Freeflow 6

It feels soooo good to be writing again. I have had a LOT on my mind and my heart, and just when I wanted to put it here, my computer crashed on me. Whoop-de-doo! I tried talking to friends about my love life, if you want to call it that, but I just ended up feeling awkward because ultimately I'm having the same conversation over, and over, and over. I keep trying to answer the question:

When is it my turn? Why can't I find someone to love me?

And even the cliches are cliche now. I know people love me, but I want a man who is in love with me as much as I am in love with him. They say be careful what you ask for, love will come to those who wait, don't look for love, it'll find you, you're the wifey type, love is patient and kind, blah, blah, blah. Love stinks like 3 day old cabbage and I can't seem to escape the kitchen.

I feel so stupid, alone, desperate, helpless, awkward, and mostly ridiculous. And I noticed that I always like a guy. Is that weird? Like I liked Evan until I told him so, and now I like Tre and I'm also interested in Greg. And what if they turn out to be the same as Evan? Really, I need to leave Tre alone, and I am, but that doesn't mean I can stop my feelings.

And I was talking to a good friend tonight, and he said, "Rejection is a part of life. You just have to keep trying until you find that right one." And I believe that, but damn, how long does it take? I'm over two decades old, and I have yet to claim a boyfriend, a serious relationship, something deeper than infatuation or like. This friend I was talking to knows Greg and he says I should make myself more available, be more aggressive, but I did that already. I hit the gas, and I drove straight into a tree, so forgive me if I'm hesitant about getting behind the wheel again.

Am I making any sense? I mean, I don't really have to, that's what freeflow posts are for, but in my head I'm the cheese who stands alone. There's gotta be a reason I've been alone this long, but honestly I don't see it. And what if there is really someone for everyone out there but one is in Russia and one is in China and they never meet? And why is there a song for every emotion you feel? And why am I still asking questions?

The truth is, I'm not asking questions anymore. I'm still trying to answer the one before.