So, in honor of V-Day, for the next 14 days, a haiku a day, about whatever I feel about love that day. And so it begins...
I liked him so well
MY true feelings were spoken
Where do we go now?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Done. and done.
I did it. Knew I would. and yes, i bite-sized punked out and beat around the bush a bit, and it turned out really cheesy, but it's over. And for the first time, I don't know how I feel about something. If I'm mad, sad, or happy, I know how to deal with that, but this indifference, this is something new. I even know why I don't feel anything...he didn't give me anything to go off of...no acceptance, no rejection, no nothing. And it doesn't seem like it'll be weird, so I hope it won't. Which is something, because I really just stuck it out there...ha! (it really is kind of funny now) He could tell anybody, he could treat me differently, but i dunno...
I really feel weirder than ever now because I don't feel anything. I tried to smile, but it didn't work, I tried to cry, but it didn't feel right. I even tried to doubt whether I should've done it, and for a moment, that felt right, but then nothing.
So it's done. and done.
I really feel weirder than ever now because I don't feel anything. I tried to smile, but it didn't work, I tried to cry, but it didn't feel right. I even tried to doubt whether I should've done it, and for a moment, that felt right, but then nothing.
So it's done. and done.
Alone
"Can we taaaaaaalk for a minute? Girrrl I want to knoooow your naaaaame."
-Tevin Campbell
Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny) The very next time I see/talk/text him, I'm going to tell him the truth. Lay it all on the line. Which is why he should try not to be alone. I need to tell him while he's alone, because people just complicate things, you know, too many cooks spoil the broth. Also, people are messy, and I don't want any proof that I did this. (although I won't deny it)
I plan to say:
My dad always told me to be straight up with guys, and I haven't been straight up with you at all, and just like he told me it would, it caused me problems. Look, I like you. I don't know why, well, yeah, I know why, but I mean I don't know how to get it to go away, and I know you probably already suspected it, seeing as I've done everything but throw myself across railroad tracks for you, which is totally shameful, and I don't think I've ever acted like this before, which is why I need to tell you this now. If I tell you this now, maybe I'll feel better about all of it, and I can stop being so retarded...either that or I'll be too shamed to ever speak to you again, but either way I need some peace. So there it is. I like you. Like and that's it, but that's something.
I have no idea what he'll say after that. I don't even know if he'll let me make it through my whole little monologue, but it's worth a try. Then, ironically enough, I'll be alone. Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny)
-Tevin Campbell
Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny) The very next time I see/talk/text him, I'm going to tell him the truth. Lay it all on the line. Which is why he should try not to be alone. I need to tell him while he's alone, because people just complicate things, you know, too many cooks spoil the broth. Also, people are messy, and I don't want any proof that I did this. (although I won't deny it)
I plan to say:
My dad always told me to be straight up with guys, and I haven't been straight up with you at all, and just like he told me it would, it caused me problems. Look, I like you. I don't know why, well, yeah, I know why, but I mean I don't know how to get it to go away, and I know you probably already suspected it, seeing as I've done everything but throw myself across railroad tracks for you, which is totally shameful, and I don't think I've ever acted like this before, which is why I need to tell you this now. If I tell you this now, maybe I'll feel better about all of it, and I can stop being so retarded...either that or I'll be too shamed to ever speak to you again, but either way I need some peace. So there it is. I like you. Like and that's it, but that's something.
I have no idea what he'll say after that. I don't even know if he'll let me make it through my whole little monologue, but it's worth a try. Then, ironically enough, I'll be alone. Ha ha. (nervous laughter because it's really not funny)
Headboard Confessional (get it?)
So, I promised you, (but more myself) that in this space I would always be real. Well ladies and gents, it's about to get real real up in here.
I have to wonder whether my motivation to create this blog was just so that I could rant about this one guy who I am infatuated with, but I know that's not true. I began this blog to explore matters of the heart, some matters of the mind, and all matters of love.
So here's the deal: I write about him all the time in this space. And I realized, if this were four years ago, someone else would definitely be the object of my attention, but it's not four years ago, it's now, and it's him. He is a walking billboard for assholes. But he makes me smile, challenges me, and intrigues me, and that's only in the few moments that I see him every now and then. I messed up royally. And now I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know if I'll get that chance.
And I have to wonder if subconsciously I messed it up on purpose to get myself out of a revolving door type situation with this man. But that's giving my subconscious a helluva lot of credit. I think maybe I just messed up. So what do I do now? How will he act, react, when he sees me?
I'm actually, honest-to-Moses embarrassed. I'm not mad, sad, feeling like a fool, or any of that. I'm just embarrassed. And part of that is because I don't know what to do next. I'm sorry love, but this may be the end.
I think I killed it...and theres not a got-damn-fucking-thing anyone can do about it. Only time will reveal the true damage I've done. Or maybe this is a good thing. Like I said, only time will tell, and as time is still moving, I should know something soon.
I have to wonder whether my motivation to create this blog was just so that I could rant about this one guy who I am infatuated with, but I know that's not true. I began this blog to explore matters of the heart, some matters of the mind, and all matters of love.
So here's the deal: I write about him all the time in this space. And I realized, if this were four years ago, someone else would definitely be the object of my attention, but it's not four years ago, it's now, and it's him. He is a walking billboard for assholes. But he makes me smile, challenges me, and intrigues me, and that's only in the few moments that I see him every now and then. I messed up royally. And now I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know if I'll get that chance.
And I have to wonder if subconsciously I messed it up on purpose to get myself out of a revolving door type situation with this man. But that's giving my subconscious a helluva lot of credit. I think maybe I just messed up. So what do I do now? How will he act, react, when he sees me?
I'm actually, honest-to-Moses embarrassed. I'm not mad, sad, feeling like a fool, or any of that. I'm just embarrassed. And part of that is because I don't know what to do next. I'm sorry love, but this may be the end.
I think I killed it...and theres not a got-damn-fucking-thing anyone can do about it. Only time will reveal the true damage I've done. Or maybe this is a good thing. Like I said, only time will tell, and as time is still moving, I should know something soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
