Such a comedian...

My best friend told me recently that right when you get extra discouraged is the moment when God is laughing at you thinking, "You have no idea what I have in store for you." And the truth is, we really don't. I don't always write, so you guys don't always get an accurate depiction of my ups and downs. Usually a person needs to vent more when they're down, and the same is the case for me. Anyway, I was being a comedian for God, making him laugh, and I think he decided to just give me a small taste of my future. A small glimpse of what he could do with no effort at all.

My two biggest worries are my career and my love life. As far as my career, he made a job opportunity possible for me. And I have no idea where this opportunity might go, but the fact that I finally got a positive response after all this time gives me more hope than you know.

As far as my love life, today I found out that a young man who I always thought to be of value has been harboring a crush for me. As of this particular moment, forces and circumstances beyond both of our control prevent us from exploring this attraction any further, but it was nice to know. When a man you value values you, it doesn't define your worth, but I like to think it is like a small turbo boost to your self-esteem. He told me one day I would make a man very happy. I replied, "More than you know."

And just like that, in a dark, damp dungeon of despair, sunlight shone through, and I shouldve known all along. God is in control of my life. Always has been, always will be. I'm sorry to have been discouraged, because I have not lost faith in him at all, but if it's like my friend says, at least he got a chuckle out of it.

Coitus...

...means sex. And while we're on the subject, what ever happened to subtlety? Our generation just puts it all out there. No censors, no nothing. And I'm not saying you have to censor anything, but damn, is anything left to the imagination these days? What happened to words like pearl and rain and love gun? Lol @ love gun. But really, I think leaving something to be desired is sexy. Slip the coitus in there, don't just blow it up. Because trust me, the longer it takes a volcano to erupt, the more pressure is built up, the more exciting and crucial that explosion will be. Trust me.

...but you can't make him drink

Ok, long story short, met a guy, he asked for the #, so I gave it; texted guy for a couple days, invited guy to a movie (yes, I did the inviting). Guy responds that I seem really nice, but he's involved with someone else. WHAT?! GTFOH! What did you ask for my number for then? Lol, guys amuse me. I tell guy that I was really looking more for new friends. He feels bad, backs up and says maybe we can hang out sometime. Ok dude. End of story.

I'm not trippin on it, everybody ain't for everybody, but why would you even take my number if you didn't want to "lead me on"? And lead me on to where? I would have gotten to know you either way -- friends or something more, so what made this man assume that I wanted him in that way? Lol, I can't lie, he had potential, though. (Hey, just being real!)

So it's back to the drawing board, and I must admit, it makes me a little sad, and just when in the last post I try to commit to being patient, in this one, I'm driving up to my favorite thinking spot, playing Alicia Keys and trying not to spill over the fact that no one loves me. Ok, that's not right. I have people who love me, thank God, but no one is in love with me.

And then, it's not so bad, and I wanna enjoy the single life, and fuck love and pudding pops and all that. Sheesh! I can't even decide how I want to feel. One thing I do know is, no one, unless I give them permission, can lead me anywhere. And when the right man comes along to lead me to wherever we're going, I'll follow like the queen that I am, behind the king that he is.

"Lead me on." Boy, please.

Apple Pie

I'm trying hard to think about baseball as I head to the front of the class, but even that turns sideways as I think about hitting a home run with you. Whew! At least I don't have to hold a binder in front of myself, lol. But no, really...imagination is dangerous! And my iPod really isn't helping...so I decided to write.

I haven't written in awhile, and I have updates. Hey, I never said I'd be consistent! I said I'd be honest. And the honest truth is, this is new to me. Male attention? Yep. New altogether, but I kind of like it. Not all attention is good attention, mind you, but I feel like I'm making progress towards where I'm supposed to be. I usually bloom late, but best believe I will be the most beautiful flower in the bunch. Sidenote though: A hard lesson has been learned - don't give your number to everyone. I thought hey, I can just ignore the call/text, because I'm not really interested, but I want to be polite. NOT. I feel like Beyonce's whole verse in "Telephone"! Stop calling me! Haha! Isn't this a stark contrast to posts a year ago? Yes and no.

I still haven't found anyone that I share a mutual going-somwhere attraction with. I'm not as obsessed with it either. Although I lay in this bed and I can almost smell his cologne, feel his arms wrapped around my waist, feel the warmth of his breath on the back of my neck, I know he's not ready to be here. If he was, he would be. Or maybe I'm not ready for him to be here. Whatever the reason, he's not here. Yet.

So, nights like this, when my imagination is running completely amok, I try to think of uh, baseball. And I'll try not to make it relate to apple pie.