Breathe

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That's me stepping out into the middle of the street, without checking for cars first, and screaming my head off. I just need to breathe. Take a step back, and breathe. But that's hard to do when the air around you is thick with problems, regret, remorse, tension, confusion, and diffculty. It's too hot to breathe.

First of all, I need to take a step back from him. I want us to have more than a moment together, alone, so I can tell him all the things I always think of once he walks away. The perfect things I should've said 10 seconds before. I want to see where his mind is, tell him where mine is, clear some of the air so I can breathe. But he ultimately has on a gas mask, and all communication is lost upon the thick platsic by which he is encircled. Little dummy.

Secondly, I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP TELLING ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!!! Please and Thank You. I can't say only God can judge me, because anyone can judge me, but please, keep the verdict to yourself. I'm just fine with who I am, thanks, and I'm even more fine with not knowing that person completely. Finding out is fun.

Thirdly, (a most important number), I need to be selfish for a minute. I never, ever, ever, never, ever, ever think about myself, and at such a paramount time in my life, I want to think about me, and ONLY me, for once. I always put others before myself, and this time, I want it to be about me. I can't make anyone else focus on me, but I can. and I am.

"I want things to go my way, but as of late, a lot of things been going sideways."
-Drake

Things have been going well, if you look at it from one standpoint. I recognize that standpoint, I am thankful for everything that I have, but I can't ignore the other viewoint is there, and it is from behind those rose-colored glasses that I write this entry.

Funny story -- it feels like when I notice I don't have love in my life, things start to go awry. When I'm not worried about it, things are fine. Is there some correlation there? I thought about it, and anyone who read this blog would probably get tired of my repetitive rants about love, but then I realized that in the beginning, I created this blog for me, and in the end, it will be here for me, so I am really writing for me, to smooth out the wrinkles.

I should've known it wouldn't last, it was created under the wrong premises. I knew this, and I still got caught up in a whirlwind, an now, as I gasp for air, I just need to take a step back and breathe. It is that same gasp that makes an audible sound, loud enough to express my shock that you judge me. It is true that the ones closest to you will be the ones to hurt you. Too true. Family, friends, lovers, everyone. More than anything, I'm surprised --- surprised that I'm surprised, that is. It has been proven to me, over and over again, that people whom you trust WILL take advantage of you, and I keep hoping that that won't happen again, I keep trusting, but now I feel like only a fool or a crash test dummy runs into the same brick wall twice, and since I'm neither of those things, I will have to build the wall that I never wanted to build. The reason I never wanted to build that wall is because it is inevitably built out of failures, tears, and anger, and it is all bonded together with a paste made of bitterness. I never wanted to do it, but I see why it's necessary. I might be able to breathe inside these walls that I am going to build.

And music really does calm the savage beast, because lately, I've been feeling way more than savage, and music seems to save me everytime. I know, behind the scenes, and in the forefront, God is allowing me and helping me to keep my sanity, so I am thankful that he sends me music. The notes are like little puffs of fresh air, and when enough of them surround me, I can breathe. If only to emerge for a moment.