"He broke my heart...yes I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned."
No one should be bitter about love. Everything happens for a reason, and if nothing else, every adventure in love is a lesson learned. Whether it turns out well or not, you learned something valuable that you can take on the next journey. The funny thing is, we're all learning the same lessons at different paces, with different people.
In this lesson, he smashed my heart. He didn't break it. He couldn't break it because I didn't fully give it to him, but he squeezed it so hard that tears almost came out. He stomped on my pride, slapped the shit out of my feelings, and I'm glad. Thank you sir. Because fighters, they have to learn how to jab and uppercut, and hit hard, but equally important is how they practice ducking, blocking, and taking punches. I was upset, but not for long, because how can you be mad at someone who volunteers to make you a better person? Next time, I'll move a little quicker, duck a little lower, and if i get hit, it's not so bad, because I've been hit before.
Fighting hurts. You walk away with bruises, cuts, all banged up and throbbing, but think about the glory when you win the fight. The whole crowd cheering for you, the referee holding your arm high, the feel of the cool metal on your championship belt against your hot skin...it's all worth it. So thank you sir. Thank you for the training session, I'm one step closer to being Ali.
I'm the greatest!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Love is...
Okay, in my last couple of posts, readers could say I contradict myself. I say niggas ain't shit, but tell women to take responsibility. I note that girls just wanna have fun, but I say that I need to stay focused on my purpose. Well let me tell you doubtful readers something - Love is a contradiction. It's nonsense. It makes ultimate sense. It's like, dislike, happy, sad, mad, taste, touch, smell, sight...it is everything. It's constant change, but it always stays the same. Sound like a contradiction? I thought so.
True Story
Dedicated to Just Blaze
"And the truth shall set you free..."
He told her everything in the beginning. He had never done that before, but he laid it all out on the table, all the nasty, dirty, wonderful, beautiful secrets of his past. He knew all of it wasn't great, but he liked this girl, and for her, he bared his soul. He wanted her to know the past because in the future, he only wanted to move forward. And he wanted to do it with her. The result? She was suspiscious of him! She watched his every move, looking for signs of infidelity. In the beginning, rightfully so, but he eventually proved himself to her over and over again. Over time, she continued to nag him, and even though he opened himself to her in order to build trust, she couldn't handle it, and the trust between them was fragmented. Can you have a relationship without trust? No. Can you do it without full trust? Not for long. Soon he tired of her accusations, her unsupported suspiscions, and he quit. She was confused. She had all the evidence, but no proof! Even after they split, he took care of her. She found herself in a dangerous situation, and he rescued her. Did he still care? Of course he did, but he couldn't be with her, when her heart was with him, but her mind was with his past. He quit.
Are we women so jaded now that we can't recognize a good man when we see one? I know I said niggas ain't shit, but I also said real men are THE shit. Do we not know the difference? Ladies, I feel like sometimes we take the pepsi challenge and choose Jif. We need to take responsibility and give credit where credit is due. In the story above, this man allowed himself to be judged by his woman. She, as the judge, considered all the evidence and found him guilty, but he had committed no crime. Ladies, this is my plea to you...if you have a good one, take care of him! There are so few out there, or if they're out there, they're in the deepest corners of diamond mines. But here's the thing about that...the most beautiful diamonds are found in the deepest, darkest, dirtiest corners of the mine.
Ladies, if you have a diamond, allow him to shine. Know where he came from, but know where he's going. Don't reach a verdict too soon. Take the above as a cautionary tale. It's a true story.
P.S. And what about him? Is he doomed to be loveless because his woman couldn't appreciate his honesty? No, because there are too many others who will see him for what he is. Love is crazy like that, it's almost like we're meant NOT to have the ones we want just because it would make us happy. So pause. If you love her, then it's worth another try. Make her see, make her know that you are her Adam, her Prince Charming, her Quincy McCall. And if she still doesn't get it, then she doesn't deserve you. I know, it's fucked up, because you probably deserve her, and much more, but time will reveal a love that is true. If that love is with her, wonderful! If not, it's not the end of the world, just the end of this chapter in your life. It's easier said than done once you've put in time with a person, but don't let someone else's mistakes ruin you for the next woman. You too, need to realize that you are a commodity.
"And the truth shall set you free..."
He told her everything in the beginning. He had never done that before, but he laid it all out on the table, all the nasty, dirty, wonderful, beautiful secrets of his past. He knew all of it wasn't great, but he liked this girl, and for her, he bared his soul. He wanted her to know the past because in the future, he only wanted to move forward. And he wanted to do it with her. The result? She was suspiscious of him! She watched his every move, looking for signs of infidelity. In the beginning, rightfully so, but he eventually proved himself to her over and over again. Over time, she continued to nag him, and even though he opened himself to her in order to build trust, she couldn't handle it, and the trust between them was fragmented. Can you have a relationship without trust? No. Can you do it without full trust? Not for long. Soon he tired of her accusations, her unsupported suspiscions, and he quit. She was confused. She had all the evidence, but no proof! Even after they split, he took care of her. She found herself in a dangerous situation, and he rescued her. Did he still care? Of course he did, but he couldn't be with her, when her heart was with him, but her mind was with his past. He quit.
Are we women so jaded now that we can't recognize a good man when we see one? I know I said niggas ain't shit, but I also said real men are THE shit. Do we not know the difference? Ladies, I feel like sometimes we take the pepsi challenge and choose Jif. We need to take responsibility and give credit where credit is due. In the story above, this man allowed himself to be judged by his woman. She, as the judge, considered all the evidence and found him guilty, but he had committed no crime. Ladies, this is my plea to you...if you have a good one, take care of him! There are so few out there, or if they're out there, they're in the deepest corners of diamond mines. But here's the thing about that...the most beautiful diamonds are found in the deepest, darkest, dirtiest corners of the mine.
Ladies, if you have a diamond, allow him to shine. Know where he came from, but know where he's going. Don't reach a verdict too soon. Take the above as a cautionary tale. It's a true story.
P.S. And what about him? Is he doomed to be loveless because his woman couldn't appreciate his honesty? No, because there are too many others who will see him for what he is. Love is crazy like that, it's almost like we're meant NOT to have the ones we want just because it would make us happy. So pause. If you love her, then it's worth another try. Make her see, make her know that you are her Adam, her Prince Charming, her Quincy McCall. And if she still doesn't get it, then she doesn't deserve you. I know, it's fucked up, because you probably deserve her, and much more, but time will reveal a love that is true. If that love is with her, wonderful! If not, it's not the end of the world, just the end of this chapter in your life. It's easier said than done once you've put in time with a person, but don't let someone else's mistakes ruin you for the next woman. You too, need to realize that you are a commodity.
Rollercoaster Ride
Okay ladies and gents. I know it was a long commercial break, but I'm back now. If you haven't figured it out from my previous posts, I'm a person with a lot of passion, and I think it's time to focus that passion and be productive. I always say I'm going to do it, but this time I feel like I really am. This one's for the fam.
So tonight's topic: Why do we always want the opposite of what we have? And furthermore, why do we want the ones who don't want us? First off, as usual, I'm going to apply this to relationships. I always thought I wanted a man to pay me attention, to call and text me and want me to spend time with him, and I got a small glimpse of it, and didn't want it. Damn. And I say damn because I know if it was a nigga who didn't want me, a nigga I had to chase, I'd be ecstatic. So what's wrong with me? Do I have to feel an electric spark for me to have feelings at all? Why do I keep trying to catch the roadrunner if I know that I'll be the one hurt in the end? Why do I keep eating popeye's if I know it's going to clog my arteries sooner or later? And why do I climb up steep ass hills, when I can just walk the plateaus? Why do I live a thug life when I know I'm saved? I'll tell you why - it's the thrill of the chase, the taste of the meal, and the glory I feel when I reach the top of the hill, it's the rush I feel as I live each day as a thug. That's why. Don't feel bad about wanting what you don't have, because that's what drive is all about. You see something you want, and you go get it. When you've reached that goal, you find a new one. Same as in relationships. Now ultimately, everyone is looking for a lifelong mate, but this time in life is not the time to start that search. Enjoy the chase. A word to the fam - there are ups and downs and loops on rollercoasters, but if it was a straight ride, if there was no thrill, would we ride them?? You have to go down to get up, and vice versa. Enjoy the ride.
So tonight's topic: Why do we always want the opposite of what we have? And furthermore, why do we want the ones who don't want us? First off, as usual, I'm going to apply this to relationships. I always thought I wanted a man to pay me attention, to call and text me and want me to spend time with him, and I got a small glimpse of it, and didn't want it. Damn. And I say damn because I know if it was a nigga who didn't want me, a nigga I had to chase, I'd be ecstatic. So what's wrong with me? Do I have to feel an electric spark for me to have feelings at all? Why do I keep trying to catch the roadrunner if I know that I'll be the one hurt in the end? Why do I keep eating popeye's if I know it's going to clog my arteries sooner or later? And why do I climb up steep ass hills, when I can just walk the plateaus? Why do I live a thug life when I know I'm saved? I'll tell you why - it's the thrill of the chase, the taste of the meal, and the glory I feel when I reach the top of the hill, it's the rush I feel as I live each day as a thug. That's why. Don't feel bad about wanting what you don't have, because that's what drive is all about. You see something you want, and you go get it. When you've reached that goal, you find a new one. Same as in relationships. Now ultimately, everyone is looking for a lifelong mate, but this time in life is not the time to start that search. Enjoy the chase. A word to the fam - there are ups and downs and loops on rollercoasters, but if it was a straight ride, if there was no thrill, would we ride them?? You have to go down to get up, and vice versa. Enjoy the ride.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Commercial Break
Ok, I'm not leaving y'all hangin, I just need some time to get my thoughts together. Be back soon.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Mojo (jo-jo)
"Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another or transferred from one body to another, but the total amount of energy remains constant."
That's what feelings are about. Transfer of energy. It moves from one person to the next, it moves from one type to the next, it just moves. You know how you talk to someone sad and it makes you sad? Or if you hear someone laughing really hard at something and you just start laughing even though you don't know what about? All transfers.
This is especially true in intimate stiuations, whether it be friends or spouses, or somewhere in between, couples are always switching energies. You meet a person and you have that nervous energy that gives you butterflies, you find out they like you too and you both share that electric energy that's so exciting. You get that smooth comfortable energy where you like being around each other, sometimes you get that fierce jealous energy, you get exhaustion using energy trying to switch power dynamics in the relationship, you waste energy worrying about that other person or trying to make them feel what you feel. It's an interesting concept.
And since energy is not created nor destroyed it is inevitable that someone somewhere will always be happy, and someone somewhere else will be sad at the same time. Right now I'm trying to channel some creative energy because I feel negative energy in some of my relationships, and I need to flip the script on those, or I'll have to flip the switch and cut the power flow that's keeping the energy going.
Whatever your mojo is, don't let anybody flip it on you too long. Oh, it's going to get flipped, 'cause that's just the way life works, but find a way to turn it right back around. Me, I'm mostly a happy person. My smile could short circuit Las Vegas, and I TRY to be mostly optimistic. Today, I got flipped more times than necessary. But it doesn't stop here. I consider this fun. A challenge. And I'm in it to win it.
More on this subject later...
That's what feelings are about. Transfer of energy. It moves from one person to the next, it moves from one type to the next, it just moves. You know how you talk to someone sad and it makes you sad? Or if you hear someone laughing really hard at something and you just start laughing even though you don't know what about? All transfers.
This is especially true in intimate stiuations, whether it be friends or spouses, or somewhere in between, couples are always switching energies. You meet a person and you have that nervous energy that gives you butterflies, you find out they like you too and you both share that electric energy that's so exciting. You get that smooth comfortable energy where you like being around each other, sometimes you get that fierce jealous energy, you get exhaustion using energy trying to switch power dynamics in the relationship, you waste energy worrying about that other person or trying to make them feel what you feel. It's an interesting concept.
And since energy is not created nor destroyed it is inevitable that someone somewhere will always be happy, and someone somewhere else will be sad at the same time. Right now I'm trying to channel some creative energy because I feel negative energy in some of my relationships, and I need to flip the script on those, or I'll have to flip the switch and cut the power flow that's keeping the energy going.
Whatever your mojo is, don't let anybody flip it on you too long. Oh, it's going to get flipped, 'cause that's just the way life works, but find a way to turn it right back around. Me, I'm mostly a happy person. My smile could short circuit Las Vegas, and I TRY to be mostly optimistic. Today, I got flipped more times than necessary. But it doesn't stop here. I consider this fun. A challenge. And I'm in it to win it.
More on this subject later...
Rose Colored Glasses
"What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly."
In other words, there is serious power in perception, and this works in many ways. For one, some people believe in luck, and others believe in blessings. Some view bad luck as karma coming back to bite you in the ass. And it really is true that one man's trash is another man's treasure.
So how does this apply to this entry? I'm writing this one for those who feel a little discouraged right now. Think about how you are looking at your situation, and put a spin on it. Consider it chess, and take another look at the pieces on the board. Most likely you'll see a move that you didn't see before. And make your next move your best move. Rose colored glasses can be a great thing depending on what you see through them.
Now how does this apply to LadyLove? Interesting you would ask. Like I said, this concept works in many ways, for instance, you could've lost $10 today, but wherever you left it, you made someone's day when they found it. Likewise, I feel like that ten dollar bill. Some people take me for granted, feel that I'm "old faithful", and have the nerve to try to pull the wool over my eyes. I laugh at those people because I'm smarter than I let on. On the other hand, some people consider me a commodity, a treasure, and they respect me a whole lot. This has happened in social situations, friendships, the workplace, etc. It's just life. How people perceive you will dictate how they act towards you.
Now the juice? Ok, let's get it. I like John, and I made that clear. He took that knowledge and categorized me as someone he had power over. Big mistake. But in some ways, it was true. I allowed him to {key word allowed} get big headed because I paid him too much attention, knowing that he already thought he was God's gift to women. I perceived him to be mature enought to handle the truth, but he wasn't. Ha. On the flipside, Oliver would kiss the ground I walk on. He calls me "wifey material", and he is not trying to be with me, because we are not a match, but he always tells me that if we were, he would snap me up in a minute. Giggle.
So why doesn't John see what Oliver does? What prompts perception? For instance, why do certain people tense up when they see a black man walking down the street like he's automatically a criminal? Why am I a peasant by some standards, but to others I'm a queen? It's not so much that I wonder why, but why it's one way for certain people and another way for others. The world may never know. The one good thing about it all is that you can change YOUR perception. You most definitely can believe whatever you want to. And though that can be sticky in some ways, in my book it's a plus...if I knew how to do it. For some reason I would rather mope about John's perception rather than bask in Oliver's. One day I'll learn.
Til then, I feel like a caterpillar that can no longer crawl. One day I'll realize I can fly.
In other words, there is serious power in perception, and this works in many ways. For one, some people believe in luck, and others believe in blessings. Some view bad luck as karma coming back to bite you in the ass. And it really is true that one man's trash is another man's treasure.
So how does this apply to this entry? I'm writing this one for those who feel a little discouraged right now. Think about how you are looking at your situation, and put a spin on it. Consider it chess, and take another look at the pieces on the board. Most likely you'll see a move that you didn't see before. And make your next move your best move. Rose colored glasses can be a great thing depending on what you see through them.
Now how does this apply to LadyLove? Interesting you would ask. Like I said, this concept works in many ways, for instance, you could've lost $10 today, but wherever you left it, you made someone's day when they found it. Likewise, I feel like that ten dollar bill. Some people take me for granted, feel that I'm "old faithful", and have the nerve to try to pull the wool over my eyes. I laugh at those people because I'm smarter than I let on. On the other hand, some people consider me a commodity, a treasure, and they respect me a whole lot. This has happened in social situations, friendships, the workplace, etc. It's just life. How people perceive you will dictate how they act towards you.
Now the juice? Ok, let's get it. I like John, and I made that clear. He took that knowledge and categorized me as someone he had power over. Big mistake. But in some ways, it was true. I allowed him to {key word allowed} get big headed because I paid him too much attention, knowing that he already thought he was God's gift to women. I perceived him to be mature enought to handle the truth, but he wasn't. Ha. On the flipside, Oliver would kiss the ground I walk on. He calls me "wifey material", and he is not trying to be with me, because we are not a match, but he always tells me that if we were, he would snap me up in a minute. Giggle.
So why doesn't John see what Oliver does? What prompts perception? For instance, why do certain people tense up when they see a black man walking down the street like he's automatically a criminal? Why am I a peasant by some standards, but to others I'm a queen? It's not so much that I wonder why, but why it's one way for certain people and another way for others. The world may never know. The one good thing about it all is that you can change YOUR perception. You most definitely can believe whatever you want to. And though that can be sticky in some ways, in my book it's a plus...if I knew how to do it. For some reason I would rather mope about John's perception rather than bask in Oliver's. One day I'll learn.
Til then, I feel like a caterpillar that can no longer crawl. One day I'll realize I can fly.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Freeflow 2
Disclaimer: This is an honest freeflow because I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in this head of mine, but they aren't quite organized. Forgive me for the jumbled space below, but that's what freeflow entries are for...
Okay, world. I had to take a little hiatus, because like it says in the previous post, I had to get back on track with my purpose. Well, I'm back, and so much has happened that it's going to take several new entries to work this out. First of all, I've decided not to asterisk-censor my profanity anymore. Some say people use profanity because they don't know how to express themselves. To that I say, bullshit. Now fellas, I realize this entry is going to turn you completely off in the next line, but realize that I'm an open-minded person, and be patient with me. Read until the end.
Niggas ain't shit.
That being said, I'm not one of those hands-on-your-hip, neck rolling, independent-to-prove-a-point, feminist-til-i-die (alone) type women. But for the purposes of this composition, I must take on some of that point of view. Remember not too long ago when I asked if cupid was complacent? Well, I don't think so. I think he's just hanging out with the wrong crowd right now. A lot of drama unfolded this weekend, and all of the events brought me to the same conclusion. Niggas ain't shit. But why? I can't just make a claim and not back it up with substantial evidence, so here we go.
WHY CHEAT??? If you're not getting what you want out of the relationship, let her know! Give her a chance to fix it, and if it still doesn't work out, then leave! Don't hang around stringing people along. It's going to be painful on some level, so make it clean, quick rather than making both of you suffer slowly.
WHY LIE??? You got caught, so give it up! At least have the honesty to tell the girl the truth. And don't spit that bullshit about you don't want to hurt her, because no matter what you do, you already did. Lying is an insult to me. It's basically saying: "You're too stupid to know the truth, so I can just sell you a wolf ticket, and you'll take it. Not to mention, you believe everything I say anyway." BULLshit. In my eyes, under the rarest of circumstances, cheating could possibly, maybe, almost be forgiven. But lying...that's a crime that I hope you drop the soap for.
WHY STEAL??? Would you steal merchandise just for the hell of it? Ok, those of you who answered no, why would you steal a girl's time? That's something she can never get back, so if you ain't about shit and she is, then let her know what's up. If she chooses to stay, fine. If she chooses to leave, respect that, but let her make an informed decision. Like Lil Wayne says, "informate" the girl.
Now, fellas, I know you all huffing and puffing by now, but tell me that you, or someone you know, does not enagage in the aforementioned activities? Wait, stop trying to argue for a second...just think about it. Right. That's what I thought. I'm not saying females are perfect, because we are NOT, by any means, but damn, give us some more credit. Granted, now is not the time to be on love lockdown, but certain principles of respect still apply here. Each one of the above paragraphs is a way to disrespect your woman, piss her off to the highest of pisstivity, and most likely lose her. Not to mention, you mess it up for the next brotha 'cause women do know how to hold a grudge. Ask R. Kelly. (when a woman's fed up) Pay attention to my disclaimer, because this is just how I'm feeling at this particular moment. Tomorrow I might think niggas are the greatest, although I doubt it, because niggas ain't shit. Real men are. But that's a whole 'nother subject. And I'm not saying this applies to all men, but if you felt a little defensive just now, then I'm probably talking to you.
Hell, I don't know, I could just be feeling for some of my closest girls who got dogged out this weekend. Let me know, but until someone convinces me otherwise...
...Niggas ain't shit.
Okay, world. I had to take a little hiatus, because like it says in the previous post, I had to get back on track with my purpose. Well, I'm back, and so much has happened that it's going to take several new entries to work this out. First of all, I've decided not to asterisk-censor my profanity anymore. Some say people use profanity because they don't know how to express themselves. To that I say, bullshit. Now fellas, I realize this entry is going to turn you completely off in the next line, but realize that I'm an open-minded person, and be patient with me. Read until the end.
Niggas ain't shit.
That being said, I'm not one of those hands-on-your-hip, neck rolling, independent-to-prove-a-point, feminist-til-i-die (alone) type women. But for the purposes of this composition, I must take on some of that point of view. Remember not too long ago when I asked if cupid was complacent? Well, I don't think so. I think he's just hanging out with the wrong crowd right now. A lot of drama unfolded this weekend, and all of the events brought me to the same conclusion. Niggas ain't shit. But why? I can't just make a claim and not back it up with substantial evidence, so here we go.
WHY CHEAT??? If you're not getting what you want out of the relationship, let her know! Give her a chance to fix it, and if it still doesn't work out, then leave! Don't hang around stringing people along. It's going to be painful on some level, so make it clean, quick rather than making both of you suffer slowly.
WHY LIE??? You got caught, so give it up! At least have the honesty to tell the girl the truth. And don't spit that bullshit about you don't want to hurt her, because no matter what you do, you already did. Lying is an insult to me. It's basically saying: "You're too stupid to know the truth, so I can just sell you a wolf ticket, and you'll take it. Not to mention, you believe everything I say anyway." BULLshit. In my eyes, under the rarest of circumstances, cheating could possibly, maybe, almost be forgiven. But lying...that's a crime that I hope you drop the soap for.
WHY STEAL??? Would you steal merchandise just for the hell of it? Ok, those of you who answered no, why would you steal a girl's time? That's something she can never get back, so if you ain't about shit and she is, then let her know what's up. If she chooses to stay, fine. If she chooses to leave, respect that, but let her make an informed decision. Like Lil Wayne says, "informate" the girl.
Now, fellas, I know you all huffing and puffing by now, but tell me that you, or someone you know, does not enagage in the aforementioned activities? Wait, stop trying to argue for a second...just think about it. Right. That's what I thought. I'm not saying females are perfect, because we are NOT, by any means, but damn, give us some more credit. Granted, now is not the time to be on love lockdown, but certain principles of respect still apply here. Each one of the above paragraphs is a way to disrespect your woman, piss her off to the highest of pisstivity, and most likely lose her. Not to mention, you mess it up for the next brotha 'cause women do know how to hold a grudge. Ask R. Kelly. (when a woman's fed up) Pay attention to my disclaimer, because this is just how I'm feeling at this particular moment. Tomorrow I might think niggas are the greatest, although I doubt it, because niggas ain't shit. Real men are. But that's a whole 'nother subject. And I'm not saying this applies to all men, but if you felt a little defensive just now, then I'm probably talking to you.
Hell, I don't know, I could just be feeling for some of my closest girls who got dogged out this weekend. Let me know, but until someone convinces me otherwise...
...Niggas ain't shit.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Procrastinating on my Purpose
"To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity."
There is not one purpose that a person has in life. We all have several purposes, and often they are intertwined with each other. I am writing this entry because for a short period of time, I lost sight of my current purpose. I'm not in the dark, I know what it is, which makes it all the more disturbing that I lost sight of it. I'm back on track now, but only after 2 very distressed phone calls, a few tears of anguish, and some serious self-motivation. I expected the people I talked to to give me a boost, but they seemed to do the exact opposite. I don't know if they were using reverse psychology or if they were serious, but whatever it was, it worked.
I said all this to say, it's ok to lose sight of your purpose sometimes. You just have to rub your eyes, clear your vision, and get back on track. I don't know what the consequences of my short blind moment will be yet, but I am ready and willing to deal with them. It all falls in with being an adult: you stroll along living life, and every now and then you fuck up. Don't stop, don't cry, don't lose your vision. Just take responsibility, figure out how to fix it, and get it done. Now that's much easier said than done, but it's a process we will all endure several times in our lives. Don't procrastinate on your purpose.
There is not one purpose that a person has in life. We all have several purposes, and often they are intertwined with each other. I am writing this entry because for a short period of time, I lost sight of my current purpose. I'm not in the dark, I know what it is, which makes it all the more disturbing that I lost sight of it. I'm back on track now, but only after 2 very distressed phone calls, a few tears of anguish, and some serious self-motivation. I expected the people I talked to to give me a boost, but they seemed to do the exact opposite. I don't know if they were using reverse psychology or if they were serious, but whatever it was, it worked.
I said all this to say, it's ok to lose sight of your purpose sometimes. You just have to rub your eyes, clear your vision, and get back on track. I don't know what the consequences of my short blind moment will be yet, but I am ready and willing to deal with them. It all falls in with being an adult: you stroll along living life, and every now and then you fuck up. Don't stop, don't cry, don't lose your vision. Just take responsibility, figure out how to fix it, and get it done. Now that's much easier said than done, but it's a process we will all endure several times in our lives. Don't procrastinate on your purpose.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Hold Me?
"Us was nice and warm, no jacket, no umbrella, just warm."
A boy hugged me today. He didn't even really mean to, he was trying to keep me away from something, but as his strong, beautiful brown arms wrapped around me, as lightly as they did, I realized I miss that. I haven't felt it in years...years...years?...years! I thought back to the last time that I was warm in a man's arms, and I missed that feeling. There's something about that electric embrace that makes me feel loved, even if it isn't true. I feel protected, all my thoughts are clear and one feeling is solid - happiness. Wherever I am, it doesn't matter because where I really am is inside the shelter of two big, strong, beautiful brown arms. Why doesn't anybody hug me like that anymore?
And did you know that a kiss is actually more intimate than sex? There is a language of passion that only the lips and the tongue know how to speak correctly. For those of you who are shallow, let me say now, no, I am not a "freak", but when I love, I love with all of me, mentally, physically, and emotionally, so I know what is most important in each of those realms. And the real reason that an embrace is so special is because of the feeling behind it. It doesn't necessarily mean love, but it is something shared between two souls, even for a glimpse, that is manifested while they intertwine arms.
A boy hugged me today. He didn't even really mean to, he was trying to keep me away from something, but as his strong, beautiful brown arms wrapped around me, as lightly as they did, I realized I miss that. I haven't felt it in years...years...years?...years! I thought back to the last time that I was warm in a man's arms, and I missed that feeling. There's something about that electric embrace that makes me feel loved, even if it isn't true. I feel protected, all my thoughts are clear and one feeling is solid - happiness. Wherever I am, it doesn't matter because where I really am is inside the shelter of two big, strong, beautiful brown arms. Why doesn't anybody hug me like that anymore?
And did you know that a kiss is actually more intimate than sex? There is a language of passion that only the lips and the tongue know how to speak correctly. For those of you who are shallow, let me say now, no, I am not a "freak", but when I love, I love with all of me, mentally, physically, and emotionally, so I know what is most important in each of those realms. And the real reason that an embrace is so special is because of the feeling behind it. It doesn't necessarily mean love, but it is something shared between two souls, even for a glimpse, that is manifested while they intertwine arms.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Never been Normal
What is normal? If you act a certain way and everyone just accepts it as usual behavior? If that's the case, then I've NEVER been normal. I like the people who are different. The ones that make me smile, wear goggles when they're not in science lab, worry about their hair sticking up but have holes in their pants, and the ones who live inside bubbles. I don't think I've ever met a normal person, but if I did, I think I'd be leery of them. I love who I am. Sometimes I feel weird. I feel different than everyone else, and it doesn't feel like such a good thing. Other times I feel as though my being different makes me shine brighter than any other bulb in the box. Sometimes I doubt myself, and wonder how other people will view me, but then I get some of that "fuck it" in my system and everything's good again. I know that no matter how much people say they don't care what other people think, somewhere in life they cared. And you know what? That's totally fine. That's what life is about. We're all here to interact with each other, and that's what makes the world spin.
Why aren't I normal? Because I'm a chameleon, always changing, always evolving, adapting quickly to my surroundings. The only thing that stays the same is me. Make sense? I didn't think so. What I mean is, I'll always be a chameleon, it's my colors that change. At my most comfortable, I am the creole color of my father. At my most loving, the deep chocolate of my mother. At my silliest, the creamy caramel of my sister. And sometimes I'm just me, just mocha. I am not only variations of brown, I can be others colors too, rich dark shades, and beautiful bright ones. Some will say I am a sellout for changing the way I do. I disagree. I think you have to be able to adapt, it's how we survive. The ones who are stagnant are impeding progress, if you ask me. It's the weird ones, the ones who color a little outside of the lines that make everything special.
Think about it. Are you normal? If so, what makes you that way? 'Cause whatever it is, you probably need to get rid of it. :)
Why aren't I normal? Because I'm a chameleon, always changing, always evolving, adapting quickly to my surroundings. The only thing that stays the same is me. Make sense? I didn't think so. What I mean is, I'll always be a chameleon, it's my colors that change. At my most comfortable, I am the creole color of my father. At my most loving, the deep chocolate of my mother. At my silliest, the creamy caramel of my sister. And sometimes I'm just me, just mocha. I am not only variations of brown, I can be others colors too, rich dark shades, and beautiful bright ones. Some will say I am a sellout for changing the way I do. I disagree. I think you have to be able to adapt, it's how we survive. The ones who are stagnant are impeding progress, if you ask me. It's the weird ones, the ones who color a little outside of the lines that make everything special.
Think about it. Are you normal? If so, what makes you that way? 'Cause whatever it is, you probably need to get rid of it. :)
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!
So, as this is an expression of myself, everything here will not be profound, as I am not profound 24/7. For instance, tonight I am going out with 2 of my very best friends to get unbelievably and unequivocally inebriated. Not something I usually do, but it's a celebration! Besides, girls just wanna have fun!!!!
For My Gent
I told you you can't know where this blog is, but if by chance you find it one day, I'm writing this entry for you. I appreciate you being honest with me tonight, and I hope once you get yourself straight, we can enjoy each other's company for real. Even though you don't argue like I want you to anymore, you still amaze me sometimes. Your percentage found a boost today, and I hope you keep it there.
-Your Bestest Friend
P.S. The day you find this is the day we'll have a conversation about us dancing. Ask me about it.
Spectacularly Stupid
I need to write this down. I need to write this down so I'll remember it. I feel spectacularly stupid right now. But I'm smart, because I realized something. I persevere at a lot of things, I'm driven, determined, and unstoppable. These characteristics do not apply with like/love. I'm a girl, I shouldn't have to be the aggressor. And when I am, because you're to lame to do it, but I really like you, so I do it, I shouldn't have to feel stupid for it. Or maybe I should. Maybe I should feel spectacularly stupid so I'll never do it again. File this one away under L for lessons learned.
Freeflow
Sometimes I just write. The words flow free like feelings. Express them and get on with life.
I think our timing was off. Or maybe it was never meant to be, and I just read too much into it. On the day he introduced himself to me, I didn’t pay much attention. When he received recognition from everyone else, I noticed, but didn’t care much. So I really can’t remember how we got to this place. I do remember him approaching me first, to compliment me in the weirdest way…and I’ve been paying for that compliment ever since. I like him. I like him a lot. It was better when I didn’t care, but now I do, and I can’t help it. I want to tell him the truth, but that’s a mission impossible, because he’ll abuse my honesty. He already abuses my attention. He has a girl already. A girl that he’s had for a long time. Even if she wasn’t there, I’d still be a treasure he doesn’t have the map to. I’m irritated with him, because he came so close and failed so epically. Make me want you, make me miss you, make me wonder where you are, then forget you. I know he doesn’t think about me as often as I do him, and so I try to detach myself, make the feelings go away, but they only intensify. And every now and then I get to steal a special moment, but not enough to amount to anything. I want to tell him the truth, that I don’t want to play games, I just want to BE. We don’t have to be anything…I just want to be. Be near him, with him. I like him. I want the shit to go away. So I tuck those feelings away with the rest of my baggage. It’s hard to close the suitcases, they’re getting too full. I use more force, and the lock snaps. I try to walk away, content, but BOOM! The lock opens and all the like spills out again. So it’s out in the open, but it’s the elephant in the room. I ignore it, don’t talk about it. But it’s there. None of this makes sense, but then again it’s not supposed to. I try to open myself up to him, make myself exist, but not be too available. He doesn't see me. I'm the elephant in the room. I see him happy, I am happy for him. I am wondering if you can miss something you never had. I wish I never met him at all.
I think our timing was off. Or maybe it was never meant to be, and I just read too much into it. On the day he introduced himself to me, I didn’t pay much attention. When he received recognition from everyone else, I noticed, but didn’t care much. So I really can’t remember how we got to this place. I do remember him approaching me first, to compliment me in the weirdest way…and I’ve been paying for that compliment ever since. I like him. I like him a lot. It was better when I didn’t care, but now I do, and I can’t help it. I want to tell him the truth, but that’s a mission impossible, because he’ll abuse my honesty. He already abuses my attention. He has a girl already. A girl that he’s had for a long time. Even if she wasn’t there, I’d still be a treasure he doesn’t have the map to. I’m irritated with him, because he came so close and failed so epically. Make me want you, make me miss you, make me wonder where you are, then forget you. I know he doesn’t think about me as often as I do him, and so I try to detach myself, make the feelings go away, but they only intensify. And every now and then I get to steal a special moment, but not enough to amount to anything. I want to tell him the truth, that I don’t want to play games, I just want to BE. We don’t have to be anything…I just want to be. Be near him, with him. I like him. I want the shit to go away. So I tuck those feelings away with the rest of my baggage. It’s hard to close the suitcases, they’re getting too full. I use more force, and the lock snaps. I try to walk away, content, but BOOM! The lock opens and all the like spills out again. So it’s out in the open, but it’s the elephant in the room. I ignore it, don’t talk about it. But it’s there. None of this makes sense, but then again it’s not supposed to. I try to open myself up to him, make myself exist, but not be too available. He doesn't see me. I'm the elephant in the room. I see him happy, I am happy for him. I am wondering if you can miss something you never had. I wish I never met him at all.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Has Cupid Become Complacent?
It is fitting that the night I create this blog my girlfriend would come to me with the age old question - Is it time to break up? "I think I need some time to myself," she said. "If it's meant to be, we'll get back together." Her tone almost implied that she was trying to convince herself, and I felt a tug at my heartstrings. I thought about her situation, and so many others like her, and I even considered my own disposition, and of course, a question arose. Has cupid been sleeping on the job? Has he just decided that everything is fine the way it is? If so, then we're all f***ed. Lately it just seems like all my friends, girls anyway, are stuck in the same spot, or they think they're making progress, but all they're doing is making 3 left turns. Love already screws us with its nonsensical aura and dry sense of humor, but now we're all standing still to top it all off.
I would say we're complacent, but nobody seems happy where they are, except cupid's lazy a**! Or did he get tired? Did he look down at us and say, "I'm just as tired of love as you are?" Did he not want to see males and females play our stupid games anymore? Was he tired of seeing some people in control and some being dragged around by the arrows he unceremoniously jabbed through their hearts? Or even worse, was he confused about his job duties? How do you know which two people are a match for each other? And if you make a match that doesn't work out, then how do you fix it? And isn't shooting someone with an arrow wounding them...even if it is in the name of love?
So how does all this relate to my girlfriend? She says that when she's with him, she's at her happiest, but when she's not, it's a different story. I wanted to tell her to weigh the options and go with whatever weighed heavier on the scales, but here's the thing - we're not weighing on the scales of justice, we're weighing on the scales of love, and for what it's worth, we might as well be weighing this s*** on the moon. So I guess until cupid decides to get over whatever is ailing him, we're all just standing in the same spot, digging ourselves deeper into holes of comfort.
I would say we're complacent, but nobody seems happy where they are, except cupid's lazy a**! Or did he get tired? Did he look down at us and say, "I'm just as tired of love as you are?" Did he not want to see males and females play our stupid games anymore? Was he tired of seeing some people in control and some being dragged around by the arrows he unceremoniously jabbed through their hearts? Or even worse, was he confused about his job duties? How do you know which two people are a match for each other? And if you make a match that doesn't work out, then how do you fix it? And isn't shooting someone with an arrow wounding them...even if it is in the name of love?
So how does all this relate to my girlfriend? She says that when she's with him, she's at her happiest, but when she's not, it's a different story. I wanted to tell her to weigh the options and go with whatever weighed heavier on the scales, but here's the thing - we're not weighing on the scales of justice, we're weighing on the scales of love, and for what it's worth, we might as well be weighing this s*** on the moon. So I guess until cupid decides to get over whatever is ailing him, we're all just standing in the same spot, digging ourselves deeper into holes of comfort.
What's in a name?
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
So, it is inevitable that some will wonder why I call myself LadyLove. The answer to this one, unlike so many other questions, is simple. I am intrigued, enthralled, and consumed by thoughts of love. You will see a lot of them here, and you will see them often in my poems, if I ever choose to put them here. But my name represents a part of me that I want to express here in this space that is {DD}. It's a simple expression, but as you will see in the future, it means much. By any other name, I would still be LadyLove, but as this is the name you see, this is the name that you will come to know and understand me by.
So, it is inevitable that some will wonder why I call myself LadyLove. The answer to this one, unlike so many other questions, is simple. I am intrigued, enthralled, and consumed by thoughts of love. You will see a lot of them here, and you will see them often in my poems, if I ever choose to put them here. But my name represents a part of me that I want to express here in this space that is {DD}. It's a simple expression, but as you will see in the future, it means much. By any other name, I would still be LadyLove, but as this is the name you see, this is the name that you will come to know and understand me by.
Are you hungry?
Hello Ladies and Gents. Welcome to {Delicious Diary}. This blog is a form of self-expression from LadyLove, and I hope that reading it will leave you enlightened, confused, full, empty or somehow different than when you came. I call it {DD} because I have a lot of questions, thoughts, and feelings, some happy, some not, some different. Here, I will list those things in the form of diary entries, and I call those entries "food for thought", thus the name.
As a new blogger, and as someone who is doing this for myself more than anyone else, the only promise I can make to you is that you will see, here, LadyLove in her truest form. I will be honest - and this may not always be pretty, but it will always be real. You may see glimpses of my life here that you won't see anywhere else. For this reason, in telling stories, I will change names to protect identities, but the truth remains the same. And, I must warn you, I am human, just like you, therefore, I am allowed to make mistakes, and I most likely will, so be patient with me.
If you choose to read on, I hope my food satisfies your hunger.
As a new blogger, and as someone who is doing this for myself more than anyone else, the only promise I can make to you is that you will see, here, LadyLove in her truest form. I will be honest - and this may not always be pretty, but it will always be real. You may see glimpses of my life here that you won't see anywhere else. For this reason, in telling stories, I will change names to protect identities, but the truth remains the same. And, I must warn you, I am human, just like you, therefore, I am allowed to make mistakes, and I most likely will, so be patient with me.
If you choose to read on, I hope my food satisfies your hunger.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
