Freeflow

Sometimes I just write. The words flow free like feelings. Express them and get on with life.

I think our timing was off. Or maybe it was never meant to be, and I just read too much into it. On the day he introduced himself to me, I didn’t pay much attention. When he received recognition from everyone else, I noticed, but didn’t care much. So I really can’t remember how we got to this place. I do remember him approaching me first, to compliment me in the weirdest way…and I’ve been paying for that compliment ever since. I like him. I like him a lot. It was better when I didn’t care, but now I do, and I can’t help it. I want to tell him the truth, but that’s a mission impossible, because he’ll abuse my honesty. He already abuses my attention. He has a girl already. A girl that he’s had for a long time. Even if she wasn’t there, I’d still be a treasure he doesn’t have the map to. I’m irritated with him, because he came so close and failed so epically. Make me want you, make me miss you, make me wonder where you are, then forget you. I know he doesn’t think about me as often as I do him, and so I try to detach myself, make the feelings go away, but they only intensify. And every now and then I get to steal a special moment, but not enough to amount to anything. I want to tell him the truth, that I don’t want to play games, I just want to BE. We don’t have to be anything…I just want to be. Be near him, with him. I like him. I want the shit to go away. So I tuck those feelings away with the rest of my baggage. It’s hard to close the suitcases, they’re getting too full. I use more force, and the lock snaps. I try to walk away, content, but BOOM! The lock opens and all the like spills out again. So it’s out in the open, but it’s the elephant in the room. I ignore it, don’t talk about it. But it’s there. None of this makes sense, but then again it’s not supposed to. I try to open myself up to him, make myself exist, but not be too available. He doesn't see me. I'm the elephant in the room. I see him happy, I am happy for him. I am wondering if you can miss something you never had. I wish I never met him at all.