Friday, December 30, 2011
Estrogen
I'm such a woman! Mood swings like I'm on a country porch in the South! Now I'm smiling for no apparent reason, and my feelings were so hurt in that last post! They'll still be hurt for awhile, but slowly, surely, you get over it. And that's the part I love. Not lying to myself and knowing that whatever happens, I can keep moving forward. I'm winning more than I think I am. Yes!!
Done-zo
I've been reading the same book for two weeks. Reading slowly, a few pages at a time, trying to avoid the part where Miah dies. I knew once I read that part, I would have to finish the book. And once I finished the book, I would have to write this.
It almost feels like my fingers are crying. Like they're reluctant to tell me the truth. It doesn't even feel like I'm writing. It feels like I'm reading Tom Riddle's diary, the words spilling out to me, black over a white screen. I am amazingly dramatic, but all of this is accurate. We're done. The closest I have ever come to falling in love in my short span of living and it's over. I feel crazy. I feel foolish because yet again, communication has ceased between myself and someone I considered myself close to. Why can people let me go so easily? Why is it so effortless to drop me like...like I never even mattered? That's the part that gets me. I give myself to people so wholly, honestly, and effortlesly. I guess that's why. They don't have to fight for anything. They don't earn me. But that's stupid. Why should there be a fight? I don't think there should be. My best friend told me that about myself, that I kind of live by the golden rule, but the problem with that is, I'm the only one. But I'm really not good at deceiving people, putting up walls or trying to be someone I'm not. And if the day ever comes that I do put up a wall, I think it would be the great wall of fcuking China, which is why I don't build walls. I build bridges, and as easily as they connect me to people, people take those same bridges and walk out of my life. My feelings are hurt. And I'm mourning Miah. I'm emotional. And it's over. We're done-zo.
It almost feels like my fingers are crying. Like they're reluctant to tell me the truth. It doesn't even feel like I'm writing. It feels like I'm reading Tom Riddle's diary, the words spilling out to me, black over a white screen. I am amazingly dramatic, but all of this is accurate. We're done. The closest I have ever come to falling in love in my short span of living and it's over. I feel crazy. I feel foolish because yet again, communication has ceased between myself and someone I considered myself close to. Why can people let me go so easily? Why is it so effortless to drop me like...like I never even mattered? That's the part that gets me. I give myself to people so wholly, honestly, and effortlesly. I guess that's why. They don't have to fight for anything. They don't earn me. But that's stupid. Why should there be a fight? I don't think there should be. My best friend told me that about myself, that I kind of live by the golden rule, but the problem with that is, I'm the only one. But I'm really not good at deceiving people, putting up walls or trying to be someone I'm not. And if the day ever comes that I do put up a wall, I think it would be the great wall of fcuking China, which is why I don't build walls. I build bridges, and as easily as they connect me to people, people take those same bridges and walk out of my life. My feelings are hurt. And I'm mourning Miah. I'm emotional. And it's over. We're done-zo.
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