Multiplicity

I often have more than one thing on my mind, and tonight is no exception. This entry is one of love and hate, or a variation of each, anyway. In the department of the former, me and my friend are trying to break bad habits. Both of us are dealing with like interests that could possibly go somewhere, but it's more of a possibility that they'll keep standing right where we left both of them -- in limbo. It's funny how in a relationship, there's never an equal amount of information shared, unless you're married. One person knows the other person likes them more, one person will never know what the other one thinks, and confusion leads to chaos. I like him, I do, and he said that he liked me too, and not the kind that guys say because you pause and wait for their response, the kind of information that he volunteered. But ironically enough, I can never fully believe him. How do I know that he's not just reciprocating my feelings? Or he knows how I feel (because I clearly told him) and he's just gassin me up? And I thought back on it, and ironically enough again, there was a time when I had the upper-hand. I didn't know how he felt at all, and he may have liked me, and I treated him just like any other regular person on the street. Funny, isn't it? Cause now I jump when my phone vibrates, hoping that after the second violent shake my phone will exclaim the gentle tune of "A Night Off" by Drake. My, how the tables have turned. And I don't want to smother him, so I keep at a distance, but that random text is so hard to resist.

Speaking of which, it's also very hard to resist action against someone you dislike. I don't dislike people for no reason at all, and usually I do so because they have committed some type of wrong against me. In this case, a girl is picking up the disrespect where her best friend left off, and all I can think about is...well, that's a little graphic. Let's just say I'm tired of being the bigger person. I am an ADULT. I don't have time for these childish luxuries. And what's more, is the girl is dead wrong. She's misunderstanding the situation and blatantly attacking me. Now I haven't ever physically attacked anyone in my life, but I'm about at that breaking point. And then, how do you decide what to do? One part of me is screaming to leave it alone and continue to be mature, another part is telling me to make and example out of her, and one voice is wondering what other people are thinking of me, and the other one doesn't really give a flying fuck. All thorugh the turmoil with this girls best friend, I held my peace. Now, I'm about ready to leave somebody in pieces. Right now, I'm still on the high road, trying to stay calm, but detour signs for the low road keep catching my attention.

And what kind of sense does it make that my heart and my head can be half thinking of love and half of hate? I guess there really is a fine line.