Boy don't try to front I-I know just-just what you a-a-are.
LMAO.
And that's not just an expression. I really am. I'm off that shit, bro. One of the main reasons I started this blog, (ok, not really), someone who has gotten a considerable amount of my posts no longer warrants that attention from me. Ha. Ha. Ha. Bitch. (no harsh feelings, bitch just fits)
Good try!! And I can't lie, he had me stuck for awhile, a web that I spun, that I trapped myself in, waiting for him to come and devour me. Came to my senses though. Old habits die hard, but I'll be at Dracula's Wedding. I'm off that shit.
And ironically enough, I know what it feels like to think you're done and you're not. And I'm really done here. If not, you'll be the first one to know.
So a last address to the former subject of my attention & affection (and the cause of my affliction {like that alliteration} lol):
It was fun while it lasted. No, that doesn't feel right. Um...Ok, here goes - (even though he has way more pieces on the board) Checkmate. Thanks for the good game.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Just 5 more minutes
"Time is of the essence."
I don't even know what that means. I just know time is continually laughing at me. Even as I write this, in the wee hours of the morning, time knows it can manipulate me however it wants to...and it wants to.
In 2.5 more hours, he'll knock on my door. He'll step inside to the darkness, not out of purpose, but out of necessity. We'll stare at the stars beyond this plaster and paint and talk about nothing...something, but nothing as important as the moments to follow.
He'll pull me close to him, and for the longest time, we'll just breathe to the rhythm of our heartbeats. I wish he could read this right now, I wonder if he'd say I'm romanticizing it...a funny thought. In time, he'll face me, and softly, gently, we'll learn the way that we (he and I as an entity) like to share passionate kisses. We learn quickly, adapting, evolving, changing from gentle to forceful, but still beautiful. We'll do this in variations until McDonald's has stopped serving breakfast. But we don't need food. We are full from the sunrise.
We've untangled ourselves, and I'll look over at his bare back, his beautiful body actually laying next to mine, half-clothed, half-asleep, maybe even half in this reality. I'll smile because he is here, and later, when I have thoughts of conspiracy, I'll try to remember that smile. Seconds, minutes, hours later, he pulls his once crisp shirt over his beautiful brown torso. He'll walk to the door, me watching all the time, not knowing the ettiquette for this...
He'll look back and wave, and I'll smile goodbye at him. He trips over the rug on the way out, and I giggle, glad to know that he is still real, still human, actually three-dimensional.
When I think about it, I probably do romanticize it - the fact that we took our time, there was no harsh anything (unless we made it that way) not language, not feelings, not physical contact. It was more raw than anything. Undisturbed, unprocessed passion. Did I send signals that were too strong? Was I just another addition to his collection? Will I be okay if he never speaks to me again? Was it a conspiracy? Then, I remember my smile, and how he put it there, and whatever the effect, I was, am, maybe even will be down for the cause.
Five more minutes, and I would've done...I would've said...I would've...
Maybe next time.
I don't even know what that means. I just know time is continually laughing at me. Even as I write this, in the wee hours of the morning, time knows it can manipulate me however it wants to...and it wants to.
In 2.5 more hours, he'll knock on my door. He'll step inside to the darkness, not out of purpose, but out of necessity. We'll stare at the stars beyond this plaster and paint and talk about nothing...something, but nothing as important as the moments to follow.
He'll pull me close to him, and for the longest time, we'll just breathe to the rhythm of our heartbeats. I wish he could read this right now, I wonder if he'd say I'm romanticizing it...a funny thought. In time, he'll face me, and softly, gently, we'll learn the way that we (he and I as an entity) like to share passionate kisses. We learn quickly, adapting, evolving, changing from gentle to forceful, but still beautiful. We'll do this in variations until McDonald's has stopped serving breakfast. But we don't need food. We are full from the sunrise.
We've untangled ourselves, and I'll look over at his bare back, his beautiful body actually laying next to mine, half-clothed, half-asleep, maybe even half in this reality. I'll smile because he is here, and later, when I have thoughts of conspiracy, I'll try to remember that smile. Seconds, minutes, hours later, he pulls his once crisp shirt over his beautiful brown torso. He'll walk to the door, me watching all the time, not knowing the ettiquette for this...
He'll look back and wave, and I'll smile goodbye at him. He trips over the rug on the way out, and I giggle, glad to know that he is still real, still human, actually three-dimensional.
When I think about it, I probably do romanticize it - the fact that we took our time, there was no harsh anything (unless we made it that way) not language, not feelings, not physical contact. It was more raw than anything. Undisturbed, unprocessed passion. Did I send signals that were too strong? Was I just another addition to his collection? Will I be okay if he never speaks to me again? Was it a conspiracy? Then, I remember my smile, and how he put it there, and whatever the effect, I was, am, maybe even will be down for the cause.
Five more minutes, and I would've done...I would've said...I would've...
Maybe next time.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
V-Day Blue
"Roses are red, violets are blue, v-day stinks, it smells like p.u."
Yeah, that's an original quote. (laughs) Everyone associates Valentine's Day with the color red, but the color I feel most on every February 14th is blue. And believe it or not, for the first time in my life, I've gotten a real live, no hints, straight out, "Will you be my Valentine?" from someone, but he's not the one. What is the one? Well, I always imagined him to be someone who would snap back at me, handle my aggressiveness with the ease of a lion tamer, be supremely sexy, (and not just physically) and feel the same way for me as I felt for him.
That last bit is the most important part. I have yet to find equality in feelings with another person, and that makes me V-Day Blue. But I swear I'm not complaining, I'm just going to take this Saturday in stride, because he's out there somewhere, and he probably is writing in his blog right now, and the reason we haven't met yet is because once we do, we'll be consumed with each other, and I got things to do right now. (laughs again)
So this V-Day, no doubt, I'll be blue, but not like sadness, more like blood pumping under the skin, waiting for my fresh breath of oxygen to come and turn me into a rich, V-Day red.
Yeah, that's an original quote. (laughs) Everyone associates Valentine's Day with the color red, but the color I feel most on every February 14th is blue. And believe it or not, for the first time in my life, I've gotten a real live, no hints, straight out, "Will you be my Valentine?" from someone, but he's not the one. What is the one? Well, I always imagined him to be someone who would snap back at me, handle my aggressiveness with the ease of a lion tamer, be supremely sexy, (and not just physically) and feel the same way for me as I felt for him.
That last bit is the most important part. I have yet to find equality in feelings with another person, and that makes me V-Day Blue. But I swear I'm not complaining, I'm just going to take this Saturday in stride, because he's out there somewhere, and he probably is writing in his blog right now, and the reason we haven't met yet is because once we do, we'll be consumed with each other, and I got things to do right now. (laughs again)
So this V-Day, no doubt, I'll be blue, but not like sadness, more like blood pumping under the skin, waiting for my fresh breath of oxygen to come and turn me into a rich, V-Day red.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Valentine's Project
So, in honor of V-Day, for the next 14 days, a haiku a day, about whatever I feel about love that day. And so it begins...
I liked him so well
MY true feelings were spoken
Where do we go now?
I liked him so well
MY true feelings were spoken
Where do we go now?
Done. and done.
I did it. Knew I would. and yes, i bite-sized punked out and beat around the bush a bit, and it turned out really cheesy, but it's over. And for the first time, I don't know how I feel about something. If I'm mad, sad, or happy, I know how to deal with that, but this indifference, this is something new. I even know why I don't feel anything...he didn't give me anything to go off of...no acceptance, no rejection, no nothing. And it doesn't seem like it'll be weird, so I hope it won't. Which is something, because I really just stuck it out there...ha! (it really is kind of funny now) He could tell anybody, he could treat me differently, but i dunno...
I really feel weirder than ever now because I don't feel anything. I tried to smile, but it didn't work, I tried to cry, but it didn't feel right. I even tried to doubt whether I should've done it, and for a moment, that felt right, but then nothing.
So it's done. and done.
I really feel weirder than ever now because I don't feel anything. I tried to smile, but it didn't work, I tried to cry, but it didn't feel right. I even tried to doubt whether I should've done it, and for a moment, that felt right, but then nothing.
So it's done. and done.
Alone
"Can we taaaaaaalk for a minute? Girrrl I want to knoooow your naaaaame."
-Tevin Campbell
Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny) The very next time I see/talk/text him, I'm going to tell him the truth. Lay it all on the line. Which is why he should try not to be alone. I need to tell him while he's alone, because people just complicate things, you know, too many cooks spoil the broth. Also, people are messy, and I don't want any proof that I did this. (although I won't deny it)
I plan to say:
My dad always told me to be straight up with guys, and I haven't been straight up with you at all, and just like he told me it would, it caused me problems. Look, I like you. I don't know why, well, yeah, I know why, but I mean I don't know how to get it to go away, and I know you probably already suspected it, seeing as I've done everything but throw myself across railroad tracks for you, which is totally shameful, and I don't think I've ever acted like this before, which is why I need to tell you this now. If I tell you this now, maybe I'll feel better about all of it, and I can stop being so retarded...either that or I'll be too shamed to ever speak to you again, but either way I need some peace. So there it is. I like you. Like and that's it, but that's something.
I have no idea what he'll say after that. I don't even know if he'll let me make it through my whole little monologue, but it's worth a try. Then, ironically enough, I'll be alone. Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny)
-Tevin Campbell
Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny) The very next time I see/talk/text him, I'm going to tell him the truth. Lay it all on the line. Which is why he should try not to be alone. I need to tell him while he's alone, because people just complicate things, you know, too many cooks spoil the broth. Also, people are messy, and I don't want any proof that I did this. (although I won't deny it)
I plan to say:
My dad always told me to be straight up with guys, and I haven't been straight up with you at all, and just like he told me it would, it caused me problems. Look, I like you. I don't know why, well, yeah, I know why, but I mean I don't know how to get it to go away, and I know you probably already suspected it, seeing as I've done everything but throw myself across railroad tracks for you, which is totally shameful, and I don't think I've ever acted like this before, which is why I need to tell you this now. If I tell you this now, maybe I'll feel better about all of it, and I can stop being so retarded...either that or I'll be too shamed to ever speak to you again, but either way I need some peace. So there it is. I like you. Like and that's it, but that's something.
I have no idea what he'll say after that. I don't even know if he'll let me make it through my whole little monologue, but it's worth a try. Then, ironically enough, I'll be alone. Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny)
Headboard Confessional (get it?)
So, I promised you, (but more myself) that in this space I would always be real. Well ladies and gents, it's about to get real real up in here.
I have to wonder whether my motivation to create this blog was just so that I could rant about this one guy who I am infatuated with, but I know that's not true. I began this blog to explore matters of the heart, some matters of the mind, and all matters of love.
So here's the deal: I write about him all the time in this space. And I realized, if this were four years ago, someone else would definitely be the object of my attention, but it's not four years ago, it's now, and it's him. He is a walking billboard for assholes. But he makes me smile, challenges me, and intrigues me, and that's only in the few moments that I see him every now and then. I messed up royally. And now I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know if I'll get that chance.
And I have to wonder if subconsciously I messed it up on purpose to get myself out of a revolving door type situation with this man. But that's giving my subconscious a helluva lot of credit. I think maybe I just messed up. So what do I do now? How will he act, react, when he sees me?
I'm actually, honest-to-Moses embarrassed. I'm not mad, sad, feeling like a fool, or any of that. I'm just embarrassed. And part of that is because I don't know what to do next. I'm sorry love, but this may be the end.
I think I killed it...and theres not a got-damn-fucking-thing anyone can do about it. Only time will reveal the true damage I've done. Or maybe this is a good thing. Like I said, only time will tell, and as time is still moving, I should know something soon.
I have to wonder whether my motivation to create this blog was just so that I could rant about this one guy who I am infatuated with, but I know that's not true. I began this blog to explore matters of the heart, some matters of the mind, and all matters of love.
So here's the deal: I write about him all the time in this space. And I realized, if this were four years ago, someone else would definitely be the object of my attention, but it's not four years ago, it's now, and it's him. He is a walking billboard for assholes. But he makes me smile, challenges me, and intrigues me, and that's only in the few moments that I see him every now and then. I messed up royally. And now I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know if I'll get that chance.
And I have to wonder if subconsciously I messed it up on purpose to get myself out of a revolving door type situation with this man. But that's giving my subconscious a helluva lot of credit. I think maybe I just messed up. So what do I do now? How will he act, react, when he sees me?
I'm actually, honest-to-Moses embarrassed. I'm not mad, sad, feeling like a fool, or any of that. I'm just embarrassed. And part of that is because I don't know what to do next. I'm sorry love, but this may be the end.
I think I killed it...and theres not a got-damn-fucking-thing anyone can do about it. Only time will reveal the true damage I've done. Or maybe this is a good thing. Like I said, only time will tell, and as time is still moving, I should know something soon.
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