WOO-HOO!! This is my 100th post for {DD}, and we officially have over 500 visitors!! On this momentus occasion, I just want to thank everyone who supports this blog, especially my most faithful reader, The BrotherMan. As I said in the beginning, this blog is more for me than anyone else, but to know that I have quite possibly touched another person in some form or another is enlightening. So, we celebrate today as a great anniversary for my {DeLiCiOuS DiArY}, and I hope that if the food is to your liking, you will continue to come here to be filled.
Now, most of my posts come from questions, or inquiries, and I don't think they'll stop anytime soon. Oddly enough, I was looking at a barage of facebook statuses, and it seems as though a lot of us around the same age are going through the same problems, but instead of being a band of brothers, we all feel isolated. I saw so many comments about fake friends, longing for love, loneliness, happiness, and some people just being -- just expressing themselves to the world. Why is it like this, I wonder? How can you feel alone in a room full of people? And what about those people in your life who are seasons, who are not meant to stay, but you must admit that you're sad to see them go...Why is it that we must walk this journey alone, when all around us, others are moving towards the same destinations? The answer to this question, I fear, is ever-elusive.
And while I write this, celebrating anniversaries and continuing quest-beginning inquiries, I am bothered by a question that weighs on my min like an Acme anvil (shoutout to my fellow coyote): What is it with addicitions to the opposite sex? Eight years ago, I was enamored with my high school guy, I was doing fine not thinking about anyone in college, then a new obsession wafted my way like secondhand smoke, he found his way up my nosrils and into my brain, and I was taken. That didn't quite pan out, but I couldn't get over him until someone new came along. I couldn't get over my high school "beau" until he came along. And the new one I'm stuck on has me paralyzed until a new addiciton presents itself to me. Ha. And I'm not the only one, I think. I took a small poll, and it's happening to a lot of us. But why? Maybe now that we're not children, and not so easily distracted by television and games, we need something else to distract us - the master of disguise - love. A curious thought...no pun intended, ok, maybe a little pun intended.
Until next post...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Multiplicity
I often have more than one thing on my mind, and tonight is no exception. This entry is one of love and hate, or a variation of each, anyway. In the department of the former, me and my friend are trying to break bad habits. Both of us are dealing with like interests that could possibly go somewhere, but it's more of a possibility that they'll keep standing right where we left both of them -- in limbo. It's funny how in a relationship, there's never an equal amount of information shared, unless you're married. One person knows the other person likes them more, one person will never know what the other one thinks, and confusion leads to chaos. I like him, I do, and he said that he liked me too, and not the kind that guys say because you pause and wait for their response, the kind of information that he volunteered. But ironically enough, I can never fully believe him. How do I know that he's not just reciprocating my feelings? Or he knows how I feel (because I clearly told him) and he's just gassin me up? And I thought back on it, and ironically enough again, there was a time when I had the upper-hand. I didn't know how he felt at all, and he may have liked me, and I treated him just like any other regular person on the street. Funny, isn't it? Cause now I jump when my phone vibrates, hoping that after the second violent shake my phone will exclaim the gentle tune of "A Night Off" by Drake. My, how the tables have turned. And I don't want to smother him, so I keep at a distance, but that random text is so hard to resist.
Speaking of which, it's also very hard to resist action against someone you dislike. I don't dislike people for no reason at all, and usually I do so because they have committed some type of wrong against me. In this case, a girl is picking up the disrespect where her best friend left off, and all I can think about is...well, that's a little graphic. Let's just say I'm tired of being the bigger person. I am an ADULT. I don't have time for these childish luxuries. And what's more, is the girl is dead wrong. She's misunderstanding the situation and blatantly attacking me. Now I haven't ever physically attacked anyone in my life, but I'm about at that breaking point. And then, how do you decide what to do? One part of me is screaming to leave it alone and continue to be mature, another part is telling me to make and example out of her, and one voice is wondering what other people are thinking of me, and the other one doesn't really give a flying fuck. All thorugh the turmoil with this girls best friend, I held my peace. Now, I'm about ready to leave somebody in pieces. Right now, I'm still on the high road, trying to stay calm, but detour signs for the low road keep catching my attention.
And what kind of sense does it make that my heart and my head can be half thinking of love and half of hate? I guess there really is a fine line.
Speaking of which, it's also very hard to resist action against someone you dislike. I don't dislike people for no reason at all, and usually I do so because they have committed some type of wrong against me. In this case, a girl is picking up the disrespect where her best friend left off, and all I can think about is...well, that's a little graphic. Let's just say I'm tired of being the bigger person. I am an ADULT. I don't have time for these childish luxuries. And what's more, is the girl is dead wrong. She's misunderstanding the situation and blatantly attacking me. Now I haven't ever physically attacked anyone in my life, but I'm about at that breaking point. And then, how do you decide what to do? One part of me is screaming to leave it alone and continue to be mature, another part is telling me to make and example out of her, and one voice is wondering what other people are thinking of me, and the other one doesn't really give a flying fuck. All thorugh the turmoil with this girls best friend, I held my peace. Now, I'm about ready to leave somebody in pieces. Right now, I'm still on the high road, trying to stay calm, but detour signs for the low road keep catching my attention.
And what kind of sense does it make that my heart and my head can be half thinking of love and half of hate? I guess there really is a fine line.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Premonition
"If I woulda knew the girl next door woulda been you..."
I had a friend say today that he wished he had the power of premonition, basically to see about relationships. An interesting thought, and an interesting power to have. Only I think if he could do that, it would be like that tv show "That's So Raven", and he would end up causing the very things he saw in his visions. I think that because I think people in love (and all variations of it) try to avoid hurt feelings. What they don't realize is that love is ALL feelings, including the hurtful ones. It is joy, laughter, fun, pain, sadness, loneliness, togetherness, seduction, like, lust, everything! Love encompasses all these feelings, and until we embrace that fact, we are doomed to repeat common blunders that newly arrived lovers make.
"We can't be friends, cause I'm still in love with you..."
Boy, boy, boy. I tell ya. You young whippersnappers call yourselves trying to save one another...didn't your hear Cupid Valentino? He carries a pistol! Okay, lemme stop playing. How are you supposed to feel when someone likes you so much that they can't be with you? What type of shit is that? I mean, usually there's some external reason why you two can't be together, but sometimes that person doesn't even tell you what the reason is. Then you're walking around all bitter-faced until one day you find out that person was trying to protect you, trying to protect themselves, from the power of the attraction you two felt. It's no secret, this reason has ruined many a relationship in every stage, and it's a bittersweet thing. You should feel honored, flattered that a person puts so much stock in you that they cannot bear to be around you and not have you. On the other hand, it is disheartening to know that you and this person will never be together. Well, I shouldn't say never, but time is a colossal factor in deeds of love. There's pain if you're together, there's pain if you're apart. So what do you do? That's another question that stands unanswered in the middle of a moonlit street, where I met him last, a meeting witnessed only by the stars. All I know is that at this juncture, we can't be friends.
I had a friend say today that he wished he had the power of premonition, basically to see about relationships. An interesting thought, and an interesting power to have. Only I think if he could do that, it would be like that tv show "That's So Raven", and he would end up causing the very things he saw in his visions. I think that because I think people in love (and all variations of it) try to avoid hurt feelings. What they don't realize is that love is ALL feelings, including the hurtful ones. It is joy, laughter, fun, pain, sadness, loneliness, togetherness, seduction, like, lust, everything! Love encompasses all these feelings, and until we embrace that fact, we are doomed to repeat common blunders that newly arrived lovers make.
"We can't be friends, cause I'm still in love with you..."
Boy, boy, boy. I tell ya. You young whippersnappers call yourselves trying to save one another...didn't your hear Cupid Valentino? He carries a pistol! Okay, lemme stop playing. How are you supposed to feel when someone likes you so much that they can't be with you? What type of shit is that? I mean, usually there's some external reason why you two can't be together, but sometimes that person doesn't even tell you what the reason is. Then you're walking around all bitter-faced until one day you find out that person was trying to protect you, trying to protect themselves, from the power of the attraction you two felt. It's no secret, this reason has ruined many a relationship in every stage, and it's a bittersweet thing. You should feel honored, flattered that a person puts so much stock in you that they cannot bear to be around you and not have you. On the other hand, it is disheartening to know that you and this person will never be together. Well, I shouldn't say never, but time is a colossal factor in deeds of love. There's pain if you're together, there's pain if you're apart. So what do you do? That's another question that stands unanswered in the middle of a moonlit street, where I met him last, a meeting witnessed only by the stars. All I know is that at this juncture, we can't be friends.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
How to Lose A Guy...period
"You walked into the party, like you were walking onto a yacht..."
I am so Andy Anderson right now. What happened to the cute, sexy, smart, funny Andy? I don't know. I was looking at old pictures and realized there's been a power shift. I used to be in control. I used to be in control because I didn't know you liked me. Well I'll be damned if I didn't find out and go all goo-goo on you. Oops, sorry. That's one for sure way to lose a guy...period. I gotta get it back together, get back on my game. And you know I hate games, well, actually you don't, because we haven't really gotten to know each other, which is why I have to PTG. See, if you knew me, we'd already have an understanding, but since you don't...ugh.
"BULL-shit!"
One sure way to lose a girl is to disrespect her; actually, that goes for anyone. And two of my friends are going through it. I hope they patch things up, really. He realized his mistake, a common one, one of the top ten probably, but it just might be too late. In any case, he's going to have to suffer. She, in the meantime, has to find a way to forgive him because whether he realizes it or not, he lost some measure fo trust. She trusted him not to abuse her, and he betraed that trust. I think they can find each other again, the question is, when will that be? And how many people will be affected in the meantime?
Andy wrote about how to lose a guy in 10 days, but there are certain ways to lose anyone, period.
I am so Andy Anderson right now. What happened to the cute, sexy, smart, funny Andy? I don't know. I was looking at old pictures and realized there's been a power shift. I used to be in control. I used to be in control because I didn't know you liked me. Well I'll be damned if I didn't find out and go all goo-goo on you. Oops, sorry. That's one for sure way to lose a guy...period. I gotta get it back together, get back on my game. And you know I hate games, well, actually you don't, because we haven't really gotten to know each other, which is why I have to PTG. See, if you knew me, we'd already have an understanding, but since you don't...ugh.
"BULL-shit!"
One sure way to lose a girl is to disrespect her; actually, that goes for anyone. And two of my friends are going through it. I hope they patch things up, really. He realized his mistake, a common one, one of the top ten probably, but it just might be too late. In any case, he's going to have to suffer. She, in the meantime, has to find a way to forgive him because whether he realizes it or not, he lost some measure fo trust. She trusted him not to abuse her, and he betraed that trust. I think they can find each other again, the question is, when will that be? And how many people will be affected in the meantime?
Andy wrote about how to lose a guy in 10 days, but there are certain ways to lose anyone, period.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Freeflow 8
"Hands down, I'm too proud for love, but with eyes shut, it's you I'm thinking of..."
You know what I find peculiar? When I like a guy, I dream about him. Hope that doesn't sound stalkerish, cuz it's true! And my dreams are never, and I mean never normal, so he could be anything from a main character to a man making a cameo appearance. Another sleepless night, another {DD} post. Ha, I really do write at the twilight hours. And I can't tell you how many good poems I've lost because I was too lazy to rollover and find a pen and paper. But that's beside the point. It feels wonderful to be writing a freeflow again.
I feel bad because I can't see him. I...just can't see him in the state he's in. I went at the worst, and I know I can do the best but this in-between stage, I can't handle for some reason, and it eats me alive every time I go home. He knows, he knows I will always love him somewhere in this heart of mine, but I...I don't know. If that's true, then why can't I go see him? Because I can sit next to him but I'll have to text all correspondence? Because he's not the him that I remember? Because I might be fucking uncomfortable. HE is what's important, but I might be uncomfortable. Bullshit, right? But I don't want to be uncomfortable around him. I want to laugh, and play, and give him a hard time, like I'm used to. But nothing will ever be like it used to.
"I hope they never find out what they already know, know, know...as soon as its official, we'll have to let it go, go, go..."
Can I be selfish? Can I be a thief in the night and steal moments with you? Could I pull of the biggest heist for your heart? But I don't want stolen goods, no matter how good they make me feel. Cause you've got that whip-appeal! Lmao...silly me. I hate to jump when my phone rings, thinking it's you, and it's another damn facebook party invitation or message, that frustrates me. I set a ringtone that's just for you, so when I hear it, I'll know exactly who it is. But I don't think you'll call. Six degrees of separation, seven digits away, eight minutes since your last text, nine clouds until bliss, ten times intensified is the pain I feel, because I can count all I want, but it won't bring me not a minute, or a mile, or a mistletoe closer to your kiss, so there's a few more numbers to count. You're the one that got away, because our two is a three, I don't know what four (for), but high five to the girl who got there first, although I'd like to be infinity, our number is non-linear, it doesn't even exist in reality. Until...next lifetime I guess...I'll meet you in my dreams, still hoping for the day that my phone rings, but I won't count on it.
You know what I find peculiar? When I like a guy, I dream about him. Hope that doesn't sound stalkerish, cuz it's true! And my dreams are never, and I mean never normal, so he could be anything from a main character to a man making a cameo appearance. Another sleepless night, another {DD} post. Ha, I really do write at the twilight hours. And I can't tell you how many good poems I've lost because I was too lazy to rollover and find a pen and paper. But that's beside the point. It feels wonderful to be writing a freeflow again.
I feel bad because I can't see him. I...just can't see him in the state he's in. I went at the worst, and I know I can do the best but this in-between stage, I can't handle for some reason, and it eats me alive every time I go home. He knows, he knows I will always love him somewhere in this heart of mine, but I...I don't know. If that's true, then why can't I go see him? Because I can sit next to him but I'll have to text all correspondence? Because he's not the him that I remember? Because I might be fucking uncomfortable. HE is what's important, but I might be uncomfortable. Bullshit, right? But I don't want to be uncomfortable around him. I want to laugh, and play, and give him a hard time, like I'm used to. But nothing will ever be like it used to.
"I hope they never find out what they already know, know, know...as soon as its official, we'll have to let it go, go, go..."
Can I be selfish? Can I be a thief in the night and steal moments with you? Could I pull of the biggest heist for your heart? But I don't want stolen goods, no matter how good they make me feel. Cause you've got that whip-appeal! Lmao...silly me. I hate to jump when my phone rings, thinking it's you, and it's another damn facebook party invitation or message, that frustrates me. I set a ringtone that's just for you, so when I hear it, I'll know exactly who it is. But I don't think you'll call. Six degrees of separation, seven digits away, eight minutes since your last text, nine clouds until bliss, ten times intensified is the pain I feel, because I can count all I want, but it won't bring me not a minute, or a mile, or a mistletoe closer to your kiss, so there's a few more numbers to count. You're the one that got away, because our two is a three, I don't know what four (for), but high five to the girl who got there first, although I'd like to be infinity, our number is non-linear, it doesn't even exist in reality. Until...next lifetime I guess...I'll meet you in my dreams, still hoping for the day that my phone rings, but I won't count on it.
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