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Grocery Trip!

I'm hot. I just did a pre-yoga workout, and because I'm excited about blogging, I'll go ahead and post what Neyla and I bought for groceries today. And here are some pictures, because we're cheesy enough to take pictures at H-E-B, lmao.

 

Neyla also has this uncanny ability to look amazing even for a trip to the grocery store, so shoutout to her for that lol! The plan for this week is:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with blueberries (and she made me get the real oatmeal, not the instant kind, bleh)
Eggs and sausage
Cinnamon Raisin Toast with almond butter
Orange Juice

Lunch: Chicken Tacos

Dinner: Pasta with veggies

Snacks: Yogurt, baby cucumbers, sweet potatoes, bananas, oranges (I wanted cuties but they didn't have them.)

The complete shopping list:
Oatmeal
blueberries
sausage
eggs
cinnamon raisin toast
almond butter
orange juice
chicken breast
tortillas
cheese
guacamole
green and red bell peppers
whole wheat penne pasta
ground beef
tomato sauce
yogurt
baby cucumbers
sweet potatoes
oranges
apple cider vinegar
pickles
bananas

I spent $96.41, and threw in a few extra items for my entertainment. We'll see how this goes, the plan is to not be lazy and actually cook and fix these items, and to also see how far this stretches. In a regular workweek, I would easily spend: $5 breakfast, $10 lunch, $10 dinner. That's $25 day, which is $125 a week. So I'm interested to see how the above shakes out. Also keep in mind I'm not totally being healthy yet, right now the goal is to gain weight and eat more, so don't judge too hard. I still grabbed a bag of ruffles & a Dr. Pepper on the way out of the store (not pictured). Now off to yoga class!

Delicious Diet

Diet is not just about losing weight. It's about what you eat (and how you live). The thing is, when I step on the scale, I'm hoping I weigh MORE. So this will be a part of the blog #deliciousdiet, where I include meals, workouts and more. I'm not trying to make money or anything off of it, honestly I'm trying to make it to 100lb. Currently I'm 5'5 and weigh 84b. (I know, I know.) I also have Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis, so it's hard for me to gain weight and my diet is very important, but I don't always treat it as such.

Currently, like as of today, I have been eating 2 times a day. Pitiful and shameful, I know. But when I was going to a 9 to 5, I ate lunch on the regular and my body even got used to breakfast, and I used to hate breakfast! I couldn't tolerate it, if I ate before 11am I would literally vomit. So now with my very poor eating habits, I have to train my body to accept food again. This begins today.

I went to yoga class on Monday, and I did well. It was tough, because I am so out of shape. Like, I was dancing in the club and got tired out of shape, and that's never happened to me before, but it was a great wake up call to do better by my body. You only get one. And as much as me and mine have been through, I should really know better. Right when we got to the core exercises at the end of yoga, I wasn't even going to attempt them, but my body starting moving and I did all of those reps, okay?! I was so proud! And tired, haha. Tuesday I didn't work out at all, and I wanted to beat myself up about it, but this is a marathon, not a sprint. The point is to develop good habits, and that's going to take some adjustments. I'm going to yoga again tonight, and I'm sure I'll report my results.

Today I went grocery shopping with my friend Neyla who is amazing at eating healthy. Let me tell you what shocked me. When they say read the ingredients and if you can't pronounce it, don't eat it, that's true! We picked up things with ingredients that I had no problem reading. I spent roughly $100 and we'll see how long these groceries last me. I'll post what we bought soon, and let you guys know how it's going. I try not to make posts too long, just had to establish some background, so I'll stop here, and be sure to check #deliciousdiet for all things health related!

Keep your expectations low...

Okay so here's the thing. I want to start a blog. But not one that's super popular because I don't know how dedicated I'll be to the blog. But I have a lot of stuff to say. Things millennials go through. Things that could be shared to help someone else. Things that could be shared to help my mental health. Things that could be shared period lol. So we're going to start today. I thought of starting a new blog, but I have sentimental ties to this one, so we'll just start here and see how this goes. And if I happen to help you, please let me know. It will encourage me to write more.

Relax.

The good news is, the guy I wrote about in my last post, I'm no longer seeing. We'll call this guy Ray for the future purposes of this blog. I'm proud of myself for that. I thought to come here because of the haiku project I did in 2009, I revisited it since it is officially Valentine's Day where I am. I've come a long way and I'm still pretty intense, but I've learned to relax some. I haven't written since 2014, so I feel like there's so much I want to say, but we'll just move forward from here. This blog was originally a secret, but I kept telling people about it lmao, so let's just be candid.

Today I feel full of love. I just went to a wedding & I felt a little off beat being there alone, but something about it being Valentine's Day is lifting my spirits. It could also be that I've only slept one hour in the past 25 hours. We'll see for sure when the sun rises. Love has still been a bit of a bumpy ride for me, but my self awareness has helped me realize my part in my unhappiness and what I need to change. I cut ties with Ray, I think we're borderline friends now. That was October 2014, and shortly after I met a guy we'll call D. To make a long story short, D was an upgrade in a lot of ways, I really liked him. But in a lot of ways he was also just like Ray. I saw the huge red flags & chose to ignore them and you can guess how that turned out. I'm not as distraught though, I'm strangely hopeful. If each guy gets better, then eventually I'll get to the right guy. Right now I'm just happy that this greeting card holiday isn't causing me any undue strife. I video blogged yesterday and I think I will enjoy this much more, so we'll talk again sooner than later, lovers. Be kind to yourself today.

I Still...

I still want to write in this blog. There is so much history here, so much completeness and beautiful imperfection about who I was and who I will be and the journey in between. I loved writing here. Still do. I still want to be a TV personality. I figured it out. That is the title I want. I want to give people a voice in my interviews, I want to help them show the world who they are. I want to be the woman with the golden microphone. I'm still trying to. I still love him. It's just not as naive. But I still get butterflies when I hear his ringtone, because yes, he still has a ringtone. I love to see him making progress, with the hopes that he'll steer himself in the right direction with it soon. I hate that beard. Somehow, to me, that beard is synonymous with him losing his soul. And even if it's just the shell of him talking to me, I can fill him up with the memory of my love, even if just for an inboxed word or two, so he can keep going. I don't really get anything out of it, besides a faint smile, reluctant to be full because of all the pain, but I still love him. And I'd be doing myself a disservice to claim any different. I'd be a fool to think he loves me too.

She's Just Not That Into You

I'm going to tell a secret I normally wouldn't, but I find it interesting that men seem not to know this: A woman can be convinced to do anything, and I do mean ANYthing, by a guy she really likes. She doesn't even have to love you. She just has to see the possibility of loving you, and if you make her feel appreciated, she will become comfortable with you and whatever ideas you decide to plant in her head will seem amazing.

Maybe men do know this, because pimps do exist, but I see a lot of guys complaining about what girls don't do, should do, and what they want in a woman. Do you not realize you're in control of the situation? Do you not know what your role as a man is? Women are meant to be led. Yes, in this day and age we have our own ideas and opinons and we want to be independent...until you come along and provide companionship. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids. All you need to create the woman of your dreams, is you.

And if by chance she doesn't respond to your coaxing and convincing, then honestly, she's just not that into you. I can think of not one, but 2 men right now, who I would willingly submit to if they winked in my direction. It's not hard fellas, I guarantee it.

Fall Cleaning

My family was never into Spring Cleaning. My dad always had us do Fall Cleaning, which was such a chore, and I couldn't tell you any good reasons why, but it seemed so much better than doing it in the Spring. I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've been delicious! I certainly had enough moments where I was full enough to spill it all onto this page. Guess I was feeling a little nostalgic tonight, looking at my present and my past at the same time, and wondering what kind of progress I've made. Truth is, I don't know, haha. Guess progress is in the eye of the beholder right now.

For instance, is it a sign of maturity and moving forward that I don't write here more often, or is it an indicator of stress? Who knows? I look back at these posts and I'm elated to be done with school, but the real world makes me want to run back to class. It's the circle of life, though. Everything is moving forward, it's just moving quite slowly.

My heart is still in the right and the wrong places, I'm still just as insane as I am out of my mind, and I am still absolutely, ridiculously ambitious. I feel fresh and clean. It's Autumn.

Estrogen

I'm such a woman! Mood swings like I'm on a country porch in the South! Now I'm smiling for no apparent reason, and my feelings were so hurt in that last post! They'll still be hurt for awhile, but slowly, surely, you get over it. And that's the part I love. Not lying to myself and knowing that whatever happens, I can keep moving forward. I'm winning more than I think I am. Yes!!

Done-zo

I've been reading the same book for two weeks. Reading slowly, a few pages at a time, trying to avoid the part where Miah dies. I knew once I read that part, I would have to finish the book. And once I finished the book, I would have to write this.

It almost feels like my fingers are crying. Like they're reluctant to tell me the truth. It doesn't even feel like I'm writing. It feels like I'm reading Tom Riddle's diary, the words spilling out to me, black over a white screen. I am amazingly dramatic, but all of this is accurate. We're done. The closest I have ever come to falling in love in my short span of living and it's over. I feel crazy. I feel foolish because yet again, communication has ceased between myself and someone I considered myself close to. Why can people let me go so easily? Why is it so effortless to drop me like...like I never even mattered? That's the part that gets me. I give myself to people so wholly, honestly, and effortlesly. I guess that's why. They don't have to fight for anything. They don't earn me. But that's stupid. Why should there be a fight? I don't think there should be. My best friend told me that about myself, that I kind of live by the golden rule, but the problem with that is, I'm the only one. But I'm really not good at deceiving people, putting up walls or trying to be someone I'm not. And if the day ever comes that I do put up a wall, I think it would be the great wall of fcuking China, which is why I don't build walls. I build bridges, and as easily as they connect me to people, people take those same bridges and walk out of my life. My feelings are hurt. And I'm mourning Miah. I'm emotional. And it's over. We're done-zo.