Plead the Fifth

Ok, I promised to be honest here, so I can either write this, or I can plead the fifth. I wanna be silent, but that's not me. You know what else is not me? Timid. Now, it is possible for me to be intimidated, but I'm more of a bold type (pun intended). I think I found one. And part of the reason I want to write this is to see where this goes. Life is about trial and error for sure, and in this blog, I've had trials, and some errors, not all, some just didn't work out for whatever reason. But I really like this one, and I think I scared him with my upfront-ness, lol. I'm talking playing spades with the cards up, all trust...but I don't think he was ready. Not to mention he's one of those girls-approach-me, I think he likes to chase, he has 15 likes and 27 comments on everything he does on Facebook, pretty but bad boy type guys. So, first of all, I think he's used to reeling girls in and...I'm not sure...I'd say he wants to chase, but I think females chase him, it's weird, maybe he just wants to be aware of the chase? Now, this fool writing this told him right off the bat that I like him. Yup, Sure did, and I'd do it again damnit! I made some cardinal mistakes because I was excited, and so now, I have to sit back and be still, and if he wants to interact with me, I have to let him make the first move now. Which is probably fitting since I made the first 17. Tee-hee. Don't know where it's going from here, hell, I don't know if it's going at all, or whether I dropped an anchor on the speedboat I was driving. And part of me wishes I'd have someone else to occupy my time in the meantime, or at all, but I don't. So, I'm stuck in neutral, waiting for a push or a pull or the elapse of more time. Yep.

I quit.

I'm just tired. I'm not afraid of the dark, but to borrow a line from Beyonce, I'm scared of lonely. But that's all I ever seem to be. Since I wrote my last post, I have had 2 more sordid tales of possible interests, but nothing to show for it. Back and forth, and back and forth, I'm getting dizzy. Must be, because I can't think straight long enough to decide whether I am content being single, I want to play the game, or I want to be as my sister called it, a permanent bachelorette. That might be kind of cool tho, I could have bachelorette parties all the time! No, but seriously, I'm leaning towards giving up. And I don't even want a super serious relationship, I haven't had enough practice for that. Can I get a practice game? A learning tool? But one I like? Someone who likes me? Damn! I try my best not to be, but I'm frustrated. Again. This is stupid. And I realy don't like being all emo, but right now I can't help it. I feel like I'm going to be single forever, and I don't want to. These failed attempts may even be worse than the isolation. I don't know what I feel right now, but at least I'm not too dizzy to write. It bugs me when the thoughts are so jumbled I can' even get them out. And I'm actually kind of sad about this last one. He had it all at first glance, seemed like it could've been something. But alas, he was another war wound. One that hopefully heals instead of festers, but I have a feeling this isn't the end. I have a feeling all this is going to hurt even more, and quite soon.

Government Name...

was the original name of this post. But I had to delete everything I wrote...the sordid tale of me being in love with a man that I can never have. Artie from Glee and I are on the same page in the same book, we have to "focus on dreams that [we] can make come true." And although he is a beautiful dream, the reality is a nightmare that tortures me in my sleep when he is not here to hold me. Damnit, I'm good at romanticizing shit! Lol

The point is, everything is compromised. Even though a handful of people either know or have guessed who I am, I may never reveal my government name. I can never even reveal too much of the story. Here, in this cyber space where I'm supposed to be able to say ANY and EVERY thing, I can't. In my poem book, where I want to spill it all, I can't. To my friends, who mostly have a shoulder to lend and an ear for me to bend, I simply can't tell it all. Everything is compromised. So I must learn to hold the weight that bears down on me like an ACME anvil, I must learn to hide behind my smile, which has always been genuine. I must learn to be alone sometimes.

But I'd rather be in love.

Swirling...

all around my head...are thoughts. So why not write them down? Summer is the season of lust and literature, and in the last few weeks of May, this has been proven to me, yet again, all too well. Only this time, I get to be a part of the action. So, recently a few guys who I thought looked me over confessed to me that they hadn't looked me over after all. In fact, they'd been looking right at me, when I was right in front of them, and they watched as I disappeared. Love is stupid like that. You've got nothing but space and opportunity for years, literally, and when you lose opportunity and the space widens to a fault, you feel froggy. Ironic. Disheartening. But encouraging too, I guess you never do know who's secretly courting you. Although you should...know, I mean.

You'd swear I'm bi-polar. And I'm starting to notice that through these posts, but maybe love just feels bi-polar like this. I think it does. And if it doesn't, I don't wanna know (they'll try to give me pills, lol). I mean, one minute I wanna be an empowered female superhero, independent and seductive and spontaneous, and the next, I just want you to hold me and read Dr. Seuss. But who are you? Where are you? And these past few days, a bunch of romantic comedies and sentimental novels HAVE NOT helped the case AT ALL. But that's what I like to do, I'm drawn to art, and I'm drawn to love, and the combination of the two in those forms fulfills me to a point.

And why isn't anyone cute?? Lol, no really. I have been on what I'll call 3 blind dates where I felt no physical attraction to the man. You have to have attraction. That's just truth. You can have all the conversation in the world, but that makes you friends. Hell, that makes you Oprah.

And...well, that's another post altogether. Read on.

Such a comedian...

My best friend told me recently that right when you get extra discouraged is the moment when God is laughing at you thinking, "You have no idea what I have in store for you." And the truth is, we really don't. I don't always write, so you guys don't always get an accurate depiction of my ups and downs. Usually a person needs to vent more when they're down, and the same is the case for me. Anyway, I was being a comedian for God, making him laugh, and I think he decided to just give me a small taste of my future. A small glimpse of what he could do with no effort at all.

My two biggest worries are my career and my love life. As far as my career, he made a job opportunity possible for me. And I have no idea where this opportunity might go, but the fact that I finally got a positive response after all this time gives me more hope than you know.

As far as my love life, today I found out that a young man who I always thought to be of value has been harboring a crush for me. As of this particular moment, forces and circumstances beyond both of our control prevent us from exploring this attraction any further, but it was nice to know. When a man you value values you, it doesn't define your worth, but I like to think it is like a small turbo boost to your self-esteem. He told me one day I would make a man very happy. I replied, "More than you know."

And just like that, in a dark, damp dungeon of despair, sunlight shone through, and I shouldve known all along. God is in control of my life. Always has been, always will be. I'm sorry to have been discouraged, because I have not lost faith in him at all, but if it's like my friend says, at least he got a chuckle out of it.

Coitus...

...means sex. And while we're on the subject, what ever happened to subtlety? Our generation just puts it all out there. No censors, no nothing. And I'm not saying you have to censor anything, but damn, is anything left to the imagination these days? What happened to words like pearl and rain and love gun? Lol @ love gun. But really, I think leaving something to be desired is sexy. Slip the coitus in there, don't just blow it up. Because trust me, the longer it takes a volcano to erupt, the more pressure is built up, the more exciting and crucial that explosion will be. Trust me.

...but you can't make him drink

Ok, long story short, met a guy, he asked for the #, so I gave it; texted guy for a couple days, invited guy to a movie (yes, I did the inviting). Guy responds that I seem really nice, but he's involved with someone else. WHAT?! GTFOH! What did you ask for my number for then? Lol, guys amuse me. I tell guy that I was really looking more for new friends. He feels bad, backs up and says maybe we can hang out sometime. Ok dude. End of story.

I'm not trippin on it, everybody ain't for everybody, but why would you even take my number if you didn't want to "lead me on"? And lead me on to where? I would have gotten to know you either way -- friends or something more, so what made this man assume that I wanted him in that way? Lol, I can't lie, he had potential, though. (Hey, just being real!)

So it's back to the drawing board, and I must admit, it makes me a little sad, and just when in the last post I try to commit to being patient, in this one, I'm driving up to my favorite thinking spot, playing Alicia Keys and trying not to spill over the fact that no one loves me. Ok, that's not right. I have people who love me, thank God, but no one is in love with me.

And then, it's not so bad, and I wanna enjoy the single life, and fuck love and pudding pops and all that. Sheesh! I can't even decide how I want to feel. One thing I do know is, no one, unless I give them permission, can lead me anywhere. And when the right man comes along to lead me to wherever we're going, I'll follow like the queen that I am, behind the king that he is.

"Lead me on." Boy, please.

Apple Pie

I'm trying hard to think about baseball as I head to the front of the class, but even that turns sideways as I think about hitting a home run with you. Whew! At least I don't have to hold a binder in front of myself, lol. But no, really...imagination is dangerous! And my iPod really isn't helping...so I decided to write.

I haven't written in awhile, and I have updates. Hey, I never said I'd be consistent! I said I'd be honest. And the honest truth is, this is new to me. Male attention? Yep. New altogether, but I kind of like it. Not all attention is good attention, mind you, but I feel like I'm making progress towards where I'm supposed to be. I usually bloom late, but best believe I will be the most beautiful flower in the bunch. Sidenote though: A hard lesson has been learned - don't give your number to everyone. I thought hey, I can just ignore the call/text, because I'm not really interested, but I want to be polite. NOT. I feel like Beyonce's whole verse in "Telephone"! Stop calling me! Haha! Isn't this a stark contrast to posts a year ago? Yes and no.

I still haven't found anyone that I share a mutual going-somwhere attraction with. I'm not as obsessed with it either. Although I lay in this bed and I can almost smell his cologne, feel his arms wrapped around my waist, feel the warmth of his breath on the back of my neck, I know he's not ready to be here. If he was, he would be. Or maybe I'm not ready for him to be here. Whatever the reason, he's not here. Yet.

So, nights like this, when my imagination is running completely amok, I try to think of uh, baseball. And I'll try not to make it relate to apple pie.

Kiss the Ceiling

I was actually on my way to sleep, but then a poem came. It was about you. One day you'll realize they're all about you. When I pick up a pen my heart and my mind are focused on you.

You are so beautiful and wonderful that I could never tell you, because then you would become what you CAN become. I would be your ballerina, and we would kiss the sky - for sure. But for every Harrison Bergeron, there is a Diana Moon Glampers - unless you all knew. Then in an epic battle, we would claim what WE built. Reclaim what was taken from us. My king, not even a sawed off double barreled shotgun could pierce you. Nothing can touch who you are, what you are - when you become what you CAN become. I wish you knew it too. But one day, just in case you decide to remove the handicaps, your ballerina keeps her shoes in the closet, and the dance steps in her heart. I would leap for you, with you. I hope one day we kiss the ceiling.

I'd Rather Not Celebrate

Oh come on. You saw this coming. Unless this is your first visit (which I doubt) You had to. Valentine's Day is fucking me up already. Who came up with this wack ass holiday that I wouldn't think was wack if I had a real reason to celebrate it? Well instead, I'm celebrating an anniversary of being alone, of having the same sad feeling year after year because God is still preparing him for me. And that thought comforts me, it does, and I know once you mention God there should be no buts, but I just feel lonely. And confused. And I need to stay off of all social networking sites or keep that shit to a minimum because I will go emo in febraury, then turn into the angry lonely woman, then the I don't want to have 37 cats woman. Yeah, it's not such a pretty sight. I wanna write, I think I'll have fuel to write, but sometimes the emotions are so jumbled, it's hard to finish a single track thought, let alone some literature.

The only good thing about V-Day is that every year, I take this time to dive back into The Love Below. I absolutely adore Andre 3000, and this CD speaks to me like nothing else does. So, I suppose, if there is no tangible lover that belongs to me, then I will pretend that The Love Below was written with me in mind. Pitiful, I know, but I gotta do something before I spontaneously combust.

Nuppy Hap Year!

It's 2010!! Woo-hoo!! Yeah, so what it's 15 days into the new year?! I haven't written since last year technically, so I'm celebrating!

Ok. That's enough yelling for now. You people know the drill. I can't sleep, and I got things on my mind, so I come here. These slow jams are DEFINITELY NOT HELPING either, but I don't wanna listen to anything else. So updates...the most recent guy I talked about? The one who was kinda being needy? Dropped him. Hate to be so brutal, but it's true, and you know what? He was probably worse for the wear, but afterwards, I felt much better about it, so I know it was the right thing to do. I don't know if I ever said this, but me and my dad are really close, and we talk shop about everything. He told me once to never lead a guy on, always, always be straightforward, and that stuck with me. I think it's one of those things that I'll never forget actually. See the thing is, I think guys have a much faster rebound rate than girls if you're not that deep into it yet. Not to mention, I did both of us a favor. If we're not equally or close to equally enamored with each other, then there's no point in playing games. Now he's free to find a woman who loves everything about him, and I don't feel guilty because it's not me.

This is going to sound completely out of place and insensitive after the previous paragraph, but lately I've really been feeling like I have feminine wiles, a certain power or something. To know that guys actually notice me, consider me sexy, want some kind of contact (friendship, relationship, just sex) just floors me! I have never been the "it" girl. I was always too skinny, too young, too something, but never enough. I don't know whether I had to move to a place where the mindset was different, or if this is just a part of growing up, but I'm dealing with it as it comes. I know there's a good and bad to everything, and I was always a bit jealous of the "Sexy" girls, but I felt for them too, because sometimes you don't want attention, you just want to be. I get that part too. All in all though, it mostly feels good to know that I'm growing up, and to know that unlike I thought, I won't end up with a bunch of cats. Only they probably would've been hamsters because I don't like cats, but that also would've been even creepier. *shudder*