Exhale

Life comes at you so fast sometimes! Things can go from being really good to really bad in a matter of minutes, one phone call, one conversation, etc. This goes vice versa too, but in this case, for this post, things went from good to bad for me. I can't complain too much, because things could have always been worse, but compared to what they were, things took a sideways turn this weekend.

I try not to stay focused on the bad, which is one reason I write. It helps me to release these feelings, leave them on the page and walk away, or just lessen them. My best friend feels like everything we do has consequences, I mean everything. Like some story she told me, can't remember if it was a comedian who said it, that he stole a pack of cookies then was locked out of his house so ended up paying a locksmith $45, so it was like $45 for a pack of cookies. Sometimes I wonder if it's really like that, because I can think of something that I might be being punished for in conjunction with the turn of events this weekend, but I would seriously hope that was not the case.

Now I have to go and clean up the mess. I have to deal with the consequences of everything that has happened, but I can't stop moving, I have to keep going, keep pushing forward. Speaking of which, the guy I met, the one that I don't fully like...he wanted to go out tonight, and I would have, but I just really wasn't in the mood after all this. I felt kind of bad, but I knew if I went, I was just gonna transfer my negative energy to him, and if he tried to cheer me up and make me laugh (like he suggested he would) unless it was really funny, he was just going to annoy me, and it wouldn't really be his fault, so I chose to stay home. He pressed the issue a bit, but eventually he just told me he hoped everything would turn out ok. Whew! That was like a breath of fresh air, like he was giving me a little space to get it together, and it felt great! I don't know whether or not he was cussing me out in his head, or whether he has x'd me off the list or what, but I'm sorry that it just so happens all of this is happening after I met him, and I'm happy that he let me have some space.

This has just been one of those times that I need to exhale. Not like everything is finally right so I cam breathe exhale, or I finally found the man of my dreams exhale, but like, this part is over exhale, and I realize that this may be the calm before the storm, so I will exhale, take a moment, before I draw in this deep breath and prepare my war cry (lol). It's just an exhale kind of moment.

WHY???

Why don't I fully like this man? I feel like I know the answer, but the question to that answer is whether it's really him, or whether it's me trying to distance myself from him...

Nope! It's him.

Cute man, could be to die for cute, but his personality is losing him major points. We've only even hung out once, and he's super clingy. Not cool. And I'm not being ungrateful at all, because I've wanted this kind of attention from a cute man, but this is getting ridiculous. You don't even know my last name but you want to help me find a job? I think you should be more concerned about paying for your car insurance. Yes, today he told me he's been stuck in the house all week because his car insurance got cancelled, so he was dying to see me again, but if he did, I would have to drive. Y'all, I swear I'm not one of those too-bourgeois broads who doesn't know how to "have fun without funds" or doesn't mind helping her man sometimes. But this is not what I had in mind. Number one, I really still don't know him from Adam, and him asking me to hang out everyday, all day is not making me move any faster. I happen to have job opportunities on deck, and I'm sorry, but even though you say I'm number one on your priority list (yeah, scary, right?) you're NOT on mine.

Why have you been stuck in the house all week if you have a cousin who lives with you with a car? Listening to your history, you've moved quite a few times since you've moved to this state...I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin, I look for signs like these. Is this brother unstable? Is he looking for me to be a sugar mama? Is that why he's being so needy and annoying? Not working on me bro. YOU DON"T KNOW ME!! I DON"T KNOW YOU!! And we can't get to know each other because the little things that I'm finding out about you make you suspect!! And I'm not looking to support you in any way, form or fashion, but by the same token, I'm not expecting for you to do it for me either. Dutch is fine. And when I say call me after 6:30 and you call me at 10:45 expecting for me to come over or to come take you to Taco Bell, it doesn't exactly inspire romance. Then when I say I thought you were going to call, I made other plans (which is actually spending time with my family which I don't get to do very often anymore) understand that! When I take control cuz you're acting like a little bitch to me, and I say, we're going to the movies tomorrow at 9, and I'll pick *you* up, don't text back and say but I wanna see you now! I just told you now's not a good time!!

And please, understand y'all, I am not this hard on men. Especially reading my previous stuff, you'd think I'd be soooo happy to have this interest, but damn, he's coming on way too strong for me, and he seems suspect, and this is not my hometown, this is strangerland, and he is a stranger. Why do I feel this way? I just told you. And I might be wrong, but I don't think so. I really think it's him. He's got a winning hand, but right now he's playing his cards all wrong.

Honesty Box

My first thoughts would be to back you into the darkest corner of the room, my hand gently pressed against your abdomen, leading you to what will soon become bliss. I would firmly press my body against yours, rippling muscles matched to soft curves, skin to skin, separated by only a thin layer of clothing. Then, I would put my hands on your hips, and slide my soft hands under your polo shirt. I’d glide them up the sides of your body, removing your shirt - the last obstacle between me and your beautiful brown skin. I would use my fingertips, and with the lightest touch, trace your finely chiseled chest, and bodies only inches apart, breathing rapidly in anticipation. I’d put my arms around you, pull you into me, and search your strong back with those same fingertips, and when my palm found the back of your neck, I’d pull your handsome face close to mine, eyes closed as if in a dream, and I’d let you enjoy the softness of my lips, gentle at first, but becoming fierce, as your tongue searches for it’s soulmate between my lips. And before we finished this dance of oral rhythm, I’d stop slowly, and allow my supple lips to brush across the side of your face, easing down to this spot on your neck that’s been haunting me for weeks. Not marked by x, I would suck gently, then firmly, then forcefully, leaving my own mark there, then tracing it in repetition with my tongue, as you moan with pleasure. It’s not odd for me to hear a man moan, it’s a reward, and I expect to grant you the same as you realize that I’ve taken control, and decide to turn the tables. A small giggle escapes me, nefarious in tone, when your strong, brown hands grab me by my thighs and hoist me up to your nature. I love the feel of your firmness, and I wrap my hands and arms tighter around your neck, both to steady myself and to be as close to you as humanly possible. We rumble. Forceful kisses, your grip of my thighs strengthens, I refuse to let you go. Still no x, you find the spot on my neck that makes me emit more than a small gasp. I push you against the wall, the pleasure too much for me, I grab at the wall with the palm of my hand flat, my fingers slowly drawing into each other while you make me understand who’s really in charge. But it’s not a struggle of power, it’s an expression of passion. It’s vast unseen cosmos and beautiful, untouched earth, it’s euphoria and comfort, strength and sensuality. It’s our first kiss.

Ok, now that you've read it...let me explain it. It's me in rare form, thinking about every detail of a beautiful moment. The gift and curse of being a writer, and like me, long-winded. Wrote this quite awhile ago, recently found it, so I thought I'd share. Don't judge me bro, lol.

Obsessed

"I'm trying to forget that I'm addicted to you...but I want it, and I need it, I'm addicted to you!"

Okay, so I have completely solidified my theory that you have to have a new obsession in order to get over a current/old one. Case in point - me. I forgot all the names I assigned to people on here, and I'm too lazy to go look, so...I had this guy in my head, almost in my heart, couldn't stop thinking about him. We ended up miles apart, worlds apart, but I couldn't get him out of my head, like the songs, for real! I knew there was no future there, but the thoughts wouldn't stop flowing. I recently started dating (I guess) someone closer to me, someone with whom a future is still not possible (by my prediciton) but being around someone else, makes me forget about guy #1. Now I can't lie, I still think about him sometimes, but it doesn't seem as crucial.

It is such a for lack of a better word, bad feeling to want something you can't have. Inaccessibility leads to infatuation, which leads all kinds of ways. But this new guy...

I don't see it happening. I mean, I'm honest here, so don't be surprised at my picky-ness. He has a kid, and not everybody with a kid is a drawback, but I'd really rather he didn't. Not to mention a kid means a baby mama. Not for me. He seems cool, he's like level 7.5 out of 10 cute (former guy was level 8) he likes to laugh. But he's particular about his things, which is ok, but some people are like anal about their stuff - *twisted face* get over it. I don't want people messing up my stuff either, but there's a point where that just become ridiculous. But he was so sweet, very gentleman-like too. He thought some stuff was funny that I didn't, which is always slightly awkward, but all in all, I'd give our first date a 6.

Here's the thing tho - I'm not obsessed with him. Which is a good thing. It makes any other infatuation I have a lot less important, but at the same time, I'm not wrapped up in him now. He actually surprised me, because he thinks I'm beautiful, *sexy*, yes, I just said sexy, and from one date he deduced that I have a good heart, lol. Know I know some of that is game, yes, it sure is, but even so, it feels wonderful to have someone notice. I'm being careful not to create a fantasy out of it, but still, it's nice. I've never been noticed like this before. Oh yeah, it seems from this blog that I have a lot of action, but I really don't. No relationships. Ever. 3 guys I had a crush on or interest in the last 8 or 9 years, and maybe a few I shamelessly flirt with. 1 guy who returned the interest, and by golly, I didn't even notice!!

Basically, I'm gonna have to brush up, no, LEARN how to do this. How to date, how to know that someone besides me thinks I'm sexy, yes, I said sexy again, the game of relationships if I ever get in one, and how to enjoy the single life. Even sexual issues, gotta make sure all that is right. Theory is one thing, practice is another.

But I know one thing, if I was Beyonce, I still would've stomped that girl with my stiletto. Just sayin'.