For Sure, For Sure

Wanna know how I know I'm fucked up in the head? I love that Rihanna "We Found Love" video. It looks like fun to me. Ain't that crazy? But it does. I'm so poised and in control on a daily basis, I think it would be wonderful to lose control and lose myself in another person, even if only for awhile. This is probably yet another reason why God doesn't see fit to give me someone of my own right now, haha. But really though. I was thinking about that today. My lover, I mean. He'll have to be someone FULL of strength, because I am a helluva lot to deal with, and he will have to have strength when I have none, which is an extremely serious job. I'm sick a lot, he will have to know that when I can't eat anything, he should feed me an orange. He should know I like milk before bed, and that if he reads to me, I will love him for an eternity for every page he turns. He must know that you can usually tell what kind of day I'm having by my hairstyle, and that I hate makeup, but I will still wear eyes & lips when I'm going out. He especially has to know that I only want to argue for fun, and that as confident as I am, as soon as he touches me, I am as shy as I've never been before. I need him to understand that I need his encouragement, and that sometimes I need to complain, and sometimes I just need to cry. He should never be jealous of anyone I love, and he should understand that I must love me more than I love him, just in case, but he should love me for my honesty and my intelligence. And it would be nice if he knew that when I say I'm okay, I'm usually not. And when I say I love him, I've said "I love you" to a man before, but when I say it to him, I mean it with every syllable in the word, that I've been waiting for him for over 2 decades, and that he has me sprung like a mattress, so when I say it, I'm thinking about the last breath that I might need, and instead of saving it, I chose to proclaim my love for him.

This is gonna be hella funny when I look back and read it.