Among the Jellyfish

Niggas alwyas trying to sting me, and I don't quite understand why. Guess [insert my government name here] is just a pushover, a doormat, grits on the back burner. Niggas keep trying to sting me, but that shit don't hurt. It stings, for the slightest second, but that shit don't hurt. Duh. I find myself thinking that I'm going to do something big one day, and not for the specific purpose of revenge, but all the little shit that I have to deal with now that irks me so much won't even matter then. Sure, I have to pay every time I go to the club, but one day I'll own one. Niggas always wanna have a power struggle too, but I don't care, cause one day, I'll be big boss dog. period. Keep blowin up at me, keep doing what you do, I'm not going to retaliate, I'm not going to belittle you, engage in a battle of wits, or any of that. Have your moment, and I hope it feels lovely -- cuz what I'm going to do is going to last way more than 15 minutes. And even if I don't do anything important, big, or spectacular (by society's standards), I know that God put me among the jellyfish because I can take the sting, so keep doing what you do, because to me, it doesn't mean a thing. Ouch.

Agendas Anonymous

I have an agenda like some people have weed, alcohol, or sex. It’s – I don’t even know the word for it – it stresses me out and keeps me from being stressed at the same time. With an agenda, I can stress about the things on it, which can be accomplished easily and are often trivial or a matter of finding the time to do such things. Without it, I would have to stress about my life, the things that I cannot control, the things that are not easily changed.

I thrive off of being busy, I have to have a plan, a route, a plan b, c, and d. It's like an addiction. I'm running out of things to do. I'm about to start my life, and I'm scared, unsure. I'm going into unmarked territory, and for the first time, I'm apprehensive abut what may be in store. Can you put life on a to-do list?

Guide me, dear Lord.

Shooting Star

It was good while it lasted. It was like a shooting star -- rare, beautiful, often searched for, and ultimately fleeting. That doesn't changed what it meant, and notice I use "it" because we never exactly bestowed a definition upon it, but that doesn't change what it meant. I wondered why it was different, and I got the answer to my question. You really shouldn't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to, but I did want to know the answer to this one. And I feel more settled now. I never have really like crickets, but if Jimeney had a loud enough voice to influence your choice, then this is the way it was meant to be. She was the original, is the original, supposed to be the only one. It was short-lived, but fun. Now you've been on the outside, and you know what it's like, it's like when you walk outside on a clear, starry night, and you see a beautiful silver burst streak across the sky, and in the deepest depths of my heart, I'd wish for you and I, but everything happens for a reason, and you're a them, and not an us, so enjoy every moment, because what you have will last, I'll see you, and I'll smile, about the present, not the past. You can be more than cordial, because no one will ever know, shooting stars leave no traces, if you don't see them when they happen, then you don't see them at all. I hope you never feel nostalgic, because that wouldn't be fair to any of us. I don't regret it, feel slight remorse, more like MeShell. I'll stand out on my porch one day, and you'll sit on your stoop, a shooting star will fly by, you'll think of me, and I of you. Hopefully the memories will be nothing but fond, but like that star, we exist only for a moment, we were never meant to go on.

Breathe

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That's me stepping out into the middle of the street, without checking for cars first, and screaming my head off. I just need to breathe. Take a step back, and breathe. But that's hard to do when the air around you is thick with problems, regret, remorse, tension, confusion, and diffculty. It's too hot to breathe.

First of all, I need to take a step back from him. I want us to have more than a moment together, alone, so I can tell him all the things I always think of once he walks away. The perfect things I should've said 10 seconds before. I want to see where his mind is, tell him where mine is, clear some of the air so I can breathe. But he ultimately has on a gas mask, and all communication is lost upon the thick platsic by which he is encircled. Little dummy.

Secondly, I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP TELLING ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!!! Please and Thank You. I can't say only God can judge me, because anyone can judge me, but please, keep the verdict to yourself. I'm just fine with who I am, thanks, and I'm even more fine with not knowing that person completely. Finding out is fun.

Thirdly, (a most important number), I need to be selfish for a minute. I never, ever, ever, never, ever, ever think about myself, and at such a paramount time in my life, I want to think about me, and ONLY me, for once. I always put others before myself, and this time, I want it to be about me. I can't make anyone else focus on me, but I can. and I am.

"I want things to go my way, but as of late, a lot of things been going sideways."
-Drake

Things have been going well, if you look at it from one standpoint. I recognize that standpoint, I am thankful for everything that I have, but I can't ignore the other viewoint is there, and it is from behind those rose-colored glasses that I write this entry.

Funny story -- it feels like when I notice I don't have love in my life, things start to go awry. When I'm not worried about it, things are fine. Is there some correlation there? I thought about it, and anyone who read this blog would probably get tired of my repetitive rants about love, but then I realized that in the beginning, I created this blog for me, and in the end, it will be here for me, so I am really writing for me, to smooth out the wrinkles.

I should've known it wouldn't last, it was created under the wrong premises. I knew this, and I still got caught up in a whirlwind, an now, as I gasp for air, I just need to take a step back and breathe. It is that same gasp that makes an audible sound, loud enough to express my shock that you judge me. It is true that the ones closest to you will be the ones to hurt you. Too true. Family, friends, lovers, everyone. More than anything, I'm surprised --- surprised that I'm surprised, that is. It has been proven to me, over and over again, that people whom you trust WILL take advantage of you, and I keep hoping that that won't happen again, I keep trusting, but now I feel like only a fool or a crash test dummy runs into the same brick wall twice, and since I'm neither of those things, I will have to build the wall that I never wanted to build. The reason I never wanted to build that wall is because it is inevitably built out of failures, tears, and anger, and it is all bonded together with a paste made of bitterness. I never wanted to do it, but I see why it's necessary. I might be able to breathe inside these walls that I am going to build.

And music really does calm the savage beast, because lately, I've been feeling way more than savage, and music seems to save me everytime. I know, behind the scenes, and in the forefront, God is allowing me and helping me to keep my sanity, so I am thankful that he sends me music. The notes are like little puffs of fresh air, and when enough of them surround me, I can breathe. If only to emerge for a moment.

In the Hills

I want to take you to this place that my friend took me once. It's a creepy journey to the top of this small mountain that overlooks the city. Once you get to the top, though, it makes sense why anyone would want to make that journey in the first place.

I want to lay down a big, soft blanket, and lay on top of it, but I want to be wrapped in your essence, warmed by your touch, excited by your intellect. I want to look out at the lights of the city before I turn my attention to the light in your eyes, and then...

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be your girl. Would we argue once the thrill of the chase has subsided? Would you leave me love notes just because? Would we get voted cutest couple? Would we ever use the word love?

I don't even know how to get to that place. But I would actually google it, learn the route, and buy a blanket so that I could take you there. If I was your girl.
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And are you thinking like I am? Do you even care about ever being my man? Am I getting too caught up in the moment? Why do I always have so many unanswered questions?

It doesn't matter. LG.

In Reference to "Drafts"

I haven't written in awhile, and I'm trying to figure out exactly why. I've had plenty of things to talk about, but I think the words get stuck somewhere between my brain and my fingertips so that I can't hit the keys. Maybe it's because a few people know about this blog. Maybe it's because I'm playing a role I shouldn't be playing, and to put it here would be to admit it to myself. Not to mention, obstacles have been wieghing heavily on my mind and my heart, and to put those problems here would be to identify myself, inevitably, and I don't want to do that.

So, I guess, to make up for a lack of previous posts, and undoubtedly to prove how crazy I really am, I posted a few drafts. Still, even though I did, it's time for me to return to my {Delicious Diary}.

Drafts

I was looking back at some drafts for {DD} that I didn't knowhad saved...and they're intersting, so I decided to post them.

10/31/08 Freeflow 3

Hello, world. Happy Halloween!

This, like most freeflows, is NOT going to make any sense. Just bear with me. First of all, I love black people, espescially how they interact with each other when no one is looking, or when everyone is looking. I feel like somebody is playing with me. Looking at my life, setting up situations in it, and laughing at my bitch ass. Oh yes, God has a sense of humor. I put on a one woman show last night, whether I intended to or not. I know I was seen, because...well, I just know. And I can't believe this other sorry sapsucker was singing my muthafucking song today from my muthafucking favorite group! How dare he??!!

3/2/09 Freeflow 6

I saw true beauty in nature tonight. It was so dark, but when I made it to where I was going, the lights of the city really did take my breath away. I felt an adrenaline rush, and at that moment, I wished I had a man to share the view.

I feel like I'm moving at light speed, and as long as I am, I can't see the darkness, the lonliness that awaits me when I lay down at night, when I have the house to myself for the weekend, when I can't sleep and am scrolling through my phonebook, and most of all when it's 2:57 a.m. and I just need to write.

He's out there. And there's a reason I haven't met him yet...there's a reason why I feel so hollow right now. And I'm an independent woman, a real one, one who is self-sufficient, but also realizes that everyone needs love. I guess I'm one of those girls who "got her own".

And what's trivial about all this is that feelings compel me to write, and I hate to be repetititve, or to seem like I have a lack of subjects in my blog, but that's what this space is for. To vent, to think, to reason...and when good things happen, either they'll be so good that I'll write, or they'll be so good that I'm so busy enjoying them that I won't write.


3/24/09 In the Dark

I'm sitting in my room in the dark, and I'm just thinking. About a lot of things, but mostly love. Does it make you bi-polar? Is that acceptable in the vacuum that is love? Or am I just trippin?

I was reading some past entries in my blog, and I realized that I might be crazy. (Not for real) Do things just switch like that? I went from one interest to the next, no pause for the cause...

And what's even more is that love don't love me, right? I'm spending time, energy, and wpms on guys that haven't thought twice about me. Maybe I should think twice about this.

Maybe I shouldn't think at all.

4/1/09 Dangerous Curves Ahead

I guess I got what the fuck I asked for. I really did. I found a man who is just my speed, seems to like me as much as I like him, and I can't be completely sure, but I think we'd be a kick-ass couple.

But he's taken.

Ain't that some shit? Lol...I gotta laugh my damn self. But, I didn't specify...I think I asked for everything I wanted except for him to be single. And this one is funny because nothing about him screams dog, womanizer, abuser, none of that, but all my friends except one think I should leave him alone. And I know I should, given his relationship status, but I don't know why I'm even considering NOT leaving him alone.

Maybe I like him. Maybe I like him a lot.