Nocturnal

"Day and Night, I toss and turn keep stressin my mind, mind. I look for peace but see I don't attain...the lonely loner seems to free [her] mind at night."

I write at night, or in the wee hours of the morning. I think it's because at these hours, life slightly slows down for me, and I just get to thinking. And when I get to thinking, I get to feeling, and when I get to feeling, I get to writing. Right now I'm thinking that I just need a break, I need to slow it all down. My agenda never stops moving, but I need a break from what The Giver calls "the stirrings." Sometimes I wish it was like in that book, where you could just take a pill and make all the feelings go away. But then again, I always have disliked taking medicine. Hmph.

I'm just going to take all my feelings and tuck them away. I have to be patient, wait for the one that God is going to send me, and stop involving myself in these touch-and-go, not-too-sure, infatuation type situations. I can't go on and pretend like...I may never understand why, I'm doing the best that I can, and I...

So, as I've done for short periods before, I'm going to be platonic. And at such a peculiar time, too. I have a feeling the poems will start coming. They always do at times like these. I'm not really sad, just slightly disappointed because I can't be in control of this one. It's like I want love to rain down on me, but I'm in one of those plastic bubbles, so I can see it all around me, feel it's impact, feel the cool against the plastic, but I can't escape. Then I turn my thoughts on an angle and that bubble is protecting me, until such a time where I'm supposed to be drenched in love, feel the moisture of love rain on my skin, smell the sky, taking it all in. See what I mean about the poetry? But then again, I am listening to a bangin slow jamz playlist too.

I wonder if I'll sleep once the sun rises.

Demolition Woman pt.2

"I know she was attractive, but I was here first."

You are a beautiful man, and I don't just mean looks. Does she know that? Does she appreciate all that you are? I'm scared, because my feelings for you are weighing heavily on my morals. I refuse to be a homewrecker, but I cannot refuse the way I feel for you. And the fact that you reciprocated those feelings, small in gesture, but a gesture nonetheless. When I saw you, did you say "Exactly"? I really need to know because I've convinced myself that the reason you're being so weird around me is that you like me too much, and being around me might jeopardize your current situation. Isn't that what you called it? A situation? Damn, here we go again. Will the next couple of months of my blog be about you? Do you know I can't sleep right now because this was on my chest?

By the way, {DD} has over 80 posts and 300 visitors. Yay!

But in the coming month, I'll see you a lot. I'll see you more than I need to probably. Can we talk for a minute? Not in or after the club, but just somewhere quiet? I'd tell you that I don't want to put your relationship in danger (assuming that I could - I probably can't) and that you don't have to worry about that, but I wish you wouldn't be weird around me. We actually started off as acquaintances before all this, and I'd like to keep it that way. This is what I'd tell you. My mind would tell my lips to formulate the words. My heart would probably be looking at your lips, thinking about taking you to my place of comfort so that we could get comfortable together. And we could, I would choose you, but your situation is not ideal. For me anyway.

You'd be perfect too. And I can actually imagine what it would be like. That's not something I can do often. I want to tell you to keep my number in case your situation changes, but that would mean I'm waiting on it to change, or pressuring you to change it, and I'm not doing either of those. You are the first person that makes me say that cliche phrase, 'I want to be around you in any capacity I can'. And I really feel like that. Friends, more, not...I want to be around you. You're a beautiful man.

I just hope she sees what I do.

Freeflow 7

Would you believe I tried to write Freeflow 6 twice and my computer shut off both times? Then I thought maybe 6 wasn't a good number, so I wrote it as Freeflow 7. Still shut off. And I wrote some good stuff too. Some out of passion, keys banging, feelings pouring onto the page kind of stuff. And always, I would make it to the very end before the computer would turn off. Why is that?

And furthermore, if you like a girl, why would you spend years with her, seeing her in school everyday and not tell her? And why am I so mean to this one guy named Will? I can't seem to be nice to him. I call him names, insult him, just not nice...but I don't like him. He's kinda cute and all, he's just not my type. And the way some guys act sometimes, you might get hints that they like you, but as soon as you think you're onto something, they're back to being platonic.

In addition to that, I think sex should be fun. It shouldn't be all uptight and sexy. People who try to make it sexy are trying to hard to set one certain mood. You should laugh, cry if it's just that good, be sexy (but not to the point of ultimate seriousness), and you should be adventurous. Really adventurous. And you should talk, not too much, but enough to let your partner know what you like and don't like because trying to go off intuition and reactions is stupid sometimes.

And why aren't some people a couple years older or younger? Because if they were they would be perfect. And why do some people find love outside of their race? or inside their gender? or why are they looking for it across the way when it's right nextdoor?

And I really hope I don't rush into love too soon because I'm so anxious. They say be careful what you ask for, and I'm not asking for anything that's not in God's plan. And I wonder if I would write more things or different things if the handful of people who knew about this blog didn't know about it?

I sure hope this one posts.

Foreshadow

You know what? One day I am going to write very happy, happy things in {DD}. But usually you need a diary to help relieve feelings, and happiness is a feeling you don't need relief from. So maybe I'll be enjoying life and love so much that I won't even have time to put it here. One day the delicious diary will be full of sweet, warm, food for thought, and not the cold, bitter rants of a writer missing love. One day...but not today.

The Measuring Cup

I talked to Greg. I took my friend's advice and I went to his house (on an errand for the aforementioned friend) and decided to talk to him. We sat in his room for hours, battling wits and words, but when it came down to it, he knew I didn't really come to get a measuring cup. And he knew the real reason I was there. And he found out that I was interested in him. And again, it was a bust.

I told him!! I told my friend that I had been aggressive and upfront, and it didn't work, and here was another botched caper for proof. I hope Greg isn't awkward around me now, but if he is, I can't really blame him, can I? My friend says that Greg must not be totally uninterested otherwise we wouldn't have talked for as long as we did. But...there's a BIG difference between liking someone, or being interested in someone and just being polite, and I think he was just being polite. Really.

So here I am, on fool status again, the court jester, performing for King Cupid whilst he find merriment in my shortcomings. If I caught the tears that I wanted to cry about love, they would probably fill the measuring cup I supposedly went to get.

Freeflow 6

It feels soooo good to be writing again. I have had a LOT on my mind and my heart, and just when I wanted to put it here, my computer crashed on me. Whoop-de-doo! I tried talking to friends about my love life, if you want to call it that, but I just ended up feeling awkward because ultimately I'm having the same conversation over, and over, and over. I keep trying to answer the question:

When is it my turn? Why can't I find someone to love me?

And even the cliches are cliche now. I know people love me, but I want a man who is in love with me as much as I am in love with him. They say be careful what you ask for, love will come to those who wait, don't look for love, it'll find you, you're the wifey type, love is patient and kind, blah, blah, blah. Love stinks like 3 day old cabbage and I can't seem to escape the kitchen.

I feel so stupid, alone, desperate, helpless, awkward, and mostly ridiculous. And I noticed that I always like a guy. Is that weird? Like I liked Evan until I told him so, and now I like Tre and I'm also interested in Greg. And what if they turn out to be the same as Evan? Really, I need to leave Tre alone, and I am, but that doesn't mean I can stop my feelings.

And I was talking to a good friend tonight, and he said, "Rejection is a part of life. You just have to keep trying until you find that right one." And I believe that, but damn, how long does it take? I'm over two decades old, and I have yet to claim a boyfriend, a serious relationship, something deeper than infatuation or like. This friend I was talking to knows Greg and he says I should make myself more available, be more aggressive, but I did that already. I hit the gas, and I drove straight into a tree, so forgive me if I'm hesitant about getting behind the wheel again.

Am I making any sense? I mean, I don't really have to, that's what freeflow posts are for, but in my head I'm the cheese who stands alone. There's gotta be a reason I've been alone this long, but honestly I don't see it. And what if there is really someone for everyone out there but one is in Russia and one is in China and they never meet? And why is there a song for every emotion you feel? And why am I still asking questions?

The truth is, I'm not asking questions anymore. I'm still trying to answer the one before.

The 4-1-1

Okay {DD}. This is what's going on. I'm going to give my interests names so that you won't get confused from here on out. Because it's going to get kind of tangled in here.

1. Bryant is my high school love. When I mentioned that if it was 4 years ago, this blog would have been about someone else, it would've been him. He will always have a piece of my heart.

2. Evan is the guy who I've basically been writing about up until now. He is the one who challenged me, made me feel electric for the moments that I saw him. I decided to tell him how I felt, and he didn't reciprocate my feelings. I've accepted that, and we're ok.

3. Tre is a new interest of mine. I like him, and I've convinced myself (we'll discuss that later) that he likes me. But he has a girlfriend. Nuff said.

4. Greg is also a new interest. I always have thought he was cute, but so did a lot of other girls, so I left him alone. I'm thinking about making a move. He's single.

So that's the 411. It seems like so much to me, but I guess it's not. That's my love life ladies and gentleman. (curtains close)

Demolition Woman

I am NOT a homewrecker. I repeat, not a homewrecker. So since you're taken, I just have to accept that. Yeah, I think we'd be a damn good couple, and yes, I have liked you for almost a year now, but circumstances and situations won't let us be anything more than what we are. Friends...i think. Are we friends? associates? I'm not sure. But no woman is going to be singing "Resentment" to you because of me. Nope. unh-unh. Not on my watch.

If only I had known you before she did.