Headboard Confessional (get it?)

So, I promised you, (but more myself) that in this space I would always be real. Well ladies and gents, it's about to get real real up in here.

I have to wonder whether my motivation to create this blog was just so that I could rant about this one guy who I am infatuated with, but I know that's not true. I began this blog to explore matters of the heart, some matters of the mind, and all matters of love.

So here's the deal: I write about him all the time in this space. And I realized, if this were four years ago, someone else would definitely be the object of my attention, but it's not four years ago, it's now, and it's him. He is a walking billboard for assholes. But he makes me smile, challenges me, and intrigues me, and that's only in the few moments that I see him every now and then. I messed up royally. And now I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know if I'll get that chance.

And I have to wonder if subconsciously I messed it up on purpose to get myself out of a revolving door type situation with this man. But that's giving my subconscious a helluva lot of credit. I think maybe I just messed up. So what do I do now? How will he act, react, when he sees me?

I'm actually, honest-to-Moses embarrassed. I'm not mad, sad, feeling like a fool, or any of that. I'm just embarrassed. And part of that is because I don't know what to do next. I'm sorry love, but this may be the end.

I think I killed it...and theres not a got-damn-fucking-thing anyone can do about it. Only time will reveal the true damage I've done. Or maybe this is a good thing. Like I said, only time will tell, and as time is still moving, I should know something soon.