Estrogen

I'm such a woman! Mood swings like I'm on a country porch in the South! Now I'm smiling for no apparent reason, and my feelings were so hurt in that last post! They'll still be hurt for awhile, but slowly, surely, you get over it. And that's the part I love. Not lying to myself and knowing that whatever happens, I can keep moving forward. I'm winning more than I think I am. Yes!!

Done-zo

I've been reading the same book for two weeks. Reading slowly, a few pages at a time, trying to avoid the part where Miah dies. I knew once I read that part, I would have to finish the book. And once I finished the book, I would have to write this.

It almost feels like my fingers are crying. Like they're reluctant to tell me the truth. It doesn't even feel like I'm writing. It feels like I'm reading Tom Riddle's diary, the words spilling out to me, black over a white screen. I am amazingly dramatic, but all of this is accurate. We're done. The closest I have ever come to falling in love in my short span of living and it's over. I feel crazy. I feel foolish because yet again, communication has ceased between myself and someone I considered myself close to. Why can people let me go so easily? Why is it so effortless to drop me like...like I never even mattered? That's the part that gets me. I give myself to people so wholly, honestly, and effortlesly. I guess that's why. They don't have to fight for anything. They don't earn me. But that's stupid. Why should there be a fight? I don't think there should be. My best friend told me that about myself, that I kind of live by the golden rule, but the problem with that is, I'm the only one. But I'm really not good at deceiving people, putting up walls or trying to be someone I'm not. And if the day ever comes that I do put up a wall, I think it would be the great wall of fcuking China, which is why I don't build walls. I build bridges, and as easily as they connect me to people, people take those same bridges and walk out of my life. My feelings are hurt. And I'm mourning Miah. I'm emotional. And it's over. We're done-zo.

For Sure, For Sure

Wanna know how I know I'm fucked up in the head? I love that Rihanna "We Found Love" video. It looks like fun to me. Ain't that crazy? But it does. I'm so poised and in control on a daily basis, I think it would be wonderful to lose control and lose myself in another person, even if only for awhile. This is probably yet another reason why God doesn't see fit to give me someone of my own right now, haha. But really though. I was thinking about that today. My lover, I mean. He'll have to be someone FULL of strength, because I am a helluva lot to deal with, and he will have to have strength when I have none, which is an extremely serious job. I'm sick a lot, he will have to know that when I can't eat anything, he should feed me an orange. He should know I like milk before bed, and that if he reads to me, I will love him for an eternity for every page he turns. He must know that you can usually tell what kind of day I'm having by my hairstyle, and that I hate makeup, but I will still wear eyes & lips when I'm going out. He especially has to know that I only want to argue for fun, and that as confident as I am, as soon as he touches me, I am as shy as I've never been before. I need him to understand that I need his encouragement, and that sometimes I need to complain, and sometimes I just need to cry. He should never be jealous of anyone I love, and he should understand that I must love me more than I love him, just in case, but he should love me for my honesty and my intelligence. And it would be nice if he knew that when I say I'm okay, I'm usually not. And when I say I love him, I've said "I love you" to a man before, but when I say it to him, I mean it with every syllable in the word, that I've been waiting for him for over 2 decades, and that he has me sprung like a mattress, so when I say it, I'm thinking about the last breath that I might need, and instead of saving it, I chose to proclaim my love for him.

This is gonna be hella funny when I look back and read it.

Traditional Tragedy

I think people should have to give up a toe to get divorced. Maybe then they'd take marriage more seriously.

I used to want to get married. Still do, but I couldn't quite explain why. Marriage is the dumbest shit I ever heard of in my life. Why would you want to marry some sapsucker who's with you for convenience? Hire a live in maid and pay monthly fees to an escort service. Don't ruin my damn life. I want someone who is going to love me as he loves the Lord, and I will treat him like the man that he is, and understand my place as his woman. I want someone to love, honor and protect me. And be honest with me. Marriage is too much pressure for some people. You declare in front of everyone you love and care about that, "Hey, this is the person that I love and care about! And I'm going to put a ring on to prove it! And yes, there is a chance that I might fuck this up!" Why do that to yourself?

And I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. Fuck that shit. So the whole marriage without a label thing, that's sketchy too. But I don't want to be alone either. And I DAMN SURE HELL don't want to be divorced. So what's the solution? When did it all get so complicated? Why can't the manliest man just put me over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes and we begat generations of beautiful babies?

Marriage is a tradition. Of tragedy. Fuck that shit.

The Fastest Swimmer

"The beautiful tragedy of it is, can't no man on God's green earth or red mars claim me as his, except one. And that's different; I came out of his ballsack."

Even as I spat this wonderfully poetic quote, I knew it wasn't true. There is one other man that I am connected to, have been connected to for some time. The last man that I wrote about here. I have taken too much time off from writing. And hopefully, I can get back to it now, because there are some things that need to be shared.

Looking Back

I visted an old friend of mine. And old post of mine too. Seeing him years later, I understand why I was attracted to him, but at the same time, I felt like Kanye. "Was I on that?!?!" It felt empowering to know that he no longer had a hold on me. Even more empowering to know that we could be friends, comfortable and cool, even though he once held a position of power over me. Was there moderate flirting involved? Of course, but when I'm around, when isn't there moderate flirting involved? Also, if I were to be completely and totally honest, I felt a tinge of empowerment knowing that he looked at me as something that he lost. Something that he once had, but couldn't get back. Still waters run deep. And ships that sail don't return to port.

Standing Still

Every person that you are involved with is a lesson. Right now, I am learning privacy. I am very close to my girlfriends, I choose them carefully, I've known most of them for years, and so we share a lot. ALL of them are telling me to get out of the current situation that I'm in. I've heard preaching, fussing, coaxing, and some of them even cared enough and understood me enough to not ruin the ending and just hand me a bulletproof vest. I love them the most, because at the end of the day, I don't know how this is going to end, but it's not going to end right now. I might be in a horrible situation. This guy could have a puerto rican family on the side! But it's my ending to play out. No one else's. I'm starting to understand the value of privacy. Your girls want to share the happy moments all well as the sad and bad, but in this case, I need to keep it all to myself. When I find out where this is going, or what I am doing, they can either blow bubbles at my wedding (rice kills the birds) or help me set his car on fire. But until that point, I'm in this one alone. With him.

Looking Forward

I have never felt this way about anyone. And I've felt some ways about some people! He is really everything I want right now. He knows what I like, he knows who I am, and refuses to tell me too much. Believe it or not, that's perfect. It's like Wale says, we have the luxury of not knowing each other. But he knows enough about me to make me stay. I think one of my good guy friends was right. I don't need a man right now, I need to focus on my career. It was like deja vu to hear that, because I know it's true. I would focus my energy on that person, and making them happy. It would make me satisfied to see them well taken care of. But I have a greater purpose, so the situation I'm in now is perfect. I cant' have too much of him. He teaches me things, he's patient with me, he's got the same mouth I have, and he makes me nervous! Honestly, if you can't shut me up, there's no point in talking to me. He has no problem putting me on hushmouth, haha. This could very easily end in heartbreak, shit it probably will. But in the meantime, I am occupied, and happy about it.

Careful What You Wish For

Honestly...I don't think I'd know what to do if I was the center of someone's attention who I really cared for. I'm so busy worrying about everyone else all the time that if someone showed me that same care, I'd probably be invalid or something...I don't even know!

I think I'm too trusting to be in love. Too honest & loyal. Too real. The world is full of bullshit, and my heels would just sink into the ground. I'm listening to music about beautiful women, by the men who love us. I'm not sure I could handle someone focusing their energies on me.

Often, I wonder if I've already met my husband. Ultimately, that's the end goal, but would I want to be married now? Hell naw. It just puzzles me how people just appear in your life! After a chance meeting, relationships blossom and people become flirters or friends or lovers or enemies...it's just curious. And so am I.

I think I'm curious to see how it would be if someone loved me the way I'm capable of loving someone else. But I'm being careful. I'm not wishing for anything, just wondering. And how do you tell a person that they haven't even begun to scratch the surafce of who you are? How do you explain that they need to shine because your light is so bright that you need them to shine too? How do you tell them that you NEED to shine because you don't know how to do anything else? How do you really express that part of the reason you shine is for them, because of them? And what do you do when they don't understand, can't deal, and they leave?

I wish the future is bright.

Drug of Choice

Truth be told, we're all on skag. 'Cept we don't call it skag no more. Not skin popping, not none of that. But we all on something or other.

Some people actually use drugs...sometimes I wish I was that privileged, to turn to another substance to disappear from the depths of my own abyss...but I'm not. And sometimes I thank God that He has a greater purpose for me. It's not the substance, but I still get high. For some people it's the liquor, the pill, Mary Jane, sex, or a whole host of other drugs.

For me, it will always be, has always been, is right now...Love. Stupid shit. I gotta be the most down to Mars female you've ever met, but sometimes I just feel like a fucking loon...sorta like the way a junkie nods his head or smokers have red eyes, drunkards slur their words, and I, I lean into my pillow like he's the man I wish was there. It's all types of love though, not just what is it? Agape? It's the passion for what I do, for discovering who I am, for discovering who can handle, and love all of that.

It's movies and books and plenty other arts that I get lost in, just as unhealthy as anything else, my defender and my prosecutor all at once. Time will pass, and I'll wonder, "Damn, was I on that?!" But right now, I'm not clean, I'm not in rehab, and I'm not caring. I'm a user...but I can't quit anytime I want to.

Market Price

I don't think the problem is women knowing their worth. And I find it curious that men walk around screaming that...ladies, know your worth! Are you worth this? Are you worth that? I think more than half the time, we do know our worth, but men want to pay a bargain price, and we agree to haggle. Why? Most likely because we don't feel like we have any other interested buyers. And it happens to the best of us, it's like we have to learn to accept our worth - we've known it all along.

And to all the men giving us that advice, how about you step your game up and pay the right price? Everything good doesn't come at a bargain. You pay full price for that polo shit, Louis belts and admission into the club...you can't pony up for the woman who's going to ride passenger side with you until the end? Bullshit. It's all a viscious cycle. You complain about how trash women are these days, but how good could a .99 burger be??

I know my worth. So much so that it scares me sometimes, because I don't want to seem conceited, but I think I'm a cream of the crop type woman. But where am I? Down somewhere I'm not supposed to be with a man who probably won't be around for as long as he should with the work I'm putting in. I don't know where the cream of the crop men are. I'm not dumb enough to think they don't exist, because they do, just like I do, but I don't know where they are.

And everytime I interact with certain people now, a little bit of me dies inside. That glow that I was reserving for them loses some embers. When the fire is no longer lit, they'll wonder what happened, wonder why their reliable, loving north star started shooting across the sky. He'll wonder why I disappeared, but there's only one reason.

My worth is non-negotiable.

Strategize

All of 'em say play the game...but who's really strategizing?

Here's the thing...y'all ain't smart about keeping women interested anymore. The only thing you got on us is the fact that we're afraid to lose you. If we ever get over that, y'all in some serious trouble. And to be honest, the only reason y'all have that is because there's more women out there than men, so that puts y'all at a statistical advantage. "Guess there must be more good women than men percentage-wise, so her chance of having a husband just minimized." -Yeezy

Case in point - I wish this guy I'm currently talking to would be more creative, then it would be more fun. You could at least throw me a mental curveball, but since all you know is one technique, I have to keep bunting in order not to knock it out of the park every time. (Boy, wear a metaphor out, won't we?) But seriously though. Pimps are wrong in every sense of their existence, but their mind control over women is amazing. These days, y'all want to be pimps, you even try pretty hard, but the sad truth is, we women have mind control over ourselves. We do the work and you reap all the benefits. Smh.

The real problem is, you're predictable and so is the way you treat me. So the question is, why am I still dealing with you? Eh, every woman needs something to do. I choose to continue to play the game because I want to. I get benefits out of the situation too...the cons outweigh the pros, but I like to have you as an option. In order to do that though, I have to make you feel like you're the ONLY option. That's cool, haha...you silly little creatures are more insecure than we are. And to think I was really doing all this at first...trying to be a loyal and a good girl and the one you could count on! I'll be damned, we all have to learn.

As far as new toys, always do your research ladies. Check for defects and factory recalls before you play, because right now I might be playing with fire. I always did like fire, but I'll be double damned if I inadvertently wreck a home. Never neglect your research!!

Fellas, come with it! At least challenge me, because right now, I'm playing Solitaire with you.

2011

I really haven't written here in months. Wow. I forgot this blog even existed for a little while, so much has changed and yet, so much has remained exactly the same. So I guess I'll pick up where I left off.

I'm still dealing with the same guy from the last post! Guess he had some staying power, huh? Not too much tho, because we currently aren't speaking, but that's how it always works. You take people for granted until it's too damn late. But he's trying to make me do something, and I'm specifically not doing it because he wants me to, and vice versa, so we've got time to be stupid. I hope.

The things is, I have never felt this way about anybody. Even the guys I've written about here. None of them have been the complete, entire, total package, and he is. But he'll never know because shiiid, I'll never tell em, Lol. Right now my feelings for him surface every day, but I haven't talked to him in 7 days. GO ME! In another few months, I'll probably be writing about another guy, that's the dating game. But right now I hope this one lasts. And I hope I haven't fucked it up, if anything, I hope it's his fault. o_O

Also, I got a twitter. Fun! Everyone on my timeline is going in on #typesex right now, knowing they're lying through their enamel-covered teeth. Damn shame. Now if I go in, I'll be SO wrong. And that makes me want to do it even more. We'll see.

I'm more calm. And I like it. Life still has its ups and downs, I've experienced at least 4 emotional periods today, but that's the beauty of it. Looking back at all I've written though, I feel like I've grown. I sure hope so.