Freeflow 9

I've had some posts. Some thoughts that I couldn't articulate because I was scared. I mean, there are people out there who know who I am. Can you write in a diary if people can read it? My father always said, never write anything down that you don't want anyone to read. Well, I guess now I don't care if you read it. Like I've always said, I would like to live free of inhibitions, but with that comes consequences, and if this brings consequences, so be it. But when I'm feeling like I am, like a big, huge gaping hole...with fire smoldering the edges...and high, derisive laughter bellowing from the inside...writing helps. First of all, there's this feeling. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and get knocked down 7 flights of stairs. EVERY time something good threatens to happen to me lately, ugly rears it's ugly head and puts me in my place. But this is not my place. I don't even like it here. It's cold, dark, lonely, and most of all, depressing. As a matter of fact, I hate it here, but the rent is paid up, so I can't break the lease, I guess. It starts with my finances. If it's not that, it's my academics, if it's not that, it's my family, if it's not that, it's the fact that I am all alone. I think I will make this more than one post...catch up on the thoughts I've been thinking and haven't been writing.