A Penny with a Hole In It

wonderfully worthless.rare and special.valuable beyond compare.damaged but resilient.a diamond in the rough.worthy of a song.beautiful.ugly.meant to be kept.detoured from destiny.missing a piece.money.treasure.experienced.wise.a shooting star.a blue moon.puppies.burkett street.the girl who lived on gertin.priceless.memorable.transformed.the boy who can text.the majorette.orange glazed chicken.fried turkey.a blue hat.skates.300 lanes.cafes on the feeder.do-nuts.cherry-strawberry flavored.blogs.necklaces.gold rings.swimming lessons.pickup trucks.songs to makeout to.shiny.dull.used.visible.transparent.solid as a rock.strong.confident.sad.lonely.different.outcast.wonderfully worthless.rare and special.valuable beyond compare.damaged but resilient.a diamond in the rough.worthy of a song.beautiful.me.

The Value of Virginity

What if I told you I was a virgin? Would you look at me funny? Say that's a good thing? Go back and read this entire blog with a different perspective? Does virginity have a value anymore? Can you say what that value is??

We live in a sex-crazed society. Mostly because we live in a money-crazed society, but we'll discuss those theories at a later date. Right now I'm talking about the social value of virginity. Is it good to be a virigin these days? Or does being one make you a social leper? I wonder. I think it's one of those things where you would never really know the truth because people wouldn't tell you. I can say it's good to be a virgin, say I admire you, and then turn around and say, "It couldn't be me though!" So first of all, who could it be?? Boys are encouraged to have sex as soon as they can convince a female it's worth it, and girls are just confused. We let go of it too soon, we're a hoe. We let go of it too late, we're a prude. But someone is having sex with those boys who are just starting out, and some girls are still holding on to their V-Cards for their own personal reasons.

So what does society say? I've seen it in action. I saw a girl announce to a room full of people that she was a virgin. The reaction was silence, then a round of applause. In other words, "Huh? A virgin? (applause) Oh, well that's good." (to themselves: "Couldn't be me though.") So what is the value of a virgin? Is it a rare and precious commodity? Is it just an oddity? I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Here's mine:

I think being a virgin is damn near impossible today. However, most girls I talk to say that they wish they could get theirs back. Mind you, in the same breath they will tell you about their last sexcapade, so societal standards and expectations are guard walls that never dissolve. I personally believe in waiting until you feel that you are fully ready. And it's not a decision that I would make on the spur of the moment, no matter how lustful I might be at the time. It's like my rule about never going to the grocery store hungry -- you just don't do it. And it doesn't hurt to get tested. As a matter of fact, you and your partner should get tested. And if you choose not to have sex, then it doesn't hurt to stay informed. Keep up with important information about sexual intercourse, because when you're ready, you also want to be prepared. Virginity is a beautiful thing, and it is a woman's most precious gift. That gift can be ripped open or carefully unwrapped, but once it's given, it can never be returned. Sex with someone you love, care for, or even just want to have sex with can be amazing, but realize that when you do, you give that someone a piece of yourself, a piece of your soul, so choose carefully.

Now why am I going on a sex rant? I'm not quite sure...I was just wondering about virginity in today's society. I'm sure there's more on the subject, but that's all for now. And as for me?? You really wanna know?? Whether I am a virgin or not, let's just say I have no regrets. Patience is a virtue that tends to pay off.

Freeflow 5

Random thoughts:

1. Why can't pretty girls get along?? We always have to find something to hate on, knowing that we have no reason to be mean to each other except the fact that we want to. Stupid.

2. I'm not a homewrecker, at least I don't intend to be, but your girlfriend makes me want to be one. Do you realize that the one you're with is trash? And I hate to call another female trash, but damn. You deserve better. Not even necessarily me, just someone that I approve of. Hush.

3. I ♥ Christmas. Grinches and Scrooges get over it. Now.

4. Now, in the winter, when it's cold, people tend to find someone to snuggle up with. I don't think I'd know what to do with that. Sad.

5. I miss my siblings. Very much.

Untitled as of yet...

Nice guys finish last,
But nice girls never even get to run the race
So my instant gratification
Has been indefinitely delayed

{more to come...}

Hype Woman

"The word 'romance,' according to the dictionary, means excitement, adventure, and something extremely real."

But do we as women hype each other up to create romances that aren't there? In other words, do we inadvertently send each other on a journey for romance, looking for excitement and adventure when it was never there in the first place? Most likely, yes. Friends will always tease each other. Simple comments and glances are analyzed, over-analyzed, and turned into magical movie moments. We already know this. But the real question is, are we accidentally hurting each other?

The goal is not to chase any man at all, but if you had a moment, and your homegirls turned that moment into a special moment, and you got caught up in the romanticism of it all, the next thing you know, you're buying products from ACME trying to trap a roadrunner that was never meant to be caught. But the crazy thing is, I don't think we romanticize things with the purpose of hurting each other...I think it's just in our female nature to pick up on the slightest hint of like, lust, or love between not only our friends and thier beaus, but everyone. It's a primal instinct, and there's so much competition out there, we push the ones we love to the head of the pack.

I've seen two completely separate groups of girls have the same conversation about the same guy, each group telling one of their girls that the boy was interested in them, that he doesn't treat every girl like that, that they shared a moment. And it was said out of love, not spite, but ultimately, did the coyote ever catch the roadrunner? NO, but he did keep trying. We'll just have to keep getting flattened, railroaded, and smashed up, and we'll straighten each other out before the next scene opens, and we're chasing our prince charming again. Meep! Meep!

Frenzy!

So, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday. I know I've been gone for a minute, but I haven't forgotten about my loyal readers. I posted several new items, mostly about random subjects, and I hope you enjoy. More coming soon!

A Friend Like Fawkes

There are some people in this world that will never put full effort into what they do. Some of them are not motivated, some of them are lazy, and others are so talented that if they focused hard enough on a task, it would probably blow-up. I happen to know one such person. She has got to be one of the wisest, funniest, and wonderfully crazy people I know. She understands me, and I her. She brings excellence to everything she does, but I have never really seen her put her all into something, except maybe a couple of drawings I’ve seen her do. I think people like this girl are like phoenixes – rare, talented, useful, and someone you want to have around just for the sheer amazement that they bring. I think she is beautiful, and when I find myself in the dungeon, having been wounded by whatever serpent has decided to rush me at the time, she will always come and lift me up, up, and away. Recently, she saved me from danger like I’ve never experienced before. I was heavy, had been for a long time, but I didn’t want to burden anyone with my cares. With her, I didn’t have to worry about that. Like a real phoenix, my weight is nothing for her, and although she doesn’t cry tears, her words are just as healing. She allows me to be mean, nice, crazy, whatever, whenever. Like I said, I have never seen her put full effort into anything, but being a friend is a task that requires no effort for her. She’s a natural at it. She’s my best friend and I love her.

No homo.

Daddy’s Girl

I love my got damn daddy. Yes, I am definitely a daddy’s girl. And not in the sense that he will give me his credit card for senseless purchases and scare my boyfriends, but in the sense that me and that man will ride or die, because we share more than just a last name. As a disclaimer, let me say that I am not downplaying the fact that I love my mother just as equally, but there’s something that me and my daddy have that I wish all girls could have…I think it would make the world a better place. Hell, it might even repair the Black family structure, lol. But a father’s love is something that you can’t explain. It’s a feeling, a lesson, and an adventure all rolled into one, and I love it! Not that I would ever tell anyone, but I’m a daddy’s girl.

Planters Anyone?

We sat awkwardly in silence, less than five feet from each other. I wished I had a bag of peanuts to feed the elephant in the room. We had grown apart. I wasn’t the same person, and who I was didn’t fit with us anymore. I was sad, because I didn’t notice it happen. It wasn’t all at once, it was a gradual progression over time, and us being apart made that progression even harder to notice. But now, here we were, both looking anywhere but in each other’s eyes. I hadn’t changed on purpose, it just happened from circumstance, and I wondered why the person I was now couldn’t fit with us. A funny thought popped into my head. We had outgrown each other, like children outgrow clothes. But no one is meant to wear the same clothes forever, but these weren’t clothes. They were people. What do you do when you outgrow people? And me, I seem to grow like a weed, so what do I do about it? I think I grow because I’m giant. More giant than most people can handle, so when I get bigger, they tend to get smaller. They get smaller, then they try to look down on me. But how do you look down on a giant? And what if we’re both giants, but we just don’t fit anymore? That’s what was happening here. We were both giants, so neither one of us could look down on the other, but we just didn’t fit anymore. I hoped one day we would grow some more and fit again, but for now, all I could do was sit in silence and wish for a bag of peanuts.

Tortured by Technology

Technology is a motherfucker, ain’t it? Especially for nostalgic-ass females, like me and several others, who also overthink everything that happens between themselves and the male species. See, with this technology shit, you can save text messages, review conversations, go back over them and put emphasis on different things, basically torture yourself. And if that wasn’t enough, you can stalk a niggas Facebook and MySpace page and get mad at every other female he interacts with, as if he belongs to you, you can criticize his girlfriend, and see how much fun he is having without you. You can be his own little RoboCop and he never has to know, all the while you are pouring salt into the wound that Cupid gave you. And I even remember back in the day when you could get a schedule from the attendance office in school and magically run into your beau in the hallways. Sound crazy? I know. I’m actually really laughing as I write this, but the girls who are reading this definitely did it, or at least aided and abetted a friend in doing it. All of us have a little stalker somewhere in us, you just need the right person to make it come out. But back to the point – technology can torture you. If you don’t think so, look at your text messages right now, or watch where you navigate to next time you’re on a social network. Bet five dollars you end up laughing at yourself.

Must be 18 to ride this ride

Do you know why adults can’t go back to childhood? I’ll tell you why – it’s because they would take all their adult knowledge with them, and they wouldn’t fit into the child stage of life. When you are at a certain stage in life, everything fits – in elementary, you’re learning, expending energy at recess, eating properly at lunch so you can grow. In college, you have classes, but you have a lot of free time to learn to discipline yourself, with which you’ll ultimately be drunk most of the time and learn your lessons the hard way. As an elder, you have wisdom from all your previous years, but most likely you will tell younger people in a roundabout way what they should be doing because you’re also wise enough to know that no matter what you tell them, they have to experience certain things for themselves to be able to understand them.

Although all this is true, and adults can’t go back to being children, they can always take the spirit of a child with them. They can learn, and grow, and even grow-up, but they can be childlike at anytime they choose. Most often it pops out in the rarest of moments, and usually one person unleashing their inner child will allow others to do the same. You can see it in the way adults interact and joke with each other, and even in the petty ways they hold grudges and compete with each other.

Me, I’ll never fully grow up, and I like it that way. I’ve been an adult for most of my life, so when I get the chance to be a kid, I seize it, no questions asked. I’ve had to grow up in ways that other children haven’t had to, and I’m not bitter about that at all, but don’t judge me when you see my younger version. When you look at me, you see a young adult, driven and purposeful, trying to make something out of herself, take care of her family, please her friends. However, if you look a little closer, the glimmer in my eye reveals the sunshine on the playground, the night light by which I read many chapter books, the smile of the first boy I ever had a crush on. The young me keeps the older me from losing sight of the joys sometimes. She keeps me innocent and fun-loving. It is that glimmer that fights off the shadows of the adult world.

M.I.A. = Missing Invokes Anger

Missing people is a funny thing. A lot of people get sad about missing someone that they care for, but most of the people that I know get mad. I mean really outraged. And what’s so crazy about it is that they can justify their feelings and actions. One friend of mine spewed profanity that I had never heard matched together before when his granny got sick, and he wasn’t cursing about her, he was cursing at her! My own family has been missing me because we are not as close as we used to be, so instead if getting all mushy and telling me they miss me, they find ways to fight with me. I recently visited them, and they were so angry that I hadn’t been home sooner that they took to ignoring me. Nuts. When I told them I was leaving the next day, they immediately fussed at me! So now I was confused. They wanted me there, but they wanted to be mad at me, but they didn’t want me to leave…nuts. Missing people is a funny thing, I tell you.

I miss one of my very best friends who is not with me anymore. I find myself scribbling his name on scraps of paper at the most random times. Certain things that happen, certain smells, certain places, remind me of him. I’m truly pissed at him too. I don’t understand why he’s not here with me. I can’t process it in my brain…he was always there, and then he wasn’t. True, we took each other for granted, and if he was here right now, we’d probably still be having a contest to see who would call first (he always won), but now that he’s not here…I don’t know. And yes, I’m mad at him. It’s his fault. Totally. Damnit, I know he couldn’t control what happened to him, and no one chooses not to be here anymore, but he’s gone, and I don’t have anyone else to blame. I miss him.

And one of the worst ways to miss people is when they’re within your reach. Seeing someone go on without you when they were always with you before should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. And usually you don’t get an explanation as to why things change, they just do. And it sucks, and you question yourself, and you question your past, and ultimately you end up mad at that person. Denise and Robert were always together. Now you never see them in the same place at the same time, and if you do, Denise is being so mean and inconsistent that it confuses Robert, almost scares him. But she misses him, and she doesn’t know how else to react. Missing people is a curious feeling, especially when they’re right in front of you.

Missing people altogether is a funny thing.

You Can't Erase Ink

Once ink spills onto it's surface, paper skin, your heart, it's there forever. And ironically enough, I was told to never write anything down that you don't want someone to read - for that very reason. But what if I didn't write it? What if someone took a page out of my book of life, made their mark on it, then slipped it back inside the book? Well, they did.

I want to forget him. I want to erase him from my memory, erase him from my life, get that page back in my book. A lot of people can do it, too. They can erase a person from their lives and pretend like nothing ever happened with them. I, unfortunately, am not one of those people. So this entry is for him. Maybe if I put this ink here, it will come off of my mind and my heart.

Dear You,

Yes. I had, no have feelings for you. I couldn't say it before because I was scared, but now it doesn't even matter. If I was to be totally honest, I wish we could have a chance to be together. I wish we could cut the games and try this out. But games is all we know, you have tunnel vision, and I'm not anywhere in the tunnel. I don't know why I feel for you, I mean, I hardly know you, but what I do know fits. I would like to honestly get the chance to know you better. Even though I am attracted to you, I just want to be friends, because friends is safe. It's not messy, it's not too unpredictable, it's just right. There's a lot about me I wish you knew. And I hate to sound desperate (which I'm probably doing right now) but these feelings won't go away, and so I have to put them here. Inevitably, when I move on from you, you will see how beautiful I am, you will see what it meant for me to feel for you, but that time is not now. I am hoping to become ice cold like you. I want to be cooler than cool, and I want the cool back that you stole from me. These feelings may never go away, but at least if I freeze them, they'll stop bothering me. I'll see you soon, and I'll act indifferent like I always do, and we'll go on like we've been doing. I did that before, and it didn't work out too well, so I feel like I want to seize the moment with you, only you and I don't have the same mindframe. Sad, but true...I still feel for you. So I'm putting this pen to paper, rather these keys to the page, hoping and praying that these feelings will goaway.

Love,
Me

Freeflow 4

"Pain is love."

I guess so, because it really hurts when you have feelings for someone and they just don't feel the same way. I used to be able to complain about it, and I could be the victim all I wanted to, but no more. I have to apolgize to the young man that I hurt, that I am continually hurting, because I don't feel the way about him that he does about me. And it hurts because I am hurting him, and it hurts because the same way he feels about me, I feel about someone else. Remember that scene in the Wedding Planner where Mary is explaining to Mossimo about love and he says, "You long for him the way I long for you"? It feels just like that. On the one hand, I feel betrayed by love every time I think about how I accepted the treatment of an asshole because I liked him so much. On the other hand, I realize that I'm an asshole to someone else, so that takes the drama away from being abused by love.

I feel pain for the one that I like who doesn't like me back, I feel pain for the one that likes me, I'm just getting it on all sides. And I keep telling myself I'm not a bad person, I just don't reciprocate his feelings. Sometimes he gets on my nerves, and I wish he would just stop trying. There's nothing wrong with him except for the fact that I don't want him. Perfectly fine man, just not for me. Then I stop being mean because I realize that someone else could possibly think of me that way. Love hurts.

A Day for Mr. Rogers

Today really was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. It was nice outside, I woke up early this morning, the day started on a good note, and I'm getting this accomplished. This is a definite turnaround from the funk I've been feeling lately, and I hope it stays awhile.

In the meantime, I'd just like to say that I feel pumped. I feel like I should be a revolutionary. The more I learn about things and witness other things for myself, I feel like I should be doing things for my community, especially the black community. I think I'm going to do a documentary soon. I'm going to plan out some ideas for it and see what happens.

And in other news, Thanksgiving is almost here! Yay! I love this holiday. I'm extraordinarily excited about Christmas, but I can smell my grandmother's ham with pineapple glaze like I'm there now. I can taste the warm cornbread dressing, and my mother's sweet potato and pecan pies. If there's a prize for eating, I think I'm going to win it this year.

Furious and Frustrated

Ultimately, this blog is a reflection of my feelings, and lately I've been in a serious funk. I know the reason why, but I haven't quite figured out how to escape where I am now. Once I do, I'll post paragraphs full of sunshine and rainbows, but I thought I should put a disclaimer out there that right now I'm furious and frustrated...

Scrabble

I've wanted to write this piece for a long time. Now, even as the black letters dance across the white background of this word processor, I'm not so sure that I can explain this with the grace that it has when the thoughts bounce around in my head, but I'll try. Everyone is not meant to be friends with everyone else. There are different strokes for different folks, and the world is just not designed for everyone to get along. That's just how it works. When I first approached this subject, I thought of certain people as puzzle pieces, they fit into several puzzles, but didn't really have a puzzle that they fit into at all - everything was more like a mirage than reality.

Let me explain some more. The puzzle piece analogy works to get my point across, but it doesn't really express what I want to say. Some people, like me, are chameleons. We get along with a lot of people, people tend to know something about us, and we are basically, friendly, cordial type people. However, sometimes, when we go to sleep at night, we wake up with tear-stained pillows, and we turn the bathroom sink on full blast as we brush our teeth to drown out the sound of our tears. We don't want to hear those tears, we don't want to see them, we don't want to feel their warmth as they roll slowly down our cheeks, reminding us that we may not have a place in social society. It would be easy for me to say we don't have a place in this world, but we do. We are the busy ones, the calm, relaxed mediators, the problem solvers, or maybe some of us just don't do shit. But when we lay our heads down at night, until the time when are teeth are sparkling clean in the morning, we realize that we have countless associates, maybe even a few friends, but who really can we call our aces?

I thought again and I realized the analogy that fit better with this situation was Scrabble. Everyone in this world is a letter. And you can group letters together to form words, just like you can group people together to form friendships or other relationships. But in every scrabble game, there are blank tiles. Special tiles that can be anything you want them to be. And have you ever noticed how those tiles can be really important when you want to make a word, but they don't carry any point value on the board? Peculiar. They can fit with any word, which makes them unique, but they have no real identity of their own, which makes them...I don't know. I don't know what those blank tiles are, but sometimes I feel blank. I feel like no one really knows who I am, no one really cares what I am feeling, but everyone cares about me. About me. Everyone knows about me, no one knows me. And then again, maybe I'm just talking about nothing. Maybe this isn't even worth a post. But just in case there is someone out there who feels blank sometimes too, just know, you are not alone. You are special, unique, and you are just like me, so hey, maybe we can group together.

Wifey Material

"All married women are not wives."

Boy, did he mess up. I had already suspected the exact words that came out of his mouth in a druken slur. "See her? All that fly shit that you try on other girls won't work with her. Unh-unh. You either wife her, or leave her alone. But you wanna know what's fucked up? Niggas like us ain't ready for no wife!" Had truer words ever been spoken? Okay, most likely yes, but to hear them from such a clear (ok, druken but clear) perspective, the perspective of the male species was rare and exciting and depressing as fuck! So yes, I've been labeled wifey material. And you want to know what? I had this epiphany last Monday! Talk about a coincidence...or not. The problem with all of this is, and as my druken gentlemen friend more strongly put it, young men are not looking for wives. And I'm not looking for a husband, but I've been blackballed from the dating community because I'm too good?? Wait, I'm a little confused here.

I would appreciate an explanation if anyone happens to have one, becase why should girls who are wifey material be punished for being who they are? As I walked by somewhere, another man loudly suggested that 98% of women are no good. So, according to his calculations, what about the 2% of us who are doing our best? Are we doomed to live in solitude until a so-called, and I do mean so-called Prince Charming decides he's done sowing his royal oats and wants to grace us with a ring? I think not. But maybe what I think doesn't matter, because like Jasmine, I'm a princess who's supposed to mary a prince. Unlike her, I haven't had many suitors come to call. You can't accept what no one is offering, so I guess you have to accept the lonely but blessed, but crazy situation of being worthy of marriage.

Wifey material is something rare. I hope I am what I've been labeled, a good woman, but if I am, then where's my good man?

Freeflow 3

{DD} officially has 100 visitors! Thank you to everyone who has stopped by the page to take in some of what I put here. I appreciate the love. ♥

Ironically enough, it would be on this slightly momentus occasion that I'd have writer's block. I wanted to tap these keys and create something noteworthy, but I can't, because I'm not in the mood, and you can't force these things. The mood I'm in now is a kind of fuck-the-world-and-everything-in-it type feeling, but I can't quite feel that all the way, because I'm too blessed to curse the world that my God created, so I kind of feel like I can't have any feelings, otherwise I might explode, so I guess my mood is indifferent. I'm just in one of those periods where something bad happens, then something else bad happens, and it all snowballs into a big pile of BS that is chasing you like the big ball that was chasing after Indiana Jones. Family and friends trippin', finances looking bleak, and I don't even feel like partying to melt my cares away. And to top it all off, love is stinging me hard, like a bee on crack. I'm just getting it from all sides. But the good news is, the present will soon be the past, and every breath I breathe is hope for something new.

Until a better mood, thanks for visiting Delicious Diary.

P.A.S.T.

"There is only one real tragedy in a woman's life. The fact that her past is always her lover, and her future invariably her husband."

P.A.S.T. = Putting Away Special Times

The future is unknown, it is mysterious and unpredictable. The present is mediocre. It might be great, but it will never be all that because it is not the past. The past is romantic. It is full of nostalgia and wonderful memories. We can re-write the past, focus on the best parts of a memory, and no matter what we're doing, we can always go back to the past. The past will be special, because we can control the past. We can get lost in it, chose not to remember it, or use it to fuel our future.

In relationships, women attach emotions to a lot of things. We're a very nostalgic people, which explains why the past is our lover. The future is our husband because we don't know what he looks like, we don't know when he will come, but we know that inevitably, we will end up with him. Take Stephen. We don't have much history together, but my friends and I have hyped up our few moments together to the fullest. I put myself out there for him, and when he didn't respond, I buried him with the things I didn't want to rememeber. I chose, instead, to focus on those few hyped-up moments. When I see him now, I try to remember the bad things so that I won't feel for him, but the good memories just make me feel so romantic that I get caught up in the same trap every time. Evidently I like that trap. That trap is safe, and warm, and I get 3 squares a day. It's like jail - you know you're being punished, but after awhile it starts looking like a good thing. You find the positives.

I also use the past to help me create my future. The good memories will keep me company when I'm lonely, and the bad ones will remind me that being alone is better than being abused. I wonder what he remembers of us. I wonder what memories men take with them on their journey. Because invariably, for men, the present is their wife, but the future is their seductive mistress, leading them on.

Catalyst

She's a catalyst. By definition, she is the person that makes a reaction occur, but in the process of that reaction, she is unchanged. She doesn't get to be a part of the sizzle, smoke, boom! bam! of the experiment, she just gets to do the work. She makes things happen. Always has, always will. But she wants to be a part, she wants to be the smoke, or the sizzle, not the catalyst...but that is what she is. After the reaction, she is removed from one experiment and used in the next one. It's her duty, and she cannot slack off on her responsibilities. No one cares about the catalyst, they are mesmerized my the sights and sounds that she has produced, but no one takes time to notice her. She tires of her job sometimes, actually, a lot of times, but she accepts her place. She is a go-getter, she makes moves and moves people. And it's not all bad. Sometimes the reactions bring her joy. But when they don't, she wishes someone would see her, feel her feelings, know what it's like. But alas, she is enveloped in smoke and the sound of the sizzle drowns out the voice that she makes hoarse trying to be heard. She is who she is, it won't change. She is a catalyst, and she's not allowed to react.

Sexually Silent

"Let's talk about sex baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that could be. Let's talk about sex, Let's talk about sex."

Men are encouraged to be sexual. It's a part of the passage into manhood. Women however, better be able to wear white at their wedding, or they get whispered about as they walk down the aisle. But here's the question: If all these young men are having sex, who are they doing it with? Girls, silly. Girls who can't express themselves sexually because they will be labeled as promiscuous. Girls who are afraid to tell their friends what's going on, but if they actually talked to each other they might find out they're all going through the same thing. Guys are so surprised when they find a girl who is willing to talk about sex, but it's a conversation that needs to be had. You don't get anywhere with secrets and silence. And besides, whatever you thought was secret definitely got talked about, just not with you.

I think men and women should be able to have open, honest conversations about sex. It might alleviate a lot of pressure, help build reasonable expectations, and it would help dissolve some of the male-female double standard stereotypes that exist. And honestly, we should all be exploring this with our partners. Be inventive, creative, passionate, sensual, in love, whatever, but most of all...BE INFORMED. A little knowledge can go a long way. Whether it's in the way of contraceptives, new things to try, family planning (don't look stunned, be prepared!) or talking just to be talking, it helps.

Women need to talk about what pleases them, because brotha is gonna get his and he'll be happy regardless. Men need to do the same, because a little spice might make the relationship last longer. Talk to your woman before you decide to move on to the next. Teach each other. You learn something new everyday, so it might as well be something useful!
Talk about sex!

My President is Black!

...my lambo is blue, and I'll be got damn if my rims ain't too!!

So, it's time for me to address the epic win from last night. The 44th President of the U.S. is none other than (drumroll please) Barack Obama! I don't think black people have ever been so proud, so energized, so excited!! I don't even have the heart right now to address all the negativity, and I have many thoughts about Obama, but these things are soon to come. Right now, all I want to say is CONGRATULATIONS BARACK OBAMA!!

Fly like a butterfly, Sting like a bee

"He broke my heart...yes I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned."

No one should be bitter about love. Everything happens for a reason, and if nothing else, every adventure in love is a lesson learned. Whether it turns out well or not, you learned something valuable that you can take on the next journey. The funny thing is, we're all learning the same lessons at different paces, with different people.

In this lesson, he smashed my heart. He didn't break it. He couldn't break it because I didn't fully give it to him, but he squeezed it so hard that tears almost came out. He stomped on my pride, slapped the shit out of my feelings, and I'm glad. Thank you sir. Because fighters, they have to learn how to jab and uppercut, and hit hard, but equally important is how they practice ducking, blocking, and taking punches. I was upset, but not for long, because how can you be mad at someone who volunteers to make you a better person? Next time, I'll move a little quicker, duck a little lower, and if i get hit, it's not so bad, because I've been hit before.

Fighting hurts. You walk away with bruises, cuts, all banged up and throbbing, but think about the glory when you win the fight. The whole crowd cheering for you, the referee holding your arm high, the feel of the cool metal on your championship belt against your hot skin...it's all worth it. So thank you sir. Thank you for the training session, I'm one step closer to being Ali.

I'm the greatest!

Love is...

Okay, in my last couple of posts, readers could say I contradict myself. I say niggas ain't shit, but tell women to take responsibility. I note that girls just wanna have fun, but I say that I need to stay focused on my purpose. Well let me tell you doubtful readers something - Love is a contradiction. It's nonsense. It makes ultimate sense. It's like, dislike, happy, sad, mad, taste, touch, smell, sight...it is everything. It's constant change, but it always stays the same. Sound like a contradiction? I thought so.

True Story

Dedicated to Just Blaze

"And the truth shall set you free..."

He told her everything in the beginning. He had never done that before, but he laid it all out on the table, all the nasty, dirty, wonderful, beautiful secrets of his past. He knew all of it wasn't great, but he liked this girl, and for her, he bared his soul. He wanted her to know the past because in the future, he only wanted to move forward. And he wanted to do it with her. The result? She was suspiscious of him! She watched his every move, looking for signs of infidelity. In the beginning, rightfully so, but he eventually proved himself to her over and over again. Over time, she continued to nag him, and even though he opened himself to her in order to build trust, she couldn't handle it, and the trust between them was fragmented. Can you have a relationship without trust? No. Can you do it without full trust? Not for long. Soon he tired of her accusations, her unsupported suspiscions, and he quit. She was confused. She had all the evidence, but no proof! Even after they split, he took care of her. She found herself in a dangerous situation, and he rescued her. Did he still care? Of course he did, but he couldn't be with her, when her heart was with him, but her mind was with his past. He quit.

Are we women so jaded now that we can't recognize a good man when we see one? I know I said niggas ain't shit, but I also said real men are THE shit. Do we not know the difference? Ladies, I feel like sometimes we take the pepsi challenge and choose Jif. We need to take responsibility and give credit where credit is due. In the story above, this man allowed himself to be judged by his woman. She, as the judge, considered all the evidence and found him guilty, but he had committed no crime. Ladies, this is my plea to you...if you have a good one, take care of him! There are so few out there, or if they're out there, they're in the deepest corners of diamond mines. But here's the thing about that...the most beautiful diamonds are found in the deepest, darkest, dirtiest corners of the mine.

Ladies, if you have a diamond, allow him to shine. Know where he came from, but know where he's going. Don't reach a verdict too soon. Take the above as a cautionary tale. It's a true story.

P.S. And what about him? Is he doomed to be loveless because his woman couldn't appreciate his honesty? No, because there are too many others who will see him for what he is. Love is crazy like that, it's almost like we're meant NOT to have the ones we want just because it would make us happy. So pause. If you love her, then it's worth another try. Make her see, make her know that you are her Adam, her Prince Charming, her Quincy McCall. And if she still doesn't get it, then she doesn't deserve you. I know, it's fucked up, because you probably deserve her, and much more, but time will reveal a love that is true. If that love is with her, wonderful! If not, it's not the end of the world, just the end of this chapter in your life. It's easier said than done once you've put in time with a person, but don't let someone else's mistakes ruin you for the next woman. You too, need to realize that you are a commodity.

Rollercoaster Ride

Okay ladies and gents. I know it was a long commercial break, but I'm back now. If you haven't figured it out from my previous posts, I'm a person with a lot of passion, and I think it's time to focus that passion and be productive. I always say I'm going to do it, but this time I feel like I really am. This one's for the fam.

So tonight's topic: Why do we always want the opposite of what we have? And furthermore, why do we want the ones who don't want us? First off, as usual, I'm going to apply this to relationships. I always thought I wanted a man to pay me attention, to call and text me and want me to spend time with him, and I got a small glimpse of it, and didn't want it. Damn. And I say damn because I know if it was a nigga who didn't want me, a nigga I had to chase, I'd be ecstatic. So what's wrong with me? Do I have to feel an electric spark for me to have feelings at all? Why do I keep trying to catch the roadrunner if I know that I'll be the one hurt in the end? Why do I keep eating popeye's if I know it's going to clog my arteries sooner or later? And why do I climb up steep ass hills, when I can just walk the plateaus? Why do I live a thug life when I know I'm saved? I'll tell you why - it's the thrill of the chase, the taste of the meal, and the glory I feel when I reach the top of the hill, it's the rush I feel as I live each day as a thug. That's why. Don't feel bad about wanting what you don't have, because that's what drive is all about. You see something you want, and you go get it. When you've reached that goal, you find a new one. Same as in relationships. Now ultimately, everyone is looking for a lifelong mate, but this time in life is not the time to start that search. Enjoy the chase. A word to the fam - there are ups and downs and loops on rollercoasters, but if it was a straight ride, if there was no thrill, would we ride them?? You have to go down to get up, and vice versa. Enjoy the ride.

Commercial Break

Ok, I'm not leaving y'all hangin, I just need some time to get my thoughts together. Be back soon.

Mojo (jo-jo)

"Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another or transferred from one body to another, but the total amount of energy remains constant."

That's what feelings are about. Transfer of energy. It moves from one person to the next, it moves from one type to the next, it just moves. You know how you talk to someone sad and it makes you sad? Or if you hear someone laughing really hard at something and you just start laughing even though you don't know what about? All transfers.

This is especially true in intimate stiuations, whether it be friends or spouses, or somewhere in between, couples are always switching energies. You meet a person and you have that nervous energy that gives you butterflies, you find out they like you too and you both share that electric energy that's so exciting. You get that smooth comfortable energy where you like being around each other, sometimes you get that fierce jealous energy, you get exhaustion using energy trying to switch power dynamics in the relationship, you waste energy worrying about that other person or trying to make them feel what you feel. It's an interesting concept.

And since energy is not created nor destroyed it is inevitable that someone somewhere will always be happy, and someone somewhere else will be sad at the same time. Right now I'm trying to channel some creative energy because I feel negative energy in some of my relationships, and I need to flip the script on those, or I'll have to flip the switch and cut the power flow that's keeping the energy going.

Whatever your mojo is, don't let anybody flip it on you too long. Oh, it's going to get flipped, 'cause that's just the way life works, but find a way to turn it right back around. Me, I'm mostly a happy person. My smile could short circuit Las Vegas, and I TRY to be mostly optimistic. Today, I got flipped more times than necessary. But it doesn't stop here. I consider this fun. A challenge. And I'm in it to win it.

More on this subject later...

Rose Colored Glasses

"What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly."

In other words, there is serious power in perception, and this works in many ways. For one, some people believe in luck, and others believe in blessings. Some view bad luck as karma coming back to bite you in the ass. And it really is true that one man's trash is another man's treasure.

So how does this apply to this entry? I'm writing this one for those who feel a little discouraged right now. Think about how you are looking at your situation, and put a spin on it. Consider it chess, and take another look at the pieces on the board. Most likely you'll see a move that you didn't see before. And make your next move your best move. Rose colored glasses can be a great thing depending on what you see through them.

Now how does this apply to LadyLove? Interesting you would ask. Like I said, this concept works in many ways, for instance, you could've lost $10 today, but wherever you left it, you made someone's day when they found it. Likewise, I feel like that ten dollar bill. Some people take me for granted, feel that I'm "old faithful", and have the nerve to try to pull the wool over my eyes. I laugh at those people because I'm smarter than I let on. On the other hand, some people consider me a commodity, a treasure, and they respect me a whole lot. This has happened in social situations, friendships, the workplace, etc. It's just life. How people perceive you will dictate how they act towards you.

Now the juice? Ok, let's get it. I like John, and I made that clear. He took that knowledge and categorized me as someone he had power over. Big mistake. But in some ways, it was true. I allowed him to {key word allowed} get big headed because I paid him too much attention, knowing that he already thought he was God's gift to women. I perceived him to be mature enought to handle the truth, but he wasn't. Ha. On the flipside, Oliver would kiss the ground I walk on. He calls me "wifey material", and he is not trying to be with me, because we are not a match, but he always tells me that if we were, he would snap me up in a minute. Giggle.

So why doesn't John see what Oliver does? What prompts perception? For instance, why do certain people tense up when they see a black man walking down the street like he's automatically a criminal? Why am I a peasant by some standards, but to others I'm a queen? It's not so much that I wonder why, but why it's one way for certain people and another way for others. The world may never know. The one good thing about it all is that you can change YOUR perception. You most definitely can believe whatever you want to. And though that can be sticky in some ways, in my book it's a plus...if I knew how to do it. For some reason I would rather mope about John's perception rather than bask in Oliver's. One day I'll learn.

Til then, I feel like a caterpillar that can no longer crawl. One day I'll realize I can fly.

Freeflow 2

Disclaimer: This is an honest freeflow because I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in this head of mine, but they aren't quite organized. Forgive me for the jumbled space below, but that's what freeflow entries are for...

Okay, world. I had to take a little hiatus, because like it says in the previous post, I had to get back on track with my purpose. Well, I'm back, and so much has happened that it's going to take several new entries to work this out. First of all, I've decided not to asterisk-censor my profanity anymore. Some say people use profanity because they don't know how to express themselves. To that I say, bullshit. Now fellas, I realize this entry is going to turn you completely off in the next line, but realize that I'm an open-minded person, and be patient with me. Read until the end.

Niggas ain't shit.

That being said, I'm not one of those hands-on-your-hip, neck rolling, independent-to-prove-a-point, feminist-til-i-die (alone) type women. But for the purposes of this composition, I must take on some of that point of view. Remember not too long ago when I asked if cupid was complacent? Well, I don't think so. I think he's just hanging out with the wrong crowd right now. A lot of drama unfolded this weekend, and all of the events brought me to the same conclusion. Niggas ain't shit. But why? I can't just make a claim and not back it up with substantial evidence, so here we go.

WHY CHEAT??? If you're not getting what you want out of the relationship, let her know! Give her a chance to fix it, and if it still doesn't work out, then leave! Don't hang around stringing people along. It's going to be painful on some level, so make it clean, quick rather than making both of you suffer slowly.

WHY LIE??? You got caught, so give it up! At least have the honesty to tell the girl the truth. And don't spit that bullshit about you don't want to hurt her, because no matter what you do, you already did. Lying is an insult to me. It's basically saying: "You're too stupid to know the truth, so I can just sell you a wolf ticket, and you'll take it. Not to mention, you believe everything I say anyway." BULLshit. In my eyes, under the rarest of circumstances, cheating could possibly, maybe, almost be forgiven. But lying...that's a crime that I hope you drop the soap for.

WHY STEAL??? Would you steal merchandise just for the hell of it? Ok, those of you who answered no, why would you steal a girl's time? That's something she can never get back, so if you ain't about shit and she is, then let her know what's up. If she chooses to stay, fine. If she chooses to leave, respect that, but let her make an informed decision. Like Lil Wayne says, "informate" the girl.

Now, fellas, I know you all huffing and puffing by now, but tell me that you, or someone you know, does not enagage in the aforementioned activities? Wait, stop trying to argue for a second...just think about it. Right. That's what I thought. I'm not saying females are perfect, because we are NOT, by any means, but damn, give us some more credit. Granted, now is not the time to be on love lockdown, but certain principles of respect still apply here. Each one of the above paragraphs is a way to disrespect your woman, piss her off to the highest of pisstivity, and most likely lose her. Not to mention, you mess it up for the next brotha 'cause women do know how to hold a grudge. Ask R. Kelly. (when a woman's fed up) Pay attention to my disclaimer, because this is just how I'm feeling at this particular moment. Tomorrow I might think niggas are the greatest, although I doubt it, because niggas ain't shit. Real men are. But that's a whole 'nother subject. And I'm not saying this applies to all men, but if you felt a little defensive just now, then I'm probably talking to you.

Hell, I don't know, I could just be feeling for some of my closest girls who got dogged out this weekend. Let me know, but until someone convinces me otherwise...

...Niggas ain't shit.

Procrastinating on my Purpose

"To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity."

There is not one purpose that a person has in life. We all have several purposes, and often they are intertwined with each other. I am writing this entry because for a short period of time, I lost sight of my current purpose. I'm not in the dark, I know what it is, which makes it all the more disturbing that I lost sight of it. I'm back on track now, but only after 2 very distressed phone calls, a few tears of anguish, and some serious self-motivation. I expected the people I talked to to give me a boost, but they seemed to do the exact opposite. I don't know if they were using reverse psychology or if they were serious, but whatever it was, it worked.

I said all this to say, it's ok to lose sight of your purpose sometimes. You just have to rub your eyes, clear your vision, and get back on track. I don't know what the consequences of my short blind moment will be yet, but I am ready and willing to deal with them. It all falls in with being an adult: you stroll along living life, and every now and then you fuck up. Don't stop, don't cry, don't lose your vision. Just take responsibility, figure out how to fix it, and get it done. Now that's much easier said than done, but it's a process we will all endure several times in our lives. Don't procrastinate on your purpose.

Hold Me?

"Us was nice and warm, no jacket, no umbrella, just warm."

A boy hugged me today. He didn't even really mean to, he was trying to keep me away from something, but as his strong, beautiful brown arms wrapped around me, as lightly as they did, I realized I miss that. I haven't felt it in years...years...years?...years! I thought back to the last time that I was warm in a man's arms, and I missed that feeling. There's something about that electric embrace that makes me feel loved, even if it isn't true. I feel protected, all my thoughts are clear and one feeling is solid - happiness. Wherever I am, it doesn't matter because where I really am is inside the shelter of two big, strong, beautiful brown arms. Why doesn't anybody hug me like that anymore?

And did you know that a kiss is actually more intimate than sex? There is a language of passion that only the lips and the tongue know how to speak correctly. For those of you who are shallow, let me say now, no, I am not a "freak", but when I love, I love with all of me, mentally, physically, and emotionally, so I know what is most important in each of those realms. And the real reason that an embrace is so special is because of the feeling behind it. It doesn't necessarily mean love, but it is something shared between two souls, even for a glimpse, that is manifested while they intertwine arms.

Never been Normal

What is normal? If you act a certain way and everyone just accepts it as usual behavior? If that's the case, then I've NEVER been normal. I like the people who are different. The ones that make me smile, wear goggles when they're not in science lab, worry about their hair sticking up but have holes in their pants, and the ones who live inside bubbles. I don't think I've ever met a normal person, but if I did, I think I'd be leery of them. I love who I am. Sometimes I feel weird. I feel different than everyone else, and it doesn't feel like such a good thing. Other times I feel as though my being different makes me shine brighter than any other bulb in the box. Sometimes I doubt myself, and wonder how other people will view me, but then I get some of that "fuck it" in my system and everything's good again. I know that no matter how much people say they don't care what other people think, somewhere in life they cared. And you know what? That's totally fine. That's what life is about. We're all here to interact with each other, and that's what makes the world spin.

Why aren't I normal? Because I'm a chameleon, always changing, always evolving, adapting quickly to my surroundings. The only thing that stays the same is me. Make sense? I didn't think so. What I mean is, I'll always be a chameleon, it's my colors that change. At my most comfortable, I am the creole color of my father. At my most loving, the deep chocolate of my mother. At my silliest, the creamy caramel of my sister. And sometimes I'm just me, just mocha. I am not only variations of brown, I can be others colors too, rich dark shades, and beautiful bright ones. Some will say I am a sellout for changing the way I do. I disagree. I think you have to be able to adapt, it's how we survive. The ones who are stagnant are impeding progress, if you ask me. It's the weird ones, the ones who color a little outside of the lines that make everything special.

Think about it. Are you normal? If so, what makes you that way? 'Cause whatever it is, you probably need to get rid of it. :)

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

So, as this is an expression of myself, everything here will not be profound, as I am not profound 24/7. For instance, tonight I am going out with 2 of my very best friends to get unbelievably and unequivocally inebriated. Not something I usually do, but it's a celebration! Besides, girls just wanna have fun!!!!

For My Gent

I told you you can't know where this blog is, but if by chance you find it one day, I'm writing this entry for you. I appreciate you being honest with me tonight, and I hope once you get yourself straight, we can enjoy each other's company for real. Even though you don't argue like I want you to anymore, you still amaze me sometimes. Your percentage found a boost today, and I hope you keep it there.

-Your Bestest Friend

P.S. The day you find this is the day we'll have a conversation about us dancing. Ask me about it.

Spectacularly Stupid

I need to write this down. I need to write this down so I'll remember it. I feel spectacularly stupid right now. But I'm smart, because I realized something. I persevere at a lot of things, I'm driven, determined, and unstoppable. These characteristics do not apply with like/love. I'm a girl, I shouldn't have to be the aggressor. And when I am, because you're to lame to do it, but I really like you, so I do it, I shouldn't have to feel stupid for it. Or maybe I should. Maybe I should feel spectacularly stupid so I'll never do it again. File this one away under L for lessons learned.

On reciprocation...

Wow.

I think I give up.

Freeflow

Sometimes I just write. The words flow free like feelings. Express them and get on with life.

I think our timing was off. Or maybe it was never meant to be, and I just read too much into it. On the day he introduced himself to me, I didn’t pay much attention. When he received recognition from everyone else, I noticed, but didn’t care much. So I really can’t remember how we got to this place. I do remember him approaching me first, to compliment me in the weirdest way…and I’ve been paying for that compliment ever since. I like him. I like him a lot. It was better when I didn’t care, but now I do, and I can’t help it. I want to tell him the truth, but that’s a mission impossible, because he’ll abuse my honesty. He already abuses my attention. He has a girl already. A girl that he’s had for a long time. Even if she wasn’t there, I’d still be a treasure he doesn’t have the map to. I’m irritated with him, because he came so close and failed so epically. Make me want you, make me miss you, make me wonder where you are, then forget you. I know he doesn’t think about me as often as I do him, and so I try to detach myself, make the feelings go away, but they only intensify. And every now and then I get to steal a special moment, but not enough to amount to anything. I want to tell him the truth, that I don’t want to play games, I just want to BE. We don’t have to be anything…I just want to be. Be near him, with him. I like him. I want the shit to go away. So I tuck those feelings away with the rest of my baggage. It’s hard to close the suitcases, they’re getting too full. I use more force, and the lock snaps. I try to walk away, content, but BOOM! The lock opens and all the like spills out again. So it’s out in the open, but it’s the elephant in the room. I ignore it, don’t talk about it. But it’s there. None of this makes sense, but then again it’s not supposed to. I try to open myself up to him, make myself exist, but not be too available. He doesn't see me. I'm the elephant in the room. I see him happy, I am happy for him. I am wondering if you can miss something you never had. I wish I never met him at all.

Has Cupid Become Complacent?

It is fitting that the night I create this blog my girlfriend would come to me with the age old question - Is it time to break up? "I think I need some time to myself," she said. "If it's meant to be, we'll get back together." Her tone almost implied that she was trying to convince herself, and I felt a tug at my heartstrings. I thought about her situation, and so many others like her, and I even considered my own disposition, and of course, a question arose. Has cupid been sleeping on the job? Has he just decided that everything is fine the way it is? If so, then we're all f***ed. Lately it just seems like all my friends, girls anyway, are stuck in the same spot, or they think they're making progress, but all they're doing is making 3 left turns. Love already screws us with its nonsensical aura and dry sense of humor, but now we're all standing still to top it all off.

I would say we're complacent, but nobody seems happy where they are, except cupid's lazy a**! Or did he get tired? Did he look down at us and say, "I'm just as tired of love as you are?" Did he not want to see males and females play our stupid games anymore? Was he tired of seeing some people in control and some being dragged around by the arrows he unceremoniously jabbed through their hearts? Or even worse, was he confused about his job duties? How do you know which two people are a match for each other? And if you make a match that doesn't work out, then how do you fix it? And isn't shooting someone with an arrow wounding them...even if it is in the name of love?

So how does all this relate to my girlfriend? She says that when she's with him, she's at her happiest, but when she's not, it's a different story. I wanted to tell her to weigh the options and go with whatever weighed heavier on the scales, but here's the thing - we're not weighing on the scales of justice, we're weighing on the scales of love, and for what it's worth, we might as well be weighing this s*** on the moon. So I guess until cupid decides to get over whatever is ailing him, we're all just standing in the same spot, digging ourselves deeper into holes of comfort.

What's in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

So, it is inevitable that some will wonder why I call myself LadyLove. The answer to this one, unlike so many other questions, is simple. I am intrigued, enthralled, and consumed by thoughts of love. You will see a lot of them here, and you will see them often in my poems, if I ever choose to put them here. But my name represents a part of me that I want to express here in this space that is {DD}. It's a simple expression, but as you will see in the future, it means much. By any other name, I would still be LadyLove, but as this is the name you see, this is the name that you will come to know and understand me by.

Are you hungry?

Hello Ladies and Gents. Welcome to {Delicious Diary}. This blog is a form of self-expression from LadyLove, and I hope that reading it will leave you enlightened, confused, full, empty or somehow different than when you came. I call it {DD} because I have a lot of questions, thoughts, and feelings, some happy, some not, some different. Here, I will list those things in the form of diary entries, and I call those entries "food for thought", thus the name.

As a new blogger, and as someone who is doing this for myself more than anyone else, the only promise I can make to you is that you will see, here, LadyLove in her truest form. I will be honest - and this may not always be pretty, but it will always be real. You may see glimpses of my life here that you won't see anywhere else. For this reason, in telling stories, I will change names to protect identities, but the truth remains the same. And, I must warn you, I am human, just like you, therefore, I am allowed to make mistakes, and I most likely will, so be patient with me.

If you choose to read on, I hope my food satisfies your hunger.