect, and this is not my hometown, this is strangerland, and he is a stranger. Why do I feel this way? I just told you. And I might be wrong, but I don't think so. I really think it's him. He's got a winning hand, but right now he's playing his cards all wrong.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Honesty Box
My first thoughts would be to back you into the darkest corner of the room, my hand gently pressed against your abdomen, leading you to what will soon become bliss. I would firmly press my body against yours, rippling muscles matched to soft curves, skin to skin, separated by only a thin layer of clothing. Then, I would put my hands on your hips, and slide my soft hands under your polo shirt. I’d glide them up the sides of your body, removing your shirt - the last obstacle between me and your beautiful brown skin. I would use my fingertips, and with the lightest touch, trace your finely chiseled chest, and bodies only inches apart, breathing rapidly in anticipation. I’d put my arms around you, pull you into me, and search your strong back with those same fingertips, and when my palm found the back of your neck, I’d pull your handsome face close to mine, eyes closed as if in a dream, and I’d let you enjoy the softness of my lips, gentle at first, but becoming fierce, as your tongue searches for it’s soulmate between my lips. And before we finished this dance of oral rhythm, I’d stop slowly, and allow my supple lips to brush across the side of your face, easing down to this spot on your neck that’s been haunting me for weeks. Not marked by x, I would suck gently, then firmly, then forcefully, leaving my own mark there, then tracing it in repetition with my tongue, as you moan with pleasure. It’s not odd for me to hear a man moan, it’s a reward, and I expect to grant you the same as you realize that I’ve taken control, and decide to turn the tables. A small giggle escapes me, nefarious in tone, when your strong, brown hands grab me by my thighs and hoist me up to your nature. I love the feel of your firmness, and I wrap my hands and arms tighter around your neck, both to steady myself and to be as close to you as humanly possible. We rumble. Forceful kisses, your grip of my thighs strengthens, I refuse to let you go. Still no x, you find the spot on my neck that makes me emit more than a small gasp. I push you against the wall, the pleasure too much for me, I grab at the wall with the palm of my hand flat, my fingers slowly drawing into each other while you make me understand who’s really in charge. But it’s not a struggle of power, it’s an expression of passion. It’s vast unseen cosmos and beautiful, untouched earth, it’s euphoria and comfort, strength and sensuality. It’s our first kiss.
Ok, now that you've read it...let me explain it. It's me in rare form, thinking about every detail of a beautiful moment. The gift and curse of being a writer, and like me, long-winded. Wrote this quite awhile ago, recently found it, so I thought I'd share. Don't judge me bro, lol.
Ok, now that you've read it...let me explain it. It's me in rare form, thinking about every detail of a beautiful moment. The gift and curse of being a writer, and like me, long-winded. Wrote this quite awhile ago, recently found it, so I thought I'd share. Don't judge me bro, lol.
Obsessed
"I'm trying to forget that I'm addicted to you...but I want it, and I need it, I'm addicted to you!"
Okay, so I have completely solidified my theory that you have to have a new obsession in order to get over a current/old one. Case in point - me. I forgot all the names I assigned to people on here, and I'm too lazy to go look, so...I had this guy in my head, almost in my heart, couldn't stop thinking about him. We ended up miles apart, worlds apart, but I couldn't get him out of my head, like the songs, for real! I knew there was no future there, but the thoughts wouldn't stop flowing. I recently started dating (I guess) someone closer to me, someone with whom a future is still not possible (by my prediciton) but being around someone else, makes me forget about guy #1. Now I can't lie, I still think about him sometimes, but it doesn't seem as crucial.
It is such a for lack of a better word, bad feeling to want something you can't have. Inaccessibility leads to infatuation, which leads all kinds of ways. But this new guy...
I don't see it happening. I mean, I'm honest here, so don't be surprised at my picky-ness. He has a kid, and not everybody with a kid is a drawback, but I'd really rather he didn't. Not to mention a kid means a baby mama. Not for me. He seems cool, he's like level 7.5 out of 10 cute (former guy was level 8) he likes to laugh. But he's particular about his things, which is ok, but some people are like anal about their stuff - *twisted face* get over it. I don't want people messing up my stuff either, but there's a point where that just become ridiculous. But he was so sweet, very gentleman-like too. He thought some stuff was funny that I didn't, which is always slightly awkward, but all in all, I'd give our first date a 6.
Here's the thing tho - I'm not obsessed with him. Which is a good thing. It makes any other infatuation I have a lot less important, but at the same time, I'm not wrapped up in him now. He actually surprised me, because he thinks I'm beautiful, *sexy*, yes, I just said sexy, and from one date he deduced that I have a good heart, lol. Know I know some of that is game, yes, it sure is, but even so, it feels wonderful to have someone notice. I'm being careful not to create a fantasy out of it, but still, it's nice. I've never been noticed like this before. Oh yeah, it seems from this blog that I have a lot of action, but I really don't. No relationships. Ever. 3 guys I had a crush on or interest in the last 8 or 9 years, and maybe a few I shamelessly flirt with. 1 guy who returned the interest, and by golly, I didn't even notice!!
Basically, I'm gonna have to brush up, no, LEARN how to do this. How to date, how to know that someone besides me thinks I'm sexy, yes, I said sexy again, the game of relationships if I ever get in one, and how to enjoy the single life. Even sexual issues, gotta make sure all that is right. Theory is one thing, practice is another.
But I know one thing, if I was Beyonce, I still would've stomped that girl with my stiletto. Just sayin'.
Okay, so I have completely solidified my theory that you have to have a new obsession in order to get over a current/old one. Case in point - me. I forgot all the names I assigned to people on here, and I'm too lazy to go look, so...I had this guy in my head, almost in my heart, couldn't stop thinking about him. We ended up miles apart, worlds apart, but I couldn't get him out of my head, like the songs, for real! I knew there was no future there, but the thoughts wouldn't stop flowing. I recently started dating (I guess) someone closer to me, someone with whom a future is still not possible (by my prediciton) but being around someone else, makes me forget about guy #1. Now I can't lie, I still think about him sometimes, but it doesn't seem as crucial.
It is such a for lack of a better word, bad feeling to want something you can't have. Inaccessibility leads to infatuation, which leads all kinds of ways. But this new guy...
I don't see it happening. I mean, I'm honest here, so don't be surprised at my picky-ness. He has a kid, and not everybody with a kid is a drawback, but I'd really rather he didn't. Not to mention a kid means a baby mama. Not for me. He seems cool, he's like level 7.5 out of 10 cute (former guy was level 8) he likes to laugh. But he's particular about his things, which is ok, but some people are like anal about their stuff - *twisted face* get over it. I don't want people messing up my stuff either, but there's a point where that just become ridiculous. But he was so sweet, very gentleman-like too. He thought some stuff was funny that I didn't, which is always slightly awkward, but all in all, I'd give our first date a 6.
Here's the thing tho - I'm not obsessed with him. Which is a good thing. It makes any other infatuation I have a lot less important, but at the same time, I'm not wrapped up in him now. He actually surprised me, because he thinks I'm beautiful, *sexy*, yes, I just said sexy, and from one date he deduced that I have a good heart, lol. Know I know some of that is game, yes, it sure is, but even so, it feels wonderful to have someone notice. I'm being careful not to create a fantasy out of it, but still, it's nice. I've never been noticed like this before. Oh yeah, it seems from this blog that I have a lot of action, but I really don't. No relationships. Ever. 3 guys I had a crush on or interest in the last 8 or 9 years, and maybe a few I shamelessly flirt with. 1 guy who returned the interest, and by golly, I didn't even notice!!
Basically, I'm gonna have to brush up, no, LEARN how to do this. How to date, how to know that someone besides me thinks I'm sexy, yes, I said sexy again, the game of relationships if I ever get in one, and how to enjoy the single life. Even sexual issues, gotta make sure all that is right. Theory is one thing, practice is another.
But I know one thing, if I was Beyonce, I still would've stomped that girl with my stiletto. Just sayin'.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Because I Have Something to Say
(Mase voice) "Welcome back, welcome back, Welcome baaaack!"
But unlike Mase, I plan on staying back. I told you guys I would have trouble writing in a diary. I only write because I have something to say, like tonight. Again, it's late, and again, my mind is wandering, that's just my M.O. ! Life is a wonderful adventure, and love is an ironic little sucker, and I'll tell you why.
I just realized that I MISSED ALL THE SIGNS!!! I mean, ALL the signs that this very beautiful man was throwing at me. I had my chance and failed miserably. But, it would happen this way, me doubting myself, not understanding his advances, intiating my own action, action, then nothing. Now I don't even have his phone number anymore. I'm such a crash test dummy sometimes.
It's really funny when you start realizing, really, how to play the love game. Like, honestly, I have a few guys that have expressed interest, but none that are anywhere near me. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I don't confirm, but I don't deny either. It really is harder than I thought to just say "I'm not interested." As I've said, I wish we didn't have to play games, but since the world doesn't work like that, I'm playing to win. I know, I know sounds petty and shallow and stupid, but that's the world we live in, folks. So now I'm starting all over again, in new territory, and I've been pretty lax so far, but soon, it'll be time to put my game face on. And at the same time, I'm not loooking for love, I'm patiently waiting for it to come to me. Confusing right? Yeah, I think so too. I just want this winter to be a little warmer than every other winter in my poor little life.
Not to mention, one of my close friends told me I'm hitting puberty. Oh joy!! No, seriously. I'm way past that stage, but my body is acting all weird-ish and changey. I'm not sure I want it to keep going, but I'm not sure I want it to stop. Yeah, that part's confusing too.
And why don't I have a model sexy face? I just haven't mastered that yet. The smizing and all that either. I just plain old smile. I like to. But when you're playing the game, you gotta have a sexy face, so I guess I'll keep working on it.
Man, it feels great to be writing again.
But unlike Mase, I plan on staying back. I told you guys I would have trouble writing in a diary. I only write because I have something to say, like tonight. Again, it's late, and again, my mind is wandering, that's just my M.O. ! Life is a wonderful adventure, and love is an ironic little sucker, and I'll tell you why.
I just realized that I MISSED ALL THE SIGNS!!! I mean, ALL the signs that this very beautiful man was throwing at me. I had my chance and failed miserably. But, it would happen this way, me doubting myself, not understanding his advances, intiating my own action, action, then nothing. Now I don't even have his phone number anymore. I'm such a crash test dummy sometimes.
It's really funny when you start realizing, really, how to play the love game. Like, honestly, I have a few guys that have expressed interest, but none that are anywhere near me. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I don't confirm, but I don't deny either. It really is harder than I thought to just say "I'm not interested." As I've said, I wish we didn't have to play games, but since the world doesn't work like that, I'm playing to win. I know, I know sounds petty and shallow and stupid, but that's the world we live in, folks. So now I'm starting all over again, in new territory, and I've been pretty lax so far, but soon, it'll be time to put my game face on. And at the same time, I'm not loooking for love, I'm patiently waiting for it to come to me. Confusing right? Yeah, I think so too. I just want this winter to be a little warmer than every other winter in my poor little life.
Not to mention, one of my close friends told me I'm hitting puberty. Oh joy!! No, seriously. I'm way past that stage, but my body is acting all weird-ish and changey. I'm not sure I want it to keep going, but I'm not sure I want it to stop. Yeah, that part's confusing too.
And why don't I have a model sexy face? I just haven't mastered that yet. The smizing and all that either. I just plain old smile. I like to. But when you're playing the game, you gotta have a sexy face, so I guess I'll keep working on it.
Man, it feels great to be writing again.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Laced
Freestyle poem from awhile back...
Thoughts of you invade my head like martians from a third galaxy type place
They scream, take me to your leader but my heart is poison laced
I mean, that's the only explanation I could cipher because I've been lonely too damn long
Tortured in the twilight hours, without love everything just feels wrong
But Can you be picky when you're starving? If I'm begging can I choose? Because I want to be in love, but only with you
I believe you're the anecdote to this poison laced heart of mine, but you're not here and the outcome is just as lost as I
As I am, as I was, and as I will be--lost in God knows where until you find me
Maybe this is just another dream, I know none of this can be real
But this real cold loneliness envelops me and into my heart creeps fear
Makes itself at home, whispering doubts into my ears
This is supposed to be your home, and those whispers are supposed to be sweet nothings
But my heart is not a home because you never came and picked up the key
And now the martians are here to take advantage of me
Maybe I'll go with them willingly find love on another planet
Or maybe I'll just be a star
Shining brightly, a beautiful cosmic creation for everyone to behold
But never meant to know
Never meant to know love, just supposed to be
Yeah, that's it -- I'll be a star
And no one will be in danger of my poison laced heart.
Thoughts of you invade my head like martians from a third galaxy type place
They scream, take me to your leader but my heart is poison laced
I mean, that's the only explanation I could cipher because I've been lonely too damn long
Tortured in the twilight hours, without love everything just feels wrong
But Can you be picky when you're starving? If I'm begging can I choose? Because I want to be in love, but only with you
I believe you're the anecdote to this poison laced heart of mine, but you're not here and the outcome is just as lost as I
As I am, as I was, and as I will be--lost in God knows where until you find me
Maybe this is just another dream, I know none of this can be real
But this real cold loneliness envelops me and into my heart creeps fear
Makes itself at home, whispering doubts into my ears
This is supposed to be your home, and those whispers are supposed to be sweet nothings
But my heart is not a home because you never came and picked up the key
And now the martians are here to take advantage of me
Maybe I'll go with them willingly find love on another planet
Or maybe I'll just be a star
Shining brightly, a beautiful cosmic creation for everyone to behold
But never meant to know
Never meant to know love, just supposed to be
Yeah, that's it -- I'll be a star
And no one will be in danger of my poison laced heart.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Geez, Graham!
Okay, okay, okay. I'm gonna need everyone to stop hating on Graham so hard. Wondering what I'm referring to? Read the story at:
www.wherekandycoatedreigndrops.wordpress.com
It's a very good short story by a very good friend of mine, and I am having a ball reading it. It's being released in episodes, and I almost want to wait until it's done in order to stop the torture, but I can't resist reading it every time I see a new post.
But Graham is not the bad guy that everyone thinks he is. Yes, his actions in the grocery store were completely shady, and yes, he is somewhat stringing Kandyce along, but c'mon, that, ladies and gentleman, is the nature of college relationships. Don't pretend it isn't. To me, G.Dot is exactly where he needs to be in terms of maturity. And, no, you can't compare him to Stokely, because Stokely is ahead of the curve. Y'all stop hating on Graham. You're only doing it because you know someone just like him, and you really like that person, but sometimes his mannerisms and actions irk you. Graham is that person. But he's growing...don't stunt him with your critcisms. He has to go through this, be this way, in order to be a better man. People take different paths, and this is his. I'm not advocating everything he does, and if you're reading the story, I'm learning about him just like you are, so he could take a turn for the worst and prove me wrong, but right now, I think G.Dot is just becoming a man. Seriously, y'all. Cut the brother some slack.
www.wherekandycoatedreigndrops.wordpress.com
It's a very good short story by a very good friend of mine, and I am having a ball reading it. It's being released in episodes, and I almost want to wait until it's done in order to stop the torture, but I can't resist reading it every time I see a new post.
But Graham is not the bad guy that everyone thinks he is. Yes, his actions in the grocery store were completely shady, and yes, he is somewhat stringing Kandyce along, but c'mon, that, ladies and gentleman, is the nature of college relationships. Don't pretend it isn't. To me, G.Dot is exactly where he needs to be in terms of maturity. And, no, you can't compare him to Stokely, because Stokely is ahead of the curve. Y'all stop hating on Graham. You're only doing it because you know someone just like him, and you really like that person, but sometimes his mannerisms and actions irk you. Graham is that person. But he's growing...don't stunt him with your critcisms. He has to go through this, be this way, in order to be a better man. People take different paths, and this is his. I'm not advocating everything he does, and if you're reading the story, I'm learning about him just like you are, so he could take a turn for the worst and prove me wrong, but right now, I think G.Dot is just becoming a man. Seriously, y'all. Cut the brother some slack.
Starving
You know how they say you have to feel sadness in order to appreciate happiness? Well, can you appreciate being single if you've never been in a relationship? Because right now, I don't think so. I've never had a boyfriend. And I am (not gonna tell you anything specific), but I'm pretty old not to have had one. I've had crushes, a lot of flirtation, but no call-me-yours-i'll-call-you-mine-until-we-decide-otherwise boyfriend. No, really. And when I was in middle school, and even in high school, it used to really bug me. I mean, everyone around me had a counterpart, but I was always the odd man out. Peculiar. Now that I've left high school, some years after actually, I've had a couple guys tell me they were interested in me. But where were they when I was dropping liquid from my retina and my mom was convincing me that there was nothing wrong with me? And these guys, even so, are not ones that I was interested in (I know, I know) but it's true. It's my true honest feelings. Like if I was starving I'd only eat what I wanted. I feel starved for love. And once, I was influenced by the lovers around me, and I wanted affection too, so I flirted with a stranger, made him my interest, but in the end, I knew he wasn't anything special, and I knew I had made a mistake by riling him up.
Anyway, I don't think I can like being single, being alone like thi until I have been an "us". I know that being in a relationship, any relationship, is a compromise, and oddly enough, that's a lesson I'm learning from having visitors in my house right now. I want my things the way I want them, and I'm having to bend to other people's wishes, and it makes me want to be alone again. I'm not saying that to say that I want to have a boyfriend in order to appreciate being alone, I'm just acknowledging the risks of this one becoming a two.
"If you ask me tomorrow, I'll say the same thing, I am ready for love."
And I really, truly feel like I am. I keep trying to convince myself that this is in God's pla for me, to be patient, but I'm becoming less and less persuasive. One of my best friends told me that when I find love (specifically me for some reason) it's going to be really, really good. Like my own personal fairytale. And even if me and him break-up, the next one is going to be like that too. Why? Because I deserve it. Really, I think those are just her well-wishes for me, but I guess it would be nice to have something really, really good. Other times I think that I'm supposed to establish myself and my career first, so that when I find him, I won't just get eneveloped in him, and if I do, it'll be just fine to do so. Yeah, these are the crazy thoughts that swirl around in my head. But here's the catch:
And I might lose someone here, but I get to be picky! Yes! I do! I refuse to settle for just any old man, a pizza man (piece-of-man) or anything less than what I want! Beggars can't be choosers, but I'm not begging for love, I'm just ready. I get so lonely laying in this bed at night, I get so bored having no one to text but my girlfriends, I get discouraged and I think that I'm not worthy to love. But I am worthy. Worthy of a man who is smart, funny, handsome (by MY standards), makes me tingle when I see him, I msile before I even open his text message, love to see him online on facebook because I can't think of anything good to say to him, but I like that we're in the same cyber-space at the same time, and if I was with him, no matter for how long, I would be purely happy. There's a lot more to that, like respecting me, loving and fearing God, and other things, but yeah.
I know he's out there. Often I wonder if I met him already, but he's out there. I wonder if he can hear my stomach growling.
Anyway, I don't think I can like being single, being alone like thi until I have been an "us". I know that being in a relationship, any relationship, is a compromise, and oddly enough, that's a lesson I'm learning from having visitors in my house right now. I want my things the way I want them, and I'm having to bend to other people's wishes, and it makes me want to be alone again. I'm not saying that to say that I want to have a boyfriend in order to appreciate being alone, I'm just acknowledging the risks of this one becoming a two.
"If you ask me tomorrow, I'll say the same thing, I am ready for love."
And I really, truly feel like I am. I keep trying to convince myself that this is in God's pla for me, to be patient, but I'm becoming less and less persuasive. One of my best friends told me that when I find love (specifically me for some reason) it's going to be really, really good. Like my own personal fairytale. And even if me and him break-up, the next one is going to be like that too. Why? Because I deserve it. Really, I think those are just her well-wishes for me, but I guess it would be nice to have something really, really good. Other times I think that I'm supposed to establish myself and my career first, so that when I find him, I won't just get eneveloped in him, and if I do, it'll be just fine to do so. Yeah, these are the crazy thoughts that swirl around in my head. But here's the catch:
And I might lose someone here, but I get to be picky! Yes! I do! I refuse to settle for just any old man, a pizza man (piece-of-man) or anything less than what I want! Beggars can't be choosers, but I'm not begging for love, I'm just ready. I get so lonely laying in this bed at night, I get so bored having no one to text but my girlfriends, I get discouraged and I think that I'm not worthy to love. But I am worthy. Worthy of a man who is smart, funny, handsome (by MY standards), makes me tingle when I see him, I msile before I even open his text message, love to see him online on facebook because I can't think of anything good to say to him, but I like that we're in the same cyber-space at the same time, and if I was with him, no matter for how long, I would be purely happy. There's a lot more to that, like respecting me, loving and fearing God, and other things, but yeah.
I know he's out there. Often I wonder if I met him already, but he's out there. I wonder if he can hear my stomach growling.
Freeflow 9
I've had some posts. Some thoughts that I couldn't articulate because I was scared. I mean, there are people out there who know who I am. Can you write in a diary if people can read it? My father always said, never write anything down that you don't want anyone to read. Well, I guess now I don't care if you read it. Like I've always said, I would like to live free of inhibitions, but with that comes consequences, and if this brings consequences, so be it. But when I'm feeling like I am, like a big, huge gaping hole...with fire smoldering the edges...and high, derisive laughter bellowing from the inside...writing helps. First of all, there's this feeling. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and get knocked down 7 flights of stairs. EVERY time something good threatens to happen to me lately, ugly rears it's ugly head and puts me in my place. But this is not my place. I don't even like it here. It's cold, dark, lonely, and most of all, depressing. As a matter of fact, I hate it here, but the rent is paid up, so I can't break the lease, I guess. It starts with my finances. If it's not that, it's my academics, if it's not that, it's my family, if it's not that, it's the fact that I am all alone. I think I will make this more than one post...catch up on the thoughts I've been thinking and haven't been writing.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Anniversaries & Inquiries
WOO-HOO!! This is my 100th post for {DD}, and we officially have over 500 visitors!! On this momentus occasion, I just want to thank everyone who supports this blog, especially my most faithful reader, The BrotherMan. As I said in the beginning, this blog is more for me than anyone else, but to know that I have quite possibly touched another person in some form or another is enlightening. So, we celebrate today as a great anniversary for my {DeLiCiOuS DiArY}, and I hope that if the food is to your liking, you will continue to come here to be filled.
Now, most of my posts come from questions, or inquiries, and I don't think they'll stop anytime soon. Oddly enough, I was looking at a barage of facebook statuses, and it seems as though a lot of us around the same age are going through the same problems, but instead of being a band of brothers, we all feel isolated. I saw so many comments about fake friends, longing for love, loneliness, happiness, and some people just being -- just expressing themselves to the world. Why is it like this, I wonder? How can you feel alone in a room full of people? And what about those people in your life who are seasons, who are not meant to stay, but you must admit that you're sad to see them go...Why is it that we must walk this journey alone, when all around us, others are moving towards the same destinations? The answer to this question, I fear, is ever-elusive.
And while I write this, celebrating anniversaries and continuing quest-beginning inquiries, I am bothered by a question that weighs on my min like an Acme anvil (shoutout to my fellow coyote): What is it with addicitions to the opposite sex? Eight years ago, I was enamored with my high school guy, I was doing fine not thinking about anyone in college, then a new obsession wafted my way like secondhand smoke, he found his way up my nosrils and into my brain, and I was taken. That didn't quite pan out, but I couldn't get over him until someone new came along. I couldn't get over my high school "beau" until he came along. And the new one I'm stuck on has me paralyzed until a new addiciton presents itself to me. Ha. And I'm not the only one, I think. I took a small poll, and it's happening to a lot of us. But why? Maybe now that we're not children, and not so easily distracted by television and games, we need something else to distract us - the master of disguise - love. A curious thought...no pun intended, ok, maybe a little pun intended.
Until next post...
Now, most of my posts come from questions, or inquiries, and I don't think they'll stop anytime soon. Oddly enough, I was looking at a barage of facebook statuses, and it seems as though a lot of us around the same age are going through the same problems, but instead of being a band of brothers, we all feel isolated. I saw so many comments about fake friends, longing for love, loneliness, happiness, and some people just being -- just expressing themselves to the world. Why is it like this, I wonder? How can you feel alone in a room full of people? And what about those people in your life who are seasons, who are not meant to stay, but you must admit that you're sad to see them go...Why is it that we must walk this journey alone, when all around us, others are moving towards the same destinations? The answer to this question, I fear, is ever-elusive.
And while I write this, celebrating anniversaries and continuing quest-beginning inquiries, I am bothered by a question that weighs on my min like an Acme anvil (shoutout to my fellow coyote): What is it with addicitions to the opposite sex? Eight years ago, I was enamored with my high school guy, I was doing fine not thinking about anyone in college, then a new obsession wafted my way like secondhand smoke, he found his way up my nosrils and into my brain, and I was taken. That didn't quite pan out, but I couldn't get over him until someone new came along. I couldn't get over my high school "beau" until he came along. And the new one I'm stuck on has me paralyzed until a new addiciton presents itself to me. Ha. And I'm not the only one, I think. I took a small poll, and it's happening to a lot of us. But why? Maybe now that we're not children, and not so easily distracted by television and games, we need something else to distract us - the master of disguise - love. A curious thought...no pun intended, ok, maybe a little pun intended.
Until next post...
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Multiplicity
I often have more than one thing on my mind, and tonight is no exception. This entry is one of love and hate, or a variation of each, anyway. In the department of the former, me and my friend are trying to break bad habits. Both of us are dealing with like interests that could possibly go somewhere, but it's more of a possibility that they'll keep standing right where we left both of them -- in limbo. It's funny how in a relationship, there's never an equal amount of information shared, unless you're married. One person knows the other person likes them more, one person will never know what the other one thinks, and confusion leads to chaos. I like him, I do, and he said that he liked me too, and not the kind that guys say because you pause and wait for their response, the kind of information that he volunteered. But ironically enough, I can never fully believe him. How do I know that he's not just reciprocating my feelings? Or he knows how I feel (because I clearly told him) and he's just gassin me up? And I thought back on it, and ironically enough again, there was a time when I had the upper-hand. I didn't know how he felt at all, and he may have liked me, and I treated him just like any other regular person on the street. Funny, isn't it? Cause now I jump when my phone vibrates, hoping that after the second violent shake my phone will exclaim the gentle tune of "A Night Off" by Drake. My, how the tables have turned. And I don't want to smother him, so I keep at a distance, but that random text is so hard to resist.
Speaking of which, it's also very hard to resist action against someone you dislike. I don't dislike people for no reason at all, and usually I do so because they have committed some type of wrong against me. In this case, a girl is picking up the disrespect where her best friend left off, and all I can think about is...well, that's a little graphic. Let's just say I'm tired of being the bigger person. I am an ADULT. I don't have time for these childish luxuries. And what's more, is the girl is dead wrong. She's misunderstanding the situation and blatantly attacking me. Now I haven't ever physically attacked anyone in my life, but I'm about at that breaking point. And then, how do you decide what to do? One part of me is screaming to leave it alone and continue to be mature, another part is telling me to make and example out of her, and one voice is wondering what other people are thinking of me, and the other one doesn't really give a flying fuck. All thorugh the turmoil with this girls best friend, I held my peace. Now, I'm about ready to leave somebody in pieces. Right now, I'm still on the high road, trying to stay calm, but detour signs for the low road keep catching my attention.
And what kind of sense does it make that my heart and my head can be half thinking of love and half of hate? I guess there really is a fine line.
Speaking of which, it's also very hard to resist action against someone you dislike. I don't dislike people for no reason at all, and usually I do so because they have committed some type of wrong against me. In this case, a girl is picking up the disrespect where her best friend left off, and all I can think about is...well, that's a little graphic. Let's just say I'm tired of being the bigger person. I am an ADULT. I don't have time for these childish luxuries. And what's more, is the girl is dead wrong. She's misunderstanding the situation and blatantly attacking me. Now I haven't ever physically attacked anyone in my life, but I'm about at that breaking point. And then, how do you decide what to do? One part of me is screaming to leave it alone and continue to be mature, another part is telling me to make and example out of her, and one voice is wondering what other people are thinking of me, and the other one doesn't really give a flying fuck. All thorugh the turmoil with this girls best friend, I held my peace. Now, I'm about ready to leave somebody in pieces. Right now, I'm still on the high road, trying to stay calm, but detour signs for the low road keep catching my attention.
And what kind of sense does it make that my heart and my head can be half thinking of love and half of hate? I guess there really is a fine line.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Premonition
"If I woulda knew the girl next door woulda been you..."
I had a friend say today that he wished he had the power of premonition, basically to see about relationships. An interesting thought, and an interesting power to have. Only I think if he could do that, it would be like that tv show "That's So Raven", and he would end up causing the very things he saw in his visions. I think that because I think people in love (and all variations of it) try to avoid hurt feelings. What they don't realize is that love is ALL feelings, including the hurtful ones. It is joy, laughter, fun, pain, sadness, loneliness, togetherness, seduction, like, lust, everything! Love encompasses all these feelings, and until we embrace that fact, we are doomed to repeat common blunders that newly arrived lovers make.
"We can't be friends, cause I'm still in love with you..."
Boy, boy, boy. I tell ya. You young whippersnappers call yourselves trying to save one another...didn't your hear Cupid Valentino? He carries a pistol! Okay, lemme stop playing. How are you supposed to feel when someone likes you so much that they can't be with you? What type of shit is that? I mean, usually there's some external reason why you two can't be together, but sometimes that person doesn't even tell you what the reason is. Then you're walking around all bitter-faced until one day you find out that person was trying to protect you, trying to protect themselves, from the power of the attraction you two felt. It's no secret, this reason has ruined many a relationship in every stage, and it's a bittersweet thing. You should feel honored, flattered that a person puts so much stock in you that they cannot bear to be around you and not have you. On the other hand, it is disheartening to know that you and this person will never be together. Well, I shouldn't say never, but time is a colossal factor in deeds of love. There's pain if you're together, there's pain if you're apart. So what do you do? That's another question that stands unanswered in the middle of a moonlit street, where I met him last, a meeting witnessed only by the stars. All I know is that at this juncture, we can't be friends.
I had a friend say today that he wished he had the power of premonition, basically to see about relationships. An interesting thought, and an interesting power to have. Only I think if he could do that, it would be like that tv show "That's So Raven", and he would end up causing the very things he saw in his visions. I think that because I think people in love (and all variations of it) try to avoid hurt feelings. What they don't realize is that love is ALL feelings, including the hurtful ones. It is joy, laughter, fun, pain, sadness, loneliness, togetherness, seduction, like, lust, everything! Love encompasses all these feelings, and until we embrace that fact, we are doomed to repeat common blunders that newly arrived lovers make.
"We can't be friends, cause I'm still in love with you..."
Boy, boy, boy. I tell ya. You young whippersnappers call yourselves trying to save one another...didn't your hear Cupid Valentino? He carries a pistol! Okay, lemme stop playing. How are you supposed to feel when someone likes you so much that they can't be with you? What type of shit is that? I mean, usually there's some external reason why you two can't be together, but sometimes that person doesn't even tell you what the reason is. Then you're walking around all bitter-faced until one day you find out that person was trying to protect you, trying to protect themselves, from the power of the attraction you two felt. It's no secret, this reason has ruined many a relationship in every stage, and it's a bittersweet thing. You should feel honored, flattered that a person puts so much stock in you that they cannot bear to be around you and not have you. On the other hand, it is disheartening to know that you and this person will never be together. Well, I shouldn't say never, but time is a colossal factor in deeds of love. There's pain if you're together, there's pain if you're apart. So what do you do? That's another question that stands unanswered in the middle of a moonlit street, where I met him last, a meeting witnessed only by the stars. All I know is that at this juncture, we can't be friends.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
How to Lose A Guy...period
"You walked into the party, like you were walking onto a yacht..."
I am so Andy Anderson right now. What happened to the cute, sexy, smart, funny Andy? I don't know. I was looking at old pictures and realized there's been a power shift. I used to be in control. I used to be in control because I didn't know you liked me. Well I'll be damned if I didn't find out and go all goo-goo on you. Oops, sorry. That's one for sure way to lose a guy...period. I gotta get it back together, get back on my game. And you know I hate games, well, actually you don't, because we haven't really gotten to know each other, which is why I have to PTG. See, if you knew me, we'd already have an understanding, but since you don't...ugh.
"BULL-shit!"
One sure way to lose a girl is to disrespect her; actually, that goes for anyone. And two of my friends are going through it. I hope they patch things up, really. He realized his mistake, a common one, one of the top ten probably, but it just might be too late. In any case, he's going to have to suffer. She, in the meantime, has to find a way to forgive him because whether he realizes it or not, he lost some measure fo trust. She trusted him not to abuse her, and he betraed that trust. I think they can find each other again, the question is, when will that be? And how many people will be affected in the meantime?
Andy wrote about how to lose a guy in 10 days, but there are certain ways to lose anyone, period.
I am so Andy Anderson right now. What happened to the cute, sexy, smart, funny Andy? I don't know. I was looking at old pictures and realized there's been a power shift. I used to be in control. I used to be in control because I didn't know you liked me. Well I'll be damned if I didn't find out and go all goo-goo on you. Oops, sorry. That's one for sure way to lose a guy...period. I gotta get it back together, get back on my game. And you know I hate games, well, actually you don't, because we haven't really gotten to know each other, which is why I have to PTG. See, if you knew me, we'd already have an understanding, but since you don't...ugh.
"BULL-shit!"
One sure way to lose a girl is to disrespect her; actually, that goes for anyone. And two of my friends are going through it. I hope they patch things up, really. He realized his mistake, a common one, one of the top ten probably, but it just might be too late. In any case, he's going to have to suffer. She, in the meantime, has to find a way to forgive him because whether he realizes it or not, he lost some measure fo trust. She trusted him not to abuse her, and he betraed that trust. I think they can find each other again, the question is, when will that be? And how many people will be affected in the meantime?
Andy wrote about how to lose a guy in 10 days, but there are certain ways to lose anyone, period.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Freeflow 8
"Hands down, I'm too proud for love, but with eyes shut, it's you I'm thinking of..."
You know what I find peculiar? When I like a guy, I dream about him. Hope that doesn't sound stalkerish, cuz it's true! And my dreams are never, and I mean never normal, so he could be anything from a main character to a man making a cameo appearance. Another sleepless night, another {DD} post. Ha, I really do write at the twilight hours. And I can't tell you how many good poems I've lost because I was too lazy to rollover and find a pen and paper. But that's beside the point. It feels wonderful to be writing a freeflow again.
I feel bad because I can't see him. I...just can't see him in the state he's in. I went at the worst, and I know I can do the best but this in-between stage, I can't handle for some reason, and it eats me alive every time I go home. He knows, he knows I will always love him somewhere in this heart of mine, but I...I don't know. If that's true, then why can't I go see him? Because I can sit next to him but I'll have to text all correspondence? Because he's not the him that I remember? Because I might be fucking uncomfortable. HE is what's important, but I might be uncomfortable. Bullshit, right? But I don't want to be uncomfortable around him. I want to laugh, and play, and give him a hard time, like I'm used to. But nothing will ever be like it used to.
"I hope they never find out what they already know, know, know...as soon as its official, we'll have to let it go, go, go..."
Can I be selfish? Can I be a thief in the night and steal moments with you? Could I pull of the biggest heist for your heart? But I don't want stolen goods, no matter how good they make me feel. Cause you've got that whip-appeal! Lmao...silly me. I hate to jump when my phone rings, thinking it's you, and it's another damn facebook party invitation or message, that frustrates me. I set a ringtone that's just for you, so when I hear it, I'll know exactly who it is. But I don't think you'll call. Six degrees of separation, seven digits away, eight minutes since your last text, nine clouds until bliss, ten times intensified is the pain I feel, because I can count all I want, but it won't bring me not a minute, or a mile, or a mistletoe closer to your kiss, so there's a few more numbers to count. You're the one that got away, because our two is a three, I don't know what four (for), but high five to the girl who got there first, although I'd like to be infinity, our number is non-linear, it doesn't even exist in reality. Until...next lifetime I guess...I'll meet you in my dreams, still hoping for the day that my phone rings, but I won't count on it.
You know what I find peculiar? When I like a guy, I dream about him. Hope that doesn't sound stalkerish, cuz it's true! And my dreams are never, and I mean never normal, so he could be anything from a main character to a man making a cameo appearance. Another sleepless night, another {DD} post. Ha, I really do write at the twilight hours. And I can't tell you how many good poems I've lost because I was too lazy to rollover and find a pen and paper. But that's beside the point. It feels wonderful to be writing a freeflow again.
I feel bad because I can't see him. I...just can't see him in the state he's in. I went at the worst, and I know I can do the best but this in-between stage, I can't handle for some reason, and it eats me alive every time I go home. He knows, he knows I will always love him somewhere in this heart of mine, but I...I don't know. If that's true, then why can't I go see him? Because I can sit next to him but I'll have to text all correspondence? Because he's not the him that I remember? Because I might be fucking uncomfortable. HE is what's important, but I might be uncomfortable. Bullshit, right? But I don't want to be uncomfortable around him. I want to laugh, and play, and give him a hard time, like I'm used to. But nothing will ever be like it used to.
"I hope they never find out what they already know, know, know...as soon as its official, we'll have to let it go, go, go..."
Can I be selfish? Can I be a thief in the night and steal moments with you? Could I pull of the biggest heist for your heart? But I don't want stolen goods, no matter how good they make me feel. Cause you've got that whip-appeal! Lmao...silly me. I hate to jump when my phone rings, thinking it's you, and it's another damn facebook party invitation or message, that frustrates me. I set a ringtone that's just for you, so when I hear it, I'll know exactly who it is. But I don't think you'll call. Six degrees of separation, seven digits away, eight minutes since your last text, nine clouds until bliss, ten times intensified is the pain I feel, because I can count all I want, but it won't bring me not a minute, or a mile, or a mistletoe closer to your kiss, so there's a few more numbers to count. You're the one that got away, because our two is a three, I don't know what four (for), but high five to the girl who got there first, although I'd like to be infinity, our number is non-linear, it doesn't even exist in reality. Until...next lifetime I guess...I'll meet you in my dreams, still hoping for the day that my phone rings, but I won't count on it.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Time
I really couldn't think of an excellent title for this post. Time...says it all. I expressed before that time likes to play with me, and on yet another sleepless night, I find time to write this post.
Time has control of my mind. I'm getting a college degree. It is time to start life. But, being the over-zealous planner that I am, I have no plan for this, and it's throwing me off. Time is passing me by, and for once in my busy, to-do list filled life, I'm standing still. Am I being prepared for a particular moment that will shape my future? Am I letting life pass me by? Questions, as always, lol.
And in another capacity, time has control of my heart. I really wish I had known a long time ago that you were suffering just like I have before. I would've understood so much more, I could've helped, I could've been there for you, something. I probably would ratify some writings, because I didn't find out in time. I hope that in time, you will remember me as being beautiful, and not anything else. (blushes)
And a long time ago, a little over a year to be exact, I wish I had known you. I would've made you mine. I know it. There's no reason for me not to. I wish I had gotten there first, so now, we wouldn't have to steal time. And I wish I would've known that we didn't have much time. I would've given you more, given you my best, given you all of me, but alas, our time is up. And in time, we may cross paths again, but for now we have time to be just friends. I question myself time and time again...
I WANT TO LIVE EVERYDAY AS IF IT WERE MY LAST. More and more, I'm learning that that really is the way to live. And financially, and in some other instances, that wouldn't work at all, but I'm talking about time here. I don't want to hesitate about life, and love and living, because tomorrow, I may not be here. But am I bold enought to live this way when no one else is? Am I ready and willing to take a chance and be the odd man out forever? I really want to say yes, but this is one of those things that's easier said than done. Maybe, just maybe, I'll try it. But then, I know, time will find another way to manipulate me.
If time has my mind, and time has my heart, I need to find a way to have time so that I can have me. It only makes sense.
Time has control of my mind. I'm getting a college degree. It is time to start life. But, being the over-zealous planner that I am, I have no plan for this, and it's throwing me off. Time is passing me by, and for once in my busy, to-do list filled life, I'm standing still. Am I being prepared for a particular moment that will shape my future? Am I letting life pass me by? Questions, as always, lol.
And in another capacity, time has control of my heart. I really wish I had known a long time ago that you were suffering just like I have before. I would've understood so much more, I could've helped, I could've been there for you, something. I probably would ratify some writings, because I didn't find out in time. I hope that in time, you will remember me as being beautiful, and not anything else. (blushes)
And a long time ago, a little over a year to be exact, I wish I had known you. I would've made you mine. I know it. There's no reason for me not to. I wish I had gotten there first, so now, we wouldn't have to steal time. And I wish I would've known that we didn't have much time. I would've given you more, given you my best, given you all of me, but alas, our time is up. And in time, we may cross paths again, but for now we have time to be just friends. I question myself time and time again...
I WANT TO LIVE EVERYDAY AS IF IT WERE MY LAST. More and more, I'm learning that that really is the way to live. And financially, and in some other instances, that wouldn't work at all, but I'm talking about time here. I don't want to hesitate about life, and love and living, because tomorrow, I may not be here. But am I bold enought to live this way when no one else is? Am I ready and willing to take a chance and be the odd man out forever? I really want to say yes, but this is one of those things that's easier said than done. Maybe, just maybe, I'll try it. But then, I know, time will find another way to manipulate me.
If time has my mind, and time has my heart, I need to find a way to have time so that I can have me. It only makes sense.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Notice!
I want to write, but I can't.
Thank you for noticing this new notice. Your noticing it has been noticed.
Thank you for noticing this new notice. Your noticing it has been noticed.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Music
I think if my iPod were a man, he'd be a great lover. No, really. He'd always know what I want, give it to me on demand, needs a recharge every now and then, but other than that, he'd be okay, and he would be right beside me every night. Cool, huh?
So, I'm in a romantic kind of mood. Can't do much about it, because I'm single, but I'm feeling lovey-dovey. It's ok, my chromatic is caressing my eardrums with the sweet, sultry sounds of R&B, so maybe I'll drift off to sleep to meet my dream man. :-)
So, I'm in a romantic kind of mood. Can't do much about it, because I'm single, but I'm feeling lovey-dovey. It's ok, my chromatic is caressing my eardrums with the sweet, sultry sounds of R&B, so maybe I'll drift off to sleep to meet my dream man. :-)
Monday, May 4, 2009
Let Go
And so it is the title of a very good song by Avril Lavigne, and the title of this post. But what else is it? I think 'Let Go' is the theme of the next month for me. There are things that I must let go, so let's take a look.
1. I must let go of all hatred in my heart. Not that I'm harboring 'hatred' per se, but in the past months I have been wronged and disrespected several times by people that I liked and trusted at one point. Now, I'm just disappointed that things turned out the way they did. But all my pent up emotions, I have to LET THEM GO. It's not going to help me at all to have a grudge against anyone, it certainly won't improve my chances of getting into heaven, and keeping stuff in now just makes for a big outburst later. I have to let it go.
2. I have to let go of this stage in my life. It's time to move on. And the more I get fed up with my current situation, the more I'm ready to move on, but then something good will happen and I'll find myslef clinging to a shred of nostalgia instead of moving forward. This chapter is over. The last pages are being written as we speak, so I have to let it go.
3. And finally, but certainly not least, I have to release you. We stole a couple of hours from cupid, from daybreak, and from each other, but what we had is gone, and it's time to let it go. I saw her today, and she's yours. That's all I'll say -- I don't want to slander her in any way, because it's useless. And she has everything she needs, she's got you. So it's time to let you go. I may never understand why, maybe I'm not meant to have an explanation, but I'm meant to let you go.
So, it begins. I have to let these things fly freely. I have to step outside of my comfort zone, leave behind some of my insecurities, release some of my fondest memories to make new ones. I enjoyed these times, but they are the past. And if it's time to let these go, then it's time to grab ahold to something new.
God don't make mistakes, must be something bigger waiting.
1. I must let go of all hatred in my heart. Not that I'm harboring 'hatred' per se, but in the past months I have been wronged and disrespected several times by people that I liked and trusted at one point. Now, I'm just disappointed that things turned out the way they did. But all my pent up emotions, I have to LET THEM GO. It's not going to help me at all to have a grudge against anyone, it certainly won't improve my chances of getting into heaven, and keeping stuff in now just makes for a big outburst later. I have to let it go.
2. I have to let go of this stage in my life. It's time to move on. And the more I get fed up with my current situation, the more I'm ready to move on, but then something good will happen and I'll find myslef clinging to a shred of nostalgia instead of moving forward. This chapter is over. The last pages are being written as we speak, so I have to let it go.
3. And finally, but certainly not least, I have to release you. We stole a couple of hours from cupid, from daybreak, and from each other, but what we had is gone, and it's time to let it go. I saw her today, and she's yours. That's all I'll say -- I don't want to slander her in any way, because it's useless. And she has everything she needs, she's got you. So it's time to let you go. I may never understand why, maybe I'm not meant to have an explanation, but I'm meant to let you go.
So, it begins. I have to let these things fly freely. I have to step outside of my comfort zone, leave behind some of my insecurities, release some of my fondest memories to make new ones. I enjoyed these times, but they are the past. And if it's time to let these go, then it's time to grab ahold to something new.
God don't make mistakes, must be something bigger waiting.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Among the Jellyfish
Niggas alwyas trying to sting me, and I don't quite understand why. Guess [insert my government name here] is just a pushover, a doormat, grits on the back burner. Niggas keep trying to sting me, but that shit don't hurt. It stings, for the slightest second, but that shit don't hurt. Duh. I find myself thinking that I'm going to do something big one day, and not for the specific purpose of revenge, but all the little shit that I have to deal with now that irks me so much won't even matter then. Sure, I have to pay every time I go to the club, but one day I'll own one. Niggas always wanna have a power struggle too, but I don't care, cause one day, I'll be big boss dog. period. Keep blowin up at me, keep doing what you do, I'm not going to retaliate, I'm not going to belittle you, engage in a battle of wits, or any of that. Have your moment, and I hope it feels lovely -- cuz what I'm going to do is going to last way more than 15 minutes. And even if I don't do anything important, big, or spectacular (by society's standards), I know that God put me among the jellyfish because I can take the sting, so keep doing what you do, because to me, it doesn't mean a thing. Ouch.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Agendas Anonymous
I have an agenda like some people have weed, alcohol, or sex. It’s – I don’t even know the word for it – it stresses me out and keeps me from being stressed at the same time. With an agenda, I can stress about the things on it, which can be accomplished easily and are often trivial or a matter of finding the time to do such things. Without it, I would have to stress about my life, the things that I cannot control, the things that are not easily changed.
I thrive off of being busy, I have to have a plan, a route, a plan b, c, and d. It's like an addiction. I'm running out of things to do. I'm about to start my life, and I'm scared, unsure. I'm going into unmarked territory, and for the first time, I'm apprehensive abut what may be in store. Can you put life on a to-do list?
Guide me, dear Lord.
I thrive off of being busy, I have to have a plan, a route, a plan b, c, and d. It's like an addiction. I'm running out of things to do. I'm about to start my life, and I'm scared, unsure. I'm going into unmarked territory, and for the first time, I'm apprehensive abut what may be in store. Can you put life on a to-do list?
Guide me, dear Lord.
Shooting Star
It was good while it lasted. It was like a shooting star -- rare, beautiful, often searched for, and ultimately fleeting. That doesn't changed what it meant, and notice I use "it" because we never exactly bestowed a definition upon it, but that doesn't change what it meant. I wondered why it was different, and I got the answer to my question. You really shouldn't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to, but I did want to know the answer to this one. And I feel more settled now. I never have really like crickets, but if Jimeney had a loud enough voice to influence your choice, then this is the way it was meant to be. She was the original, is the original, supposed to be the only one. It was short-lived, but fun. Now you've been on the outside, and you know what it's like, it's like when you walk outside on a clear, starry night, and you see a beautiful silver burst streak across the sky, and in the deepest depths of my heart, I'd wish for you and I, but everything happens for a reason, and you're a them, and not an us, so enjoy every moment, because what you have will last, I'll see you, and I'll smile, about the present, not the past. You can be more than cordial, because no one will ever know, shooting stars leave no traces, if you don't see them when they happen, then you don't see them at all. I hope you never feel nostalgic, because that wouldn't be fair to any of us. I don't regret it, feel slight remorse, more like MeShell. I'll stand out on my porch one day, and you'll sit on your stoop, a shooting star will fly by, you'll think of me, and I of you. Hopefully the memories will be nothing but fond, but like that star, we exist only for a moment, we were never meant to go on.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Breathe
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
That's me stepping out into the middle of the street, without checking for cars first, and screaming my head off. I just need to breathe. Take a step back, and breathe. But that's hard to do when the air around you is thick with problems, regret, remorse, tension, confusion, and diffculty. It's too hot to breathe.
First of all, I need to take a step back from him. I want us to have more than a moment together, alone, so I can tell him all the things I always think of once he walks away. The perfect things I should've said 10 seconds before. I want to see where his mind is, tell him where mine is, clear some of the air so I can breathe. But he ultimately has on a gas mask, and all communication is lost upon the thick platsic by which he is encircled. Little dummy.
Secondly, I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP TELLING ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!!! Please and Thank You. I can't say only God can judge me, because anyone can judge me, but please, keep the verdict to yourself. I'm just fine with who I am, thanks, and I'm even more fine with not knowing that person completely. Finding out is fun.
Thirdly, (a most important number), I need to be selfish for a minute. I never, ever, ever, never, ever, ever think about myself, and at such a paramount time in my life, I want to think about me, and ONLY me, for once. I always put others before myself, and this time, I want it to be about me. I can't make anyone else focus on me, but I can. and I am.
"I want things to go my way, but as of late, a lot of things been going sideways."
-Drake
Things have been going well, if you look at it from one standpoint. I recognize that standpoint, I am thankful for everything that I have, but I can't ignore the other viewoint is there, and it is from behind those rose-colored glasses that I write this entry.
Funny story -- it feels like when I notice I don't have love in my life, things start to go awry. When I'm not worried about it, things are fine. Is there some correlation there? I thought about it, and anyone who read this blog would probably get tired of my repetitive rants about love, but then I realized that in the beginning, I created this blog for me, and in the end, it will be here for me, so I am really writing for me, to smooth out the wrinkles.
I should've known it wouldn't last, it was created under the wrong premises. I knew this, and I still got caught up in a whirlwind, an now, as I gasp for air, I just need to take a step back and breathe. It is that same gasp that makes an audible sound, loud enough to express my shock that you judge me. It is true that the ones closest to you will be the ones to hurt you. Too true. Family, friends, lovers, everyone. More than anything, I'm surprised --- surprised that I'm surprised, that is. It has been proven to me, over and over again, that people whom you trust WILL take advantage of you, and I keep hoping that that won't happen again, I keep trusting, but now I feel like only a fool or a crash test dummy runs into the same brick wall twice, and since I'm neither of those things, I will have to build the wall that I never wanted to build. The reason I never wanted to build that wall is because it is inevitably built out of failures, tears, and anger, and it is all bonded together with a paste made of bitterness. I never wanted to do it, but I see why it's necessary. I might be able to breathe inside these walls that I am going to build.
And music really does calm the savage beast, because lately, I've been feeling way more than savage, and music seems to save me everytime. I know, behind the scenes, and in the forefront, God is allowing me and helping me to keep my sanity, so I am thankful that he sends me music. The notes are like little puffs of fresh air, and when enough of them surround me, I can breathe. If only to emerge for a moment.
That's me stepping out into the middle of the street, without checking for cars first, and screaming my head off. I just need to breathe. Take a step back, and breathe. But that's hard to do when the air around you is thick with problems, regret, remorse, tension, confusion, and diffculty. It's too hot to breathe.
First of all, I need to take a step back from him. I want us to have more than a moment together, alone, so I can tell him all the things I always think of once he walks away. The perfect things I should've said 10 seconds before. I want to see where his mind is, tell him where mine is, clear some of the air so I can breathe. But he ultimately has on a gas mask, and all communication is lost upon the thick platsic by which he is encircled. Little dummy.
Secondly, I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP TELLING ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!!! Please and Thank You. I can't say only God can judge me, because anyone can judge me, but please, keep the verdict to yourself. I'm just fine with who I am, thanks, and I'm even more fine with not knowing that person completely. Finding out is fun.
Thirdly, (a most important number), I need to be selfish for a minute. I never, ever, ever, never, ever, ever think about myself, and at such a paramount time in my life, I want to think about me, and ONLY me, for once. I always put others before myself, and this time, I want it to be about me. I can't make anyone else focus on me, but I can. and I am.
"I want things to go my way, but as of late, a lot of things been going sideways."
-Drake
Things have been going well, if you look at it from one standpoint. I recognize that standpoint, I am thankful for everything that I have, but I can't ignore the other viewoint is there, and it is from behind those rose-colored glasses that I write this entry.
Funny story -- it feels like when I notice I don't have love in my life, things start to go awry. When I'm not worried about it, things are fine. Is there some correlation there? I thought about it, and anyone who read this blog would probably get tired of my repetitive rants about love, but then I realized that in the beginning, I created this blog for me, and in the end, it will be here for me, so I am really writing for me, to smooth out the wrinkles.
I should've known it wouldn't last, it was created under the wrong premises. I knew this, and I still got caught up in a whirlwind, an now, as I gasp for air, I just need to take a step back and breathe. It is that same gasp that makes an audible sound, loud enough to express my shock that you judge me. It is true that the ones closest to you will be the ones to hurt you. Too true. Family, friends, lovers, everyone. More than anything, I'm surprised --- surprised that I'm surprised, that is. It has been proven to me, over and over again, that people whom you trust WILL take advantage of you, and I keep hoping that that won't happen again, I keep trusting, but now I feel like only a fool or a crash test dummy runs into the same brick wall twice, and since I'm neither of those things, I will have to build the wall that I never wanted to build. The reason I never wanted to build that wall is because it is inevitably built out of failures, tears, and anger, and it is all bonded together with a paste made of bitterness. I never wanted to do it, but I see why it's necessary. I might be able to breathe inside these walls that I am going to build.
And music really does calm the savage beast, because lately, I've been feeling way more than savage, and music seems to save me everytime. I know, behind the scenes, and in the forefront, God is allowing me and helping me to keep my sanity, so I am thankful that he sends me music. The notes are like little puffs of fresh air, and when enough of them surround me, I can breathe. If only to emerge for a moment.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
In the Hills
I want to take you to this place that my friend took me once. It's a creepy journey to the top of this small mountain that overlooks the city. Once you get to the top, though, it makes sense why anyone would want to make that journey in the first place.
I want to lay down a big, soft blanket, and lay on top of it, but I want to be wrapped in your essence, warmed by your touch, excited by your intellect. I want to look out at the lights of the city before I turn my attention to the light in your eyes, and then...
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be your girl. Would we argue once the thrill of the chase has subsided? Would you leave me love notes just because? Would we get voted cutest couple? Would we ever use the word love?
I don't even know how to get to that place. But I would actually google it, learn the route, and buy a blanket so that I could take you there. If I was your girl.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And are you thinking like I am? Do you even care about ever being my man? Am I getting too caught up in the moment? Why do I always have so many unanswered questions?
It doesn't matter. LG.
I want to lay down a big, soft blanket, and lay on top of it, but I want to be wrapped in your essence, warmed by your touch, excited by your intellect. I want to look out at the lights of the city before I turn my attention to the light in your eyes, and then...
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be your girl. Would we argue once the thrill of the chase has subsided? Would you leave me love notes just because? Would we get voted cutest couple? Would we ever use the word love?
I don't even know how to get to that place. But I would actually google it, learn the route, and buy a blanket so that I could take you there. If I was your girl.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And are you thinking like I am? Do you even care about ever being my man? Am I getting too caught up in the moment? Why do I always have so many unanswered questions?
It doesn't matter. LG.
In Reference to "Drafts"
I haven't written in awhile, and I'm trying to figure out exactly why. I've had plenty of things to talk about, but I think the words get stuck somewhere between my brain and my fingertips so that I can't hit the keys. Maybe it's because a few people know about this blog. Maybe it's because I'm playing a role I shouldn't be playing, and to put it here would be to admit it to myself. Not to mention, obstacles have been wieghing heavily on my mind and my heart, and to put those problems here would be to identify myself, inevitably, and I don't want to do that.
So, I guess, to make up for a lack of previous posts, and undoubtedly to prove how crazy I really am, I posted a few drafts. Still, even though I did, it's time for me to return to my {Delicious Diary}.
So, I guess, to make up for a lack of previous posts, and undoubtedly to prove how crazy I really am, I posted a few drafts. Still, even though I did, it's time for me to return to my {Delicious Diary}.
Drafts
I was looking back at some drafts for {DD} that I didn't knowhad saved...and they're intersting, so I decided to post them.
10/31/08 Freeflow 3
Hello, world. Happy Halloween!
This, like most freeflows, is NOT going to make any sense. Just bear with me. First of all, I love black people, espescially how they interact with each other when no one is looking, or when everyone is looking. I feel like somebody is playing with me. Looking at my life, setting up situations in it, and laughing at my bitch ass. Oh yes, God has a sense of humor. I put on a one woman show last night, whether I intended to or not. I know I was seen, because...well, I just know. And I can't believe this other sorry sapsucker was singing my muthafucking song today from my muthafucking favorite group! How dare he??!!
3/2/09 Freeflow 6
I saw true beauty in nature tonight. It was so dark, but when I made it to where I was going, the lights of the city really did take my breath away. I felt an adrenaline rush, and at that moment, I wished I had a man to share the view.
I feel like I'm moving at light speed, and as long as I am, I can't see the darkness, the lonliness that awaits me when I lay down at night, when I have the house to myself for the weekend, when I can't sleep and am scrolling through my phonebook, and most of all when it's 2:57 a.m. and I just need to write.
He's out there. And there's a reason I haven't met him yet...there's a reason why I feel so hollow right now. And I'm an independent woman, a real one, one who is self-sufficient, but also realizes that everyone needs love. I guess I'm one of those girls who "got her own".
And what's trivial about all this is that feelings compel me to write, and I hate to be repetititve, or to seem like I have a lack of subjects in my blog, but that's what this space is for. To vent, to think, to reason...and when good things happen, either they'll be so good that I'll write, or they'll be so good that I'm so busy enjoying them that I won't write.
3/24/09 In the Dark
I'm sitting in my room in the dark, and I'm just thinking. About a lot of things, but mostly love. Does it make you bi-polar? Is that acceptable in the vacuum that is love? Or am I just trippin?
I was reading some past entries in my blog, and I realized that I might be crazy. (Not for real) Do things just switch like that? I went from one interest to the next, no pause for the cause...
And what's even more is that love don't love me, right? I'm spending time, energy, and wpms on guys that haven't thought twice about me. Maybe I should think twice about this.
Maybe I shouldn't think at all.
4/1/09 Dangerous Curves Ahead
I guess I got what the fuck I asked for. I really did. I found a man who is just my speed, seems to like me as much as I like him, and I can't be completely sure, but I think we'd be a kick-ass couple.
But he's taken.
Ain't that some shit? Lol...I gotta laugh my damn self. But, I didn't specify...I think I asked for everything I wanted except for him to be single. And this one is funny because nothing about him screams dog, womanizer, abuser, none of that, but all my friends except one think I should leave him alone. And I know I should, given his relationship status, but I don't know why I'm even considering NOT leaving him alone.
Maybe I like him. Maybe I like him a lot.
10/31/08 Freeflow 3
Hello, world. Happy Halloween!
This, like most freeflows, is NOT going to make any sense. Just bear with me. First of all, I love black people, espescially how they interact with each other when no one is looking, or when everyone is looking. I feel like somebody is playing with me. Looking at my life, setting up situations in it, and laughing at my bitch ass. Oh yes, God has a sense of humor. I put on a one woman show last night, whether I intended to or not. I know I was seen, because...well, I just know. And I can't believe this other sorry sapsucker was singing my muthafucking song today from my muthafucking favorite group! How dare he??!!
3/2/09 Freeflow 6
I saw true beauty in nature tonight. It was so dark, but when I made it to where I was going, the lights of the city really did take my breath away. I felt an adrenaline rush, and at that moment, I wished I had a man to share the view.
I feel like I'm moving at light speed, and as long as I am, I can't see the darkness, the lonliness that awaits me when I lay down at night, when I have the house to myself for the weekend, when I can't sleep and am scrolling through my phonebook, and most of all when it's 2:57 a.m. and I just need to write.
He's out there. And there's a reason I haven't met him yet...there's a reason why I feel so hollow right now. And I'm an independent woman, a real one, one who is self-sufficient, but also realizes that everyone needs love. I guess I'm one of those girls who "got her own".
And what's trivial about all this is that feelings compel me to write, and I hate to be repetititve, or to seem like I have a lack of subjects in my blog, but that's what this space is for. To vent, to think, to reason...and when good things happen, either they'll be so good that I'll write, or they'll be so good that I'm so busy enjoying them that I won't write.
3/24/09 In the Dark
I'm sitting in my room in the dark, and I'm just thinking. About a lot of things, but mostly love. Does it make you bi-polar? Is that acceptable in the vacuum that is love? Or am I just trippin?
I was reading some past entries in my blog, and I realized that I might be crazy. (Not for real) Do things just switch like that? I went from one interest to the next, no pause for the cause...
And what's even more is that love don't love me, right? I'm spending time, energy, and wpms on guys that haven't thought twice about me. Maybe I should think twice about this.
Maybe I shouldn't think at all.
4/1/09 Dangerous Curves Ahead
I guess I got what the fuck I asked for. I really did. I found a man who is just my speed, seems to like me as much as I like him, and I can't be completely sure, but I think we'd be a kick-ass couple.
But he's taken.
Ain't that some shit? Lol...I gotta laugh my damn self. But, I didn't specify...I think I asked for everything I wanted except for him to be single. And this one is funny because nothing about him screams dog, womanizer, abuser, none of that, but all my friends except one think I should leave him alone. And I know I should, given his relationship status, but I don't know why I'm even considering NOT leaving him alone.
Maybe I like him. Maybe I like him a lot.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Nocturnal
"Day and Night, I toss and turn keep stressin my mind, mind. I look for peace but see I don't attain...the lonely loner seems to free [her] mind at night."
I write at night, or in the wee hours of the morning. I think it's because at these hours, life slightly slows down for me, and I just get to thinking. And when I get to thinking, I get to feeling, and when I get to feeling, I get to writing. Right now I'm thinking that I just need a break, I need to slow it all down. My agenda never stops moving, but I need a break from what The Giver calls "the stirrings." Sometimes I wish it was like in that book, where you could just take a pill and make all the feelings go away. But then again, I always have disliked taking medicine. Hmph.
I'm just going to take all my feelings and tuck them away. I have to be patient, wait for the one that God is going to send me, and stop involving myself in these touch-and-go, not-too-sure, infatuation type situations. I can't go on and pretend like...I may never understand why, I'm doing the best that I can, and I...
So, as I've done for short periods before, I'm going to be platonic. And at such a peculiar time, too. I have a feeling the poems will start coming. They always do at times like these. I'm not really sad, just slightly disappointed because I can't be in control of this one. It's like I want love to rain down on me, but I'm in one of those plastic bubbles, so I can see it all around me, feel it's impact, feel the cool against the plastic, but I can't escape. Then I turn my thoughts on an angle and that bubble is protecting me, until such a time where I'm supposed to be drenched in love, feel the moisture of love rain on my skin, smell the sky, taking it all in. See what I mean about the poetry? But then again, I am listening to a bangin slow jamz playlist too.
I wonder if I'll sleep once the sun rises.
I write at night, or in the wee hours of the morning. I think it's because at these hours, life slightly slows down for me, and I just get to thinking. And when I get to thinking, I get to feeling, and when I get to feeling, I get to writing. Right now I'm thinking that I just need a break, I need to slow it all down. My agenda never stops moving, but I need a break from what The Giver calls "the stirrings." Sometimes I wish it was like in that book, where you could just take a pill and make all the feelings go away. But then again, I always have disliked taking medicine. Hmph.
I'm just going to take all my feelings and tuck them away. I have to be patient, wait for the one that God is going to send me, and stop involving myself in these touch-and-go, not-too-sure, infatuation type situations. I can't go on and pretend like...I may never understand why, I'm doing the best that I can, and I...
So, as I've done for short periods before, I'm going to be platonic. And at such a peculiar time, too. I have a feeling the poems will start coming. They always do at times like these. I'm not really sad, just slightly disappointed because I can't be in control of this one. It's like I want love to rain down on me, but I'm in one of those plastic bubbles, so I can see it all around me, feel it's impact, feel the cool against the plastic, but I can't escape. Then I turn my thoughts on an angle and that bubble is protecting me, until such a time where I'm supposed to be drenched in love, feel the moisture of love rain on my skin, smell the sky, taking it all in. See what I mean about the poetry? But then again, I am listening to a bangin slow jamz playlist too.
I wonder if I'll sleep once the sun rises.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Demolition Woman pt.2
"I know she was attractive, but I was here first."
You are a beautiful man, and I don't just mean looks. Does she know that? Does she appreciate all that you are? I'm scared, because my feelings for you are weighing heavily on my morals. I refuse to be a homewrecker, but I cannot refuse the way I feel for you. And the fact that you reciprocated those feelings, small in gesture, but a gesture nonetheless. When I saw you, did you say "Exactly"? I really need to know because I've convinced myself that the reason you're being so weird around me is that you like me too much, and being around me might jeopardize your current situation. Isn't that what you called it? A situation? Damn, here we go again. Will the next couple of months of my blog be about you? Do you know I can't sleep right now because this was on my chest?
By the way, {DD} has over 80 posts and 300 visitors. Yay!
But in the coming month, I'll see you a lot. I'll see you more than I need to probably. Can we talk for a minute? Not in or after the club, but just somewhere quiet? I'd tell you that I don't want to put your relationship in danger (assuming that I could - I probably can't) and that you don't have to worry about that, but I wish you wouldn't be weird around me. We actually started off as acquaintances before all this, and I'd like to keep it that way. This is what I'd tell you. My mind would tell my lips to formulate the words. My heart would probably be looking at your lips, thinking about taking you to my place of comfort so that we could get comfortable together. And we could, I would choose you, but your situation is not ideal. For me anyway.
You'd be perfect too. And I can actually imagine what it would be like. That's not something I can do often. I want to tell you to keep my number in case your situation changes, but that would mean I'm waiting on it to change, or pressuring you to change it, and I'm not doing either of those. You are the first person that makes me say that cliche phrase, 'I want to be around you in any capacity I can'. And I really feel like that. Friends, more, not...I want to be around you. You're a beautiful man.
I just hope she sees what I do.
You are a beautiful man, and I don't just mean looks. Does she know that? Does she appreciate all that you are? I'm scared, because my feelings for you are weighing heavily on my morals. I refuse to be a homewrecker, but I cannot refuse the way I feel for you. And the fact that you reciprocated those feelings, small in gesture, but a gesture nonetheless. When I saw you, did you say "Exactly"? I really need to know because I've convinced myself that the reason you're being so weird around me is that you like me too much, and being around me might jeopardize your current situation. Isn't that what you called it? A situation? Damn, here we go again. Will the next couple of months of my blog be about you? Do you know I can't sleep right now because this was on my chest?
By the way, {DD} has over 80 posts and 300 visitors. Yay!
But in the coming month, I'll see you a lot. I'll see you more than I need to probably. Can we talk for a minute? Not in or after the club, but just somewhere quiet? I'd tell you that I don't want to put your relationship in danger (assuming that I could - I probably can't) and that you don't have to worry about that, but I wish you wouldn't be weird around me. We actually started off as acquaintances before all this, and I'd like to keep it that way. This is what I'd tell you. My mind would tell my lips to formulate the words. My heart would probably be looking at your lips, thinking about taking you to my place of comfort so that we could get comfortable together. And we could, I would choose you, but your situation is not ideal. For me anyway.
You'd be perfect too. And I can actually imagine what it would be like. That's not something I can do often. I want to tell you to keep my number in case your situation changes, but that would mean I'm waiting on it to change, or pressuring you to change it, and I'm not doing either of those. You are the first person that makes me say that cliche phrase, 'I want to be around you in any capacity I can'. And I really feel like that. Friends, more, not...I want to be around you. You're a beautiful man.
I just hope she sees what I do.
Freeflow 7
Would you believe I tried to write Freeflow 6 twice and my computer shut off both times? Then I thought maybe 6 wasn't a good number, so I wrote it as Freeflow 7. Still shut off. And I wrote some good stuff too. Some out of passion, keys banging, feelings pouring onto the page kind of stuff. And always, I would make it to the very end before the computer would turn off. Why is that?
And furthermore, if you like a girl, why would you spend years with her, seeing her in school everyday and not tell her? And why am I so mean to this one guy named Will? I can't seem to be nice to him. I call him names, insult him, just not nice...but I don't like him. He's kinda cute and all, he's just not my type. And the way some guys act sometimes, you might get hints that they like you, but as soon as you think you're onto something, they're back to being platonic.
In addition to that, I think sex should be fun. It shouldn't be all uptight and sexy. People who try to make it sexy are trying to hard to set one certain mood. You should laugh, cry if it's just that good, be sexy (but not to the point of ultimate seriousness), and you should be adventurous. Really adventurous. And you should talk, not too much, but enough to let your partner know what you like and don't like because trying to go off intuition and reactions is stupid sometimes.
And why aren't some people a couple years older or younger? Because if they were they would be perfect. And why do some people find love outside of their race? or inside their gender? or why are they looking for it across the way when it's right nextdoor?
And I really hope I don't rush into love too soon because I'm so anxious. They say be careful what you ask for, and I'm not asking for anything that's not in God's plan. And I wonder if I would write more things or different things if the handful of people who knew about this blog didn't know about it?
I sure hope this one posts.
And furthermore, if you like a girl, why would you spend years with her, seeing her in school everyday and not tell her? And why am I so mean to this one guy named Will? I can't seem to be nice to him. I call him names, insult him, just not nice...but I don't like him. He's kinda cute and all, he's just not my type. And the way some guys act sometimes, you might get hints that they like you, but as soon as you think you're onto something, they're back to being platonic.
In addition to that, I think sex should be fun. It shouldn't be all uptight and sexy. People who try to make it sexy are trying to hard to set one certain mood. You should laugh, cry if it's just that good, be sexy (but not to the point of ultimate seriousness), and you should be adventurous. Really adventurous. And you should talk, not too much, but enough to let your partner know what you like and don't like because trying to go off intuition and reactions is stupid sometimes.
And why aren't some people a couple years older or younger? Because if they were they would be perfect. And why do some people find love outside of their race? or inside their gender? or why are they looking for it across the way when it's right nextdoor?
And I really hope I don't rush into love too soon because I'm so anxious. They say be careful what you ask for, and I'm not asking for anything that's not in God's plan. And I wonder if I would write more things or different things if the handful of people who knew about this blog didn't know about it?
I sure hope this one posts.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Foreshadow
You know what? One day I am going to write very happy, happy things in {DD}. But usually you need a diary to help relieve feelings, and happiness is a feeling you don't need relief from. So maybe I'll be enjoying life and love so much that I won't even have time to put it here. One day the delicious diary will be full of sweet, warm, food for thought, and not the cold, bitter rants of a writer missing love. One day...but not today.
The Measuring Cup
I talked to Greg. I took my friend's advice and I went to his house (on an errand for the aforementioned friend) and decided to talk to him. We sat in his room for hours, battling wits and words, but when it came down to it, he knew I didn't really come to get a measuring cup. And he knew the real reason I was there. And he found out that I was interested in him. And again, it was a bust.
I told him!! I told my friend that I had been aggressive and upfront, and it didn't work, and here was another botched caper for proof. I hope Greg isn't awkward around me now, but if he is, I can't really blame him, can I? My friend says that Greg must not be totally uninterested otherwise we wouldn't have talked for as long as we did. But...there's a BIG difference between liking someone, or being interested in someone and just being polite, and I think he was just being polite. Really.
So here I am, on fool status again, the court jester, performing for King Cupid whilst he find merriment in my shortcomings. If I caught the tears that I wanted to cry about love, they would probably fill the measuring cup I supposedly went to get.
I told him!! I told my friend that I had been aggressive and upfront, and it didn't work, and here was another botched caper for proof. I hope Greg isn't awkward around me now, but if he is, I can't really blame him, can I? My friend says that Greg must not be totally uninterested otherwise we wouldn't have talked for as long as we did. But...there's a BIG difference between liking someone, or being interested in someone and just being polite, and I think he was just being polite. Really.
So here I am, on fool status again, the court jester, performing for King Cupid whilst he find merriment in my shortcomings. If I caught the tears that I wanted to cry about love, they would probably fill the measuring cup I supposedly went to get.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Freeflow 6
It feels soooo good to be writing again. I have had a LOT on my mind and my heart, and just when I wanted to put it here, my computer crashed on me. Whoop-de-doo! I tried talking to friends about my love life, if you want to call it that, but I just ended up feeling awkward because ultimately I'm having the same conversation over, and over, and over. I keep trying to answer the question:
When is it my turn? Why can't I find someone to love me?
And even the cliches are cliche now. I know people love me, but I want a man who is in love with me as much as I am in love with him. They say be careful what you ask for, love will come to those who wait, don't look for love, it'll find you, you're the wifey type, love is patient and kind, blah, blah, blah. Love stinks like 3 day old cabbage and I can't seem to escape the kitchen.
I feel so stupid, alone, desperate, helpless, awkward, and mostly ridiculous. And I noticed that I always like a guy. Is that weird? Like I liked Evan until I told him so, and now I like Tre and I'm also interested in Greg. And what if they turn out to be the same as Evan? Really, I need to leave Tre alone, and I am, but that doesn't mean I can stop my feelings.
And I was talking to a good friend tonight, and he said, "Rejection is a part of life. You just have to keep trying until you find that right one." And I believe that, but damn, how long does it take? I'm over two decades old, and I have yet to claim a boyfriend, a serious relationship, something deeper than infatuation or like. This friend I was talking to knows Greg and he says I should make myself more available, be more aggressive, but I did that already. I hit the gas, and I drove straight into a tree, so forgive me if I'm hesitant about getting behind the wheel again.
Am I making any sense? I mean, I don't really have to, that's what freeflow posts are for, but in my head I'm the cheese who stands alone. There's gotta be a reason I've been alone this long, but honestly I don't see it. And what if there is really someone for everyone out there but one is in Russia and one is in China and they never meet? And why is there a song for every emotion you feel? And why am I still asking questions?
The truth is, I'm not asking questions anymore. I'm still trying to answer the one before.
When is it my turn? Why can't I find someone to love me?
And even the cliches are cliche now. I know people love me, but I want a man who is in love with me as much as I am in love with him. They say be careful what you ask for, love will come to those who wait, don't look for love, it'll find you, you're the wifey type, love is patient and kind, blah, blah, blah. Love stinks like 3 day old cabbage and I can't seem to escape the kitchen.
I feel so stupid, alone, desperate, helpless, awkward, and mostly ridiculous. And I noticed that I always like a guy. Is that weird? Like I liked Evan until I told him so, and now I like Tre and I'm also interested in Greg. And what if they turn out to be the same as Evan? Really, I need to leave Tre alone, and I am, but that doesn't mean I can stop my feelings.
And I was talking to a good friend tonight, and he said, "Rejection is a part of life. You just have to keep trying until you find that right one." And I believe that, but damn, how long does it take? I'm over two decades old, and I have yet to claim a boyfriend, a serious relationship, something deeper than infatuation or like. This friend I was talking to knows Greg and he says I should make myself more available, be more aggressive, but I did that already. I hit the gas, and I drove straight into a tree, so forgive me if I'm hesitant about getting behind the wheel again.
Am I making any sense? I mean, I don't really have to, that's what freeflow posts are for, but in my head I'm the cheese who stands alone. There's gotta be a reason I've been alone this long, but honestly I don't see it. And what if there is really someone for everyone out there but one is in Russia and one is in China and they never meet? And why is there a song for every emotion you feel? And why am I still asking questions?
The truth is, I'm not asking questions anymore. I'm still trying to answer the one before.
The 4-1-1
Okay {DD}. This is what's going on. I'm going to give my interests names so that you won't get confused from here on out. Because it's going to get kind of tangled in here.
1. Bryant is my high school love. When I mentioned that if it was 4 years ago, this blog would have been about someone else, it would've been him. He will always have a piece of my heart.
2. Evan is the guy who I've basically been writing about up until now. He is the one who challenged me, made me feel electric for the moments that I saw him. I decided to tell him how I felt, and he didn't reciprocate my feelings. I've accepted that, and we're ok.
3. Tre is a new interest of mine. I like him, and I've convinced myself (we'll discuss that later) that he likes me. But he has a girlfriend. Nuff said.
4. Greg is also a new interest. I always have thought he was cute, but so did a lot of other girls, so I left him alone. I'm thinking about making a move. He's single.
So that's the 411. It seems like so much to me, but I guess it's not. That's my love life ladies and gentleman. (curtains close)
1. Bryant is my high school love. When I mentioned that if it was 4 years ago, this blog would have been about someone else, it would've been him. He will always have a piece of my heart.
2. Evan is the guy who I've basically been writing about up until now. He is the one who challenged me, made me feel electric for the moments that I saw him. I decided to tell him how I felt, and he didn't reciprocate my feelings. I've accepted that, and we're ok.
3. Tre is a new interest of mine. I like him, and I've convinced myself (we'll discuss that later) that he likes me. But he has a girlfriend. Nuff said.
4. Greg is also a new interest. I always have thought he was cute, but so did a lot of other girls, so I left him alone. I'm thinking about making a move. He's single.
So that's the 411. It seems like so much to me, but I guess it's not. That's my love life ladies and gentleman. (curtains close)
Demolition Woman
I am NOT a homewrecker. I repeat, not a homewrecker. So since you're taken, I just have to accept that. Yeah, I think we'd be a damn good couple, and yes, I have liked you for almost a year now, but circumstances and situations won't let us be anything more than what we are. Friends...i think. Are we friends? associates? I'm not sure. But no woman is going to be singing "Resentment" to you because of me. Nope. unh-unh. Not on my watch.
If only I had known you before she did.
If only I had known you before she did.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I.O.T.S !!
Boy don't try to front I-I know just-just what you a-a-are.
LMAO.
And that's not just an expression. I really am. I'm off that shit, bro. One of the main reasons I started this blog, (ok, not really), someone who has gotten a considerable amount of my posts no longer warrants that attention from me. Ha. Ha. Ha. Bitch. (no harsh feelings, bitch just fits)
Good try!! And I can't lie, he had me stuck for awhile, a web that I spun, that I trapped myself in, waiting for him to come and devour me. Came to my senses though. Old habits die hard, but I'll be at Dracula's Wedding. I'm off that shit.
And ironically enough, I know what it feels like to think you're done and you're not. And I'm really done here. If not, you'll be the first one to know.
So a last address to the former subject of my attention & affection (and the cause of my affliction {like that alliteration} lol):
It was fun while it lasted. No, that doesn't feel right. Um...Ok, here goes - (even though he has way more pieces on the board) Checkmate. Thanks for the good game.
LMAO.
And that's not just an expression. I really am. I'm off that shit, bro. One of the main reasons I started this blog, (ok, not really), someone who has gotten a considerable amount of my posts no longer warrants that attention from me. Ha. Ha. Ha. Bitch. (no harsh feelings, bitch just fits)
Good try!! And I can't lie, he had me stuck for awhile, a web that I spun, that I trapped myself in, waiting for him to come and devour me. Came to my senses though. Old habits die hard, but I'll be at Dracula's Wedding. I'm off that shit.
And ironically enough, I know what it feels like to think you're done and you're not. And I'm really done here. If not, you'll be the first one to know.
So a last address to the former subject of my attention & affection (and the cause of my affliction {like that alliteration} lol):
It was fun while it lasted. No, that doesn't feel right. Um...Ok, here goes - (even though he has way more pieces on the board) Checkmate. Thanks for the good game.
Just 5 more minutes
"Time is of the essence."
I don't even know what that means. I just know time is continually laughing at me. Even as I write this, in the wee hours of the morning, time knows it can manipulate me however it wants to...and it wants to.
In 2.5 more hours, he'll knock on my door. He'll step inside to the darkness, not out of purpose, but out of necessity. We'll stare at the stars beyond this plaster and paint and talk about nothing...something, but nothing as important as the moments to follow.
He'll pull me close to him, and for the longest time, we'll just breathe to the rhythm of our heartbeats. I wish he could read this right now, I wonder if he'd say I'm romanticizing it...a funny thought. In time, he'll face me, and softly, gently, we'll learn the way that we (he and I as an entity) like to share passionate kisses. We learn quickly, adapting, evolving, changing from gentle to forceful, but still beautiful. We'll do this in variations until McDonald's has stopped serving breakfast. But we don't need food. We are full from the sunrise.
We've untangled ourselves, and I'll look over at his bare back, his beautiful body actually laying next to mine, half-clothed, half-asleep, maybe even half in this reality. I'll smile because he is here, and later, when I have thoughts of conspiracy, I'll try to remember that smile. Seconds, minutes, hours later, he pulls his once crisp shirt over his beautiful brown torso. He'll walk to the door, me watching all the time, not knowing the ettiquette for this...
He'll look back and wave, and I'll smile goodbye at him. He trips over the rug on the way out, and I giggle, glad to know that he is still real, still human, actually three-dimensional.
When I think about it, I probably do romanticize it - the fact that we took our time, there was no harsh anything (unless we made it that way) not language, not feelings, not physical contact. It was more raw than anything. Undisturbed, unprocessed passion. Did I send signals that were too strong? Was I just another addition to his collection? Will I be okay if he never speaks to me again? Was it a conspiracy? Then, I remember my smile, and how he put it there, and whatever the effect, I was, am, maybe even will be down for the cause.
Five more minutes, and I would've done...I would've said...I would've...
Maybe next time.
I don't even know what that means. I just know time is continually laughing at me. Even as I write this, in the wee hours of the morning, time knows it can manipulate me however it wants to...and it wants to.
In 2.5 more hours, he'll knock on my door. He'll step inside to the darkness, not out of purpose, but out of necessity. We'll stare at the stars beyond this plaster and paint and talk about nothing...something, but nothing as important as the moments to follow.
He'll pull me close to him, and for the longest time, we'll just breathe to the rhythm of our heartbeats. I wish he could read this right now, I wonder if he'd say I'm romanticizing it...a funny thought. In time, he'll face me, and softly, gently, we'll learn the way that we (he and I as an entity) like to share passionate kisses. We learn quickly, adapting, evolving, changing from gentle to forceful, but still beautiful. We'll do this in variations until McDonald's has stopped serving breakfast. But we don't need food. We are full from the sunrise.
We've untangled ourselves, and I'll look over at his bare back, his beautiful body actually laying next to mine, half-clothed, half-asleep, maybe even half in this reality. I'll smile because he is here, and later, when I have thoughts of conspiracy, I'll try to remember that smile. Seconds, minutes, hours later, he pulls his once crisp shirt over his beautiful brown torso. He'll walk to the door, me watching all the time, not knowing the ettiquette for this...
He'll look back and wave, and I'll smile goodbye at him. He trips over the rug on the way out, and I giggle, glad to know that he is still real, still human, actually three-dimensional.
When I think about it, I probably do romanticize it - the fact that we took our time, there was no harsh anything (unless we made it that way) not language, not feelings, not physical contact. It was more raw than anything. Undisturbed, unprocessed passion. Did I send signals that were too strong? Was I just another addition to his collection? Will I be okay if he never speaks to me again? Was it a conspiracy? Then, I remember my smile, and how he put it there, and whatever the effect, I was, am, maybe even will be down for the cause.
Five more minutes, and I would've done...I would've said...I would've...
Maybe next time.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
V-Day Blue
"Roses are red, violets are blue, v-day stinks, it smells like p.u."
Yeah, that's an original quote. (laughs) Everyone associates Valentine's Day with the color red, but the color I feel most on every February 14th is blue. And believe it or not, for the first time in my life, I've gotten a real live, no hints, straight out, "Will you be my Valentine?" from someone, but he's not the one. What is the one? Well, I always imagined him to be someone who would snap back at me, handle my aggressiveness with the ease of a lion tamer, be supremely sexy, (and not just physically) and feel the same way for me as I felt for him.
That last bit is the most important part. I have yet to find equality in feelings with another person, and that makes me V-Day Blue. But I swear I'm not complaining, I'm just going to take this Saturday in stride, because he's out there somewhere, and he probably is writing in his blog right now, and the reason we haven't met yet is because once we do, we'll be consumed with each other, and I got things to do right now. (laughs again)
So this V-Day, no doubt, I'll be blue, but not like sadness, more like blood pumping under the skin, waiting for my fresh breath of oxygen to come and turn me into a rich, V-Day red.
Yeah, that's an original quote. (laughs) Everyone associates Valentine's Day with the color red, but the color I feel most on every February 14th is blue. And believe it or not, for the first time in my life, I've gotten a real live, no hints, straight out, "Will you be my Valentine?" from someone, but he's not the one. What is the one? Well, I always imagined him to be someone who would snap back at me, handle my aggressiveness with the ease of a lion tamer, be supremely sexy, (and not just physically) and feel the same way for me as I felt for him.
That last bit is the most important part. I have yet to find equality in feelings with another person, and that makes me V-Day Blue. But I swear I'm not complaining, I'm just going to take this Saturday in stride, because he's out there somewhere, and he probably is writing in his blog right now, and the reason we haven't met yet is because once we do, we'll be consumed with each other, and I got things to do right now. (laughs again)
So this V-Day, no doubt, I'll be blue, but not like sadness, more like blood pumping under the skin, waiting for my fresh breath of oxygen to come and turn me into a rich, V-Day red.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Valentine's Project
So, in honor of V-Day, for the next 14 days, a haiku a day, about whatever I feel about love that day. And so it begins...
I liked him so well
MY true feelings were spoken
Where do we go now?
I liked him so well
MY true feelings were spoken
Where do we go now?
Done. and done.
I did it. Knew I would. and yes, i bite-sized punked out and beat around the bush a bit, and it turned out really cheesy, but it's over. And for the first time, I don't know how I feel about something. If I'm mad, sad, or happy, I know how to deal with that, but this indifference, this is something new. I even know why I don't feel anything...he didn't give me anything to go off of...no acceptance, no rejection, no nothing. And it doesn't seem like it'll be weird, so I hope it won't. Which is something, because I really just stuck it out there...ha! (it really is kind of funny now) He could tell anybody, he could treat me differently, but i dunno...
I really feel weirder than ever now because I don't feel anything. I tried to smile, but it didn't work, I tried to cry, but it didn't feel right. I even tried to doubt whether I should've done it, and for a moment, that felt right, but then nothing.
So it's done. and done.
I really feel weirder than ever now because I don't feel anything. I tried to smile, but it didn't work, I tried to cry, but it didn't feel right. I even tried to doubt whether I should've done it, and for a moment, that felt right, but then nothing.
So it's done. and done.
Alone
"Can we taaaaaaalk for a minute? Girrrl I want to knoooow your naaaaame."
-Tevin Campbell
Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny) The very next time I see/talk/text him, I'm going to tell him the truth. Lay it all on the line. Which is why he should try not to be alone. I need to tell him while he's alone, because people just complicate things, you know, too many cooks spoil the broth. Also, people are messy, and I don't want any proof that I did this. (although I won't deny it)
I plan to say:
My dad always told me to be straight up with guys, and I haven't been straight up with you at all, and just like he told me it would, it caused me problems. Look, I like you. I don't know why, well, yeah, I know why, but I mean I don't know how to get it to go away, and I know you probably already suspected it, seeing as I've done everything but throw myself across railroad tracks for you, which is totally shameful, and I don't think I've ever acted like this before, which is why I need to tell you this now. If I tell you this now, maybe I'll feel better about all of it, and I can stop being so retarded...either that or I'll be too shamed to ever speak to you again, but either way I need some peace. So there it is. I like you. Like and that's it, but that's something.
I have no idea what he'll say after that. I don't even know if he'll let me make it through my whole little monologue, but it's worth a try. Then, ironically enough, I'll be alone. Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny)
-Tevin Campbell
Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny) The very next time I see/talk/text him, I'm going to tell him the truth. Lay it all on the line. Which is why he should try not to be alone. I need to tell him while he's alone, because people just complicate things, you know, too many cooks spoil the broth. Also, people are messy, and I don't want any proof that I did this. (although I won't deny it)
I plan to say:
My dad always told me to be straight up with guys, and I haven't been straight up with you at all, and just like he told me it would, it caused me problems. Look, I like you. I don't know why, well, yeah, I know why, but I mean I don't know how to get it to go away, and I know you probably already suspected it, seeing as I've done everything but throw myself across railroad tracks for you, which is totally shameful, and I don't think I've ever acted like this before, which is why I need to tell you this now. If I tell you this now, maybe I'll feel better about all of it, and I can stop being so retarded...either that or I'll be too shamed to ever speak to you again, but either way I need some peace. So there it is. I like you. Like and that's it, but that's something.
I have no idea what he'll say after that. I don't even know if he'll let me make it through my whole little monologue, but it's worth a try. Then, ironically enough, I'll be alone. Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny)
Headboard Confessional (get it?)
So, I promised you, (but more myself) that in this space I would always be real. Well ladies and gents, it's about to get real real up in here.
I have to wonder whether my motivation to create this blog was just so that I could rant about this one guy who I am infatuated with, but I know that's not true. I began this blog to explore matters of the heart, some matters of the mind, and all matters of love.
So here's the deal: I write about him all the time in this space. And I realized, if this were four years ago, someone else would definitely be the object of my attention, but it's not four years ago, it's now, and it's him. He is a walking billboard for assholes. But he makes me smile, challenges me, and intrigues me, and that's only in the few moments that I see him every now and then. I messed up royally. And now I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know if I'll get that chance.
And I have to wonder if subconsciously I messed it up on purpose to get myself out of a revolving door type situation with this man. But that's giving my subconscious a helluva lot of credit. I think maybe I just messed up. So what do I do now? How will he act, react, when he sees me?
I'm actually, honest-to-Moses embarrassed. I'm not mad, sad, feeling like a fool, or any of that. I'm just embarrassed. And part of that is because I don't know what to do next. I'm sorry love, but this may be the end.
I think I killed it...and theres not a got-damn-fucking-thing anyone can do about it. Only time will reveal the true damage I've done. Or maybe this is a good thing. Like I said, only time will tell, and as time is still moving, I should know something soon.
I have to wonder whether my motivation to create this blog was just so that I could rant about this one guy who I am infatuated with, but I know that's not true. I began this blog to explore matters of the heart, some matters of the mind, and all matters of love.
So here's the deal: I write about him all the time in this space. And I realized, if this were four years ago, someone else would definitely be the object of my attention, but it's not four years ago, it's now, and it's him. He is a walking billboard for assholes. But he makes me smile, challenges me, and intrigues me, and that's only in the few moments that I see him every now and then. I messed up royally. And now I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know if I'll get that chance.
And I have to wonder if subconsciously I messed it up on purpose to get myself out of a revolving door type situation with this man. But that's giving my subconscious a helluva lot of credit. I think maybe I just messed up. So what do I do now? How will he act, react, when he sees me?
I'm actually, honest-to-Moses embarrassed. I'm not mad, sad, feeling like a fool, or any of that. I'm just embarrassed. And part of that is because I don't know what to do next. I'm sorry love, but this may be the end.
I think I killed it...and theres not a got-damn-fucking-thing anyone can do about it. Only time will reveal the true damage I've done. Or maybe this is a good thing. Like I said, only time will tell, and as time is still moving, I should know something soon.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Circles
I sat down in the loveseat,
And it hurt my brain to think,
So I began to rub my temples
In a smooth, circular motion
Fingertips pressed together
Applying the necessary pressure
In a smooth circular motion
The same motion that I seem to be caught up in with you
Squeezed together your fingertips
Going round and round and round
Caressing the small of my back
While your tongue searches for it’s soulmate between my lips
Going round and round and round
Thoughts swirling in my head
In a smooth circular motion
Like how you left me hanging, and I felt abandoned
Then you called one day, just for rambling
And I was cold until I heard the dial tone
And I left you hangin, feeling alone
And the saga continued
In a smooth circular motion
I am sitting in a loveseat, I thought
But I might not be in love
Can I still sit here, if I’m not, but I was?
And why am I having these uselessly profound thoughts
When I don’t even smoke that green?
Why does this rubbing on my temples
Feel so peaceful and serene?
Because it’s in a smooth, circular motion
Like the relationship we have
Back and forth, and around, and around, and around
Like the waves we make on the dance floor,
When everyone else disappears
Like our voices taking turns yelling
Loud enough for the neighbors to hear
Like the endless curls in my hair
That I spent an hour on to look good for you
Like rims on a new car,
Shiny and new
Going round and around and around
In a smooth circular motion
Like the sun and the moon, switching positions
Like planets in orbit, and the earth just spinning
360 degrees of repetition
Sometimes it’s fun, at other times tedious
Sometimes profound and other times meaningless
But as it keeps going, and has no end,
If we are enemies, we’ll soon make it around to being friends
and then I think, I had an epiphany:
I’m glad that your circle is completed by me
And my headache feels better
But as I sit in the loveseat
I continue to rub my temples
Because it just feels good to me
In a smooth, circular motion.
And it hurt my brain to think,
So I began to rub my temples
In a smooth, circular motion
Fingertips pressed together
Applying the necessary pressure
In a smooth circular motion
The same motion that I seem to be caught up in with you
Squeezed together your fingertips
Going round and round and round
Caressing the small of my back
While your tongue searches for it’s soulmate between my lips
Going round and round and round
Thoughts swirling in my head
In a smooth circular motion
Like how you left me hanging, and I felt abandoned
Then you called one day, just for rambling
And I was cold until I heard the dial tone
And I left you hangin, feeling alone
And the saga continued
In a smooth circular motion
I am sitting in a loveseat, I thought
But I might not be in love
Can I still sit here, if I’m not, but I was?
And why am I having these uselessly profound thoughts
When I don’t even smoke that green?
Why does this rubbing on my temples
Feel so peaceful and serene?
Because it’s in a smooth, circular motion
Like the relationship we have
Back and forth, and around, and around, and around
Like the waves we make on the dance floor,
When everyone else disappears
Like our voices taking turns yelling
Loud enough for the neighbors to hear
Like the endless curls in my hair
That I spent an hour on to look good for you
Like rims on a new car,
Shiny and new
Going round and around and around
In a smooth circular motion
Like the sun and the moon, switching positions
Like planets in orbit, and the earth just spinning
360 degrees of repetition
Sometimes it’s fun, at other times tedious
Sometimes profound and other times meaningless
But as it keeps going, and has no end,
If we are enemies, we’ll soon make it around to being friends
and then I think, I had an epiphany:
I’m glad that your circle is completed by me
And my headache feels better
But as I sit in the loveseat
I continue to rub my temples
Because it just feels good to me
In a smooth, circular motion.
Vive La Resistance! 2
This weekend was a blast!! Me and the girls (and Jose) had sooooo much fun. That being said, I saw him, and I did something crazy and stupid. I had been working, and succeeding at not contacting him, and last night months of work came crashing down...not to mention, the "L" word was used in a way that it probably, definitely shouldn't have been. No, oh no, I know what you're thinking, but I didn't tell him I loved him, nooooo. I just simply expressed that I didn't love him anymore. Dumb. Profoundly dumb. But, it wasn't just me talking, it was me and the liquor. And anyone who says a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts is just trying to blame it on the alcohol.
To make matters worse, I poured salt into the wound by texting him later the next day. He didn't answer. And now, when I could have handled everything completely different, I lost my composure, sent mixed signals, ruined all my ignoring him, and my feelings are still there, in the middle of the artic with a bikini on, cold and lonely. But in a way, that's what I get. I know how to handle this man, but I just keep making myslef vulnerable. And part of me doesn't even believe that. But the other part of me knows that as a woman, I have the power and the smarts to strategically handle this situation. But that's just it. I don't want to handle him. I don't want to play games, but everytime I get the courage to be honest, to quit being so dumb, I like to Mike Jordan him, and get right back in the game.
I feel like Carrie and Mr. Big, and that's a funny, scary, has-too-many-implications-to-analyze-right-now-thought.
Damn.
To make matters worse, I poured salt into the wound by texting him later the next day. He didn't answer. And now, when I could have handled everything completely different, I lost my composure, sent mixed signals, ruined all my ignoring him, and my feelings are still there, in the middle of the artic with a bikini on, cold and lonely. But in a way, that's what I get. I know how to handle this man, but I just keep making myslef vulnerable. And part of me doesn't even believe that. But the other part of me knows that as a woman, I have the power and the smarts to strategically handle this situation. But that's just it. I don't want to handle him. I don't want to play games, but everytime I get the courage to be honest, to quit being so dumb, I like to Mike Jordan him, and get right back in the game.
I feel like Carrie and Mr. Big, and that's a funny, scary, has-too-many-implications-to-analyze-right-now-thought.
Damn.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Vive La Resistance!
I am trying soooo hard not to send this text message. I still like him, I might be cursed. I will probably run into him this weekend, and I'll do something stupid or crazy like I always do, but that seems to be the nature of our relationship...he challenges me...or at least he did. And he had the nerve to contact me not too long ago, only to leave me excited and confused, and ultimately hurt once I realized I'm just a toy to him. And I don't even know if that's true, but that's sure what it feels like. More to come, but I'm so sleepy, I keep stutter-typing and backspacing, so we'll discuss it more later.
Big ups to Seraph too.
Big ups to Seraph too.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Back by Popular Demand
Ok, so I planned to return on Inauguration Day, January 20th, but demand from my personal thoughts requires me to return sooner than I had anticipated. I thought about {DD} often while I was enjoying my holiday vacation, but as I did not write during that time, I will have to wait for those ideas to come back to me. In the meantime, I am excited about Barack Obama being named the 44th President of the United States of America. I am also excited about a renewal in my life, but I cannot discuss it until I know it will be successful. I hope to speak of it soon. To all my readers, welcome back! Know that the principles under which I created {DD} still stand, and I hope to continue posting.
The Golden Rule
So, I am, finally, treating a man the way I would never want to be treated. I understand a lot of things that I didn't understand before. It's hard to hurt someone's feelings to tell them that you're not interested for no other reason than you're not interested. Especially after you were nice to them so they may have thought you were.
And, I am, holding back from telling someone the way I really feel about them, which makes me a giant hypocrite because I always want people to be straight up with me. But in a way, I feel like the truth will cause way more drama than not saying anything at all. Is silence a quiet form of lying? (hmm...that should be a new post)
Bottom line...the golden rule is a hard rule to follow.
And, I am, holding back from telling someone the way I really feel about them, which makes me a giant hypocrite because I always want people to be straight up with me. But in a way, I feel like the truth will cause way more drama than not saying anything at all. Is silence a quiet form of lying? (hmm...that should be a new post)
Bottom line...the golden rule is a hard rule to follow.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Don't Call It A Comeback
{DD}!!!!! I am so happy to see you again. My holidays were wonderful, thanks for asking. I'm not back yet, but I will return at the end of this month, so be on the lookout!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
