Estrogen

I'm such a woman! Mood swings like I'm on a country porch in the South! Now I'm smiling for no apparent reason, and my feelings were so hurt in that last post! They'll still be hurt for awhile, but slowly, surely, you get over it. And that's the part I love. Not lying to myself and knowing that whatever happens, I can keep moving forward. I'm winning more than I think I am. Yes!!

Done-zo

I've been reading the same book for two weeks. Reading slowly, a few pages at a time, trying to avoid the part where Miah dies. I knew once I read that part, I would have to finish the book. And once I finished the book, I would have to write this.

It almost feels like my fingers are crying. Like they're reluctant to tell me the truth. It doesn't even feel like I'm writing. It feels like I'm reading Tom Riddle's diary, the words spilling out to me, black over a white screen. I am amazingly dramatic, but all of this is accurate. We're done. The closest I have ever come to falling in love in my short span of living and it's over. I feel crazy. I feel foolish because yet again, communication has ceased between myself and someone I considered myself close to. Why can people let me go so easily? Why is it so effortless to drop me like...like I never even mattered? That's the part that gets me. I give myself to people so wholly, honestly, and effortlesly. I guess that's why. They don't have to fight for anything. They don't earn me. But that's stupid. Why should there be a fight? I don't think there should be. My best friend told me that about myself, that I kind of live by the golden rule, but the problem with that is, I'm the only one. But I'm really not good at deceiving people, putting up walls or trying to be someone I'm not. And if the day ever comes that I do put up a wall, I think it would be the great wall of fcuking China, which is why I don't build walls. I build bridges, and as easily as they connect me to people, people take those same bridges and walk out of my life. My feelings are hurt. And I'm mourning Miah. I'm emotional. And it's over. We're done-zo.

For Sure, For Sure

Wanna know how I know I'm fucked up in the head? I love that Rihanna "We Found Love" video. It looks like fun to me. Ain't that crazy? But it does. I'm so poised and in control on a daily basis, I think it would be wonderful to lose control and lose myself in another person, even if only for awhile. This is probably yet another reason why God doesn't see fit to give me someone of my own right now, haha. But really though. I was thinking about that today. My lover, I mean. He'll have to be someone FULL of strength, because I am a helluva lot to deal with, and he will have to have strength when I have none, which is an extremely serious job. I'm sick a lot, he will have to know that when I can't eat anything, he should feed me an orange. He should know I like milk before bed, and that if he reads to me, I will love him for an eternity for every page he turns. He must know that you can usually tell what kind of day I'm having by my hairstyle, and that I hate makeup, but I will still wear eyes & lips when I'm going out. He especially has to know that I only want to argue for fun, and that as confident as I am, as soon as he touches me, I am as shy as I've never been before. I need him to understand that I need his encouragement, and that sometimes I need to complain, and sometimes I just need to cry. He should never be jealous of anyone I love, and he should understand that I must love me more than I love him, just in case, but he should love me for my honesty and my intelligence. And it would be nice if he knew that when I say I'm okay, I'm usually not. And when I say I love him, I've said "I love you" to a man before, but when I say it to him, I mean it with every syllable in the word, that I've been waiting for him for over 2 decades, and that he has me sprung like a mattress, so when I say it, I'm thinking about the last breath that I might need, and instead of saving it, I chose to proclaim my love for him.

This is gonna be hella funny when I look back and read it.