Geez, Graham!

Okay, okay, okay. I'm gonna need everyone to stop hating on Graham so hard. Wondering what I'm referring to? Read the story at:

www.wherekandycoatedreigndrops.wordpress.com

It's a very good short story by a very good friend of mine, and I am having a ball reading it. It's being released in episodes, and I almost want to wait until it's done in order to stop the torture, but I can't resist reading it every time I see a new post.

But Graham is not the bad guy that everyone thinks he is. Yes, his actions in the grocery store were completely shady, and yes, he is somewhat stringing Kandyce along, but c'mon, that, ladies and gentleman, is the nature of college relationships. Don't pretend it isn't. To me, G.Dot is exactly where he needs to be in terms of maturity. And, no, you can't compare him to Stokely, because Stokely is ahead of the curve. Y'all stop hating on Graham. You're only doing it because you know someone just like him, and you really like that person, but sometimes his mannerisms and actions irk you. Graham is that person. But he's growing...don't stunt him with your critcisms. He has to go through this, be this way, in order to be a better man. People take different paths, and this is his. I'm not advocating everything he does, and if you're reading the story, I'm learning about him just like you are, so he could take a turn for the worst and prove me wrong, but right now, I think G.Dot is just becoming a man. Seriously, y'all. Cut the brother some slack.

Starving

You know how they say you have to feel sadness in order to appreciate happiness? Well, can you appreciate being single if you've never been in a relationship? Because right now, I don't think so. I've never had a boyfriend. And I am (not gonna tell you anything specific), but I'm pretty old not to have had one. I've had crushes, a lot of flirtation, but no call-me-yours-i'll-call-you-mine-until-we-decide-otherwise boyfriend. No, really. And when I was in middle school, and even in high school, it used to really bug me. I mean, everyone around me had a counterpart, but I was always the odd man out. Peculiar. Now that I've left high school, some years after actually, I've had a couple guys tell me they were interested in me. But where were they when I was dropping liquid from my retina and my mom was convincing me that there was nothing wrong with me? And these guys, even so, are not ones that I was interested in (I know, I know) but it's true. It's my true honest feelings. Like if I was starving I'd only eat what I wanted. I feel starved for love. And once, I was influenced by the lovers around me, and I wanted affection too, so I flirted with a stranger, made him my interest, but in the end, I knew he wasn't anything special, and I knew I had made a mistake by riling him up.

Anyway, I don't think I can like being single, being alone like thi until I have been an "us". I know that being in a relationship, any relationship, is a compromise, and oddly enough, that's a lesson I'm learning from having visitors in my house right now. I want my things the way I want them, and I'm having to bend to other people's wishes, and it makes me want to be alone again. I'm not saying that to say that I want to have a boyfriend in order to appreciate being alone, I'm just acknowledging the risks of this one becoming a two.

"If you ask me tomorrow, I'll say the same thing, I am ready for love."

And I really, truly feel like I am. I keep trying to convince myself that this is in God's pla for me, to be patient, but I'm becoming less and less persuasive. One of my best friends told me that when I find love (specifically me for some reason) it's going to be really, really good. Like my own personal fairytale. And even if me and him break-up, the next one is going to be like that too. Why? Because I deserve it. Really, I think those are just her well-wishes for me, but I guess it would be nice to have something really, really good. Other times I think that I'm supposed to establish myself and my career first, so that when I find him, I won't just get eneveloped in him, and if I do, it'll be just fine to do so. Yeah, these are the crazy thoughts that swirl around in my head. But here's the catch:

And I might lose someone here, but I get to be picky! Yes! I do! I refuse to settle for just any old man, a pizza man (piece-of-man) or anything less than what I want! Beggars can't be choosers, but I'm not begging for love, I'm just ready. I get so lonely laying in this bed at night, I get so bored having no one to text but my girlfriends, I get discouraged and I think that I'm not worthy to love. But I am worthy. Worthy of a man who is smart, funny, handsome (by MY standards), makes me tingle when I see him, I msile before I even open his text message, love to see him online on facebook because I can't think of anything good to say to him, but I like that we're in the same cyber-space at the same time, and if I was with him, no matter for how long, I would be purely happy. There's a lot more to that, like respecting me, loving and fearing God, and other things, but yeah.

I know he's out there. Often I wonder if I met him already, but he's out there. I wonder if he can hear my stomach growling.

Freeflow 9

I've had some posts. Some thoughts that I couldn't articulate because I was scared. I mean, there are people out there who know who I am. Can you write in a diary if people can read it? My father always said, never write anything down that you don't want anyone to read. Well, I guess now I don't care if you read it. Like I've always said, I would like to live free of inhibitions, but with that comes consequences, and if this brings consequences, so be it. But when I'm feeling like I am, like a big, huge gaping hole...with fire smoldering the edges...and high, derisive laughter bellowing from the inside...writing helps. First of all, there's this feeling. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and get knocked down 7 flights of stairs. EVERY time something good threatens to happen to me lately, ugly rears it's ugly head and puts me in my place. But this is not my place. I don't even like it here. It's cold, dark, lonely, and most of all, depressing. As a matter of fact, I hate it here, but the rent is paid up, so I can't break the lease, I guess. It starts with my finances. If it's not that, it's my academics, if it's not that, it's my family, if it's not that, it's the fact that I am all alone. I think I will make this more than one post...catch up on the thoughts I've been thinking and haven't been writing.